A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m really annoyed with my wife because she’s pretty much called time on our sex life, saying she’s just bored of sex and doesn’t need it anymore. But I’ve only been sexually active for 8 years and am definitely not ready to call time on mine just yet.I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 32.Throughout my teens and the whole of my twenties I struggled terribly with social anxiety that made me so shy and awkward all the time, and it really affected how I was around women. I can remember all the awkward silences and the way I’d stutter and mumble my way through conversations that just made any woman run for the hills. My social skills were so bad that I still cringe inside whenever I’m reminded of it. I wish there was a way I could just block out all the awkward moments forever. Even though I was a virgin I felt like I was a very sexual person which made it all the more frustrating that I could never attract a woman and experience it. I’ll admit I was a desperate man. But not just for sex; just to simply take a woman out on a date and hold hands with her and cuddle her. But I didn’t appeal to any women I met. It was the catalyst for me suffering from depression for years.As I reached my thirties and nothing had changed I genuinely believed I was doomed to a life of loneliness but a week after my 32nd birthday I met my now-wife. She was literally the only woman who’d ever shown the slightest bit of romantic interest in me. I was so grateful she looked past my awkward persona and just appreciated me for who I was. Unsurprisingly I clung to her for dear life and fell head over heels in love with her. I remember the first time we had sex and it was just magical, even though it was a completely new experience I felt like it just came naturally to me. Our first year together was amazing and we had some really good times together. I proposed on our anniversary and was over the moon when she agreed to marry me. We had our wedding 6 months later and I was so happy.I always knew she really, REALLY wanted to have children. I was never really interested in kids as I had other plans and ambitions but because I loved her and would've done anything for her I agreed to put them all on hold to start a family. We’ve now got a son who’s 6 and a daughter who is 5 and even though we went through a difficult few years, particularly when they were toddlers I wouldn’t change them for the world. I’m now 41 and my wife is 38. Things seemed really good, however for the last 4 months or so our sex life has nosedived. I was always up for it but she just seemed less and less interested as each day passed. One night the other week we had a really nice meal out together and I thought we’d cap the night off by having sex for the first time in months but the second we got in bed she just turned over and went to sleep. I was so frustrated.The next day I plucked up the courage to ask her what was going on and why she hadn’t wanted to do it for ages and she very honestly admitted that she’s just bored of it. I was perplexed. She’d always seemed to love it just as much as I did but all of a sudden it was like someone had flicked a switch and she’d gone off it. She couldn’t even say the kids were tiring her out because they’re both really settled now and are no bother now they’re at school. Because she said she was bored of it I suggested some kinky stuff to try and spice things up a bit but she just laughed in my face and told me to grow up. She said she’s got to a point in her life where she doesn’t need sex anymore and that I shouldn’t really need it either now I’m in my forties. I completely disagreed to which, no word of lie, she replied: “Well you’ve got a good hand; you better start using it cos you’re not getting anything from me”.Now I’m not saying I’m entitled to sex, no one is and I can’t force her to do it with me if she doesn’t want to. But I just feel like she’s made this decision without taking my feelings into account. It’s all well and good her saying she’s bored of sex and doesn’t need it anymore but she lost her virginity when she was 15 so has had almost a quarter of a century’s worth of sex, whereas I’ve had just 8 years, half of which were hampered by our children. I feel like something I’d patiently waited for so many years and enjoy doing so much has been taken away from me just like that, without me having any choice in the matter. But she doesn’t care. I’d love to know how she’d have felt if the shoe was on the other foot. I’d imagine she’d feel completely and utterly rejected like I do.I’m not saying I’d ever consider cheating or use this as justification for doing so. How could I risk losing my wife when there’s a high chance I’ll never meet another woman who can look past my social flaws? I do love her but I just worry I’m going to end up resenting her over time. I don’t even need sex everyday; once a week would do me fine. I’m really hoping she’s just going through a phase as I definitely know she’s not menopausal. Can any other women identify with what she’s saying? Did you just go off sex for good or did some desires eventually come back?Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2019): Consider that a lot of straight women fake their enjoyment for the sake of a man's ego - perhaps she wasn't really happy
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2019): I identify with your wife I've been with my partner for 20 years and went off sex and its been years he doesn't mind though which is the difference. I just never really loved sex and the older I got it became more painful for me. Women need romance kisses and cuddles to want sex and to be satisfied or they go off it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): I am so very sorry about your predicament, dear sir! A woman's loss in desire or interest in sex could be from many factors, sometimes several things at once. Problems in the relationship, many lose interest after having children, there may be physiological-reasons that have not yet been diagnosed, sometimes birth-control lowers sex-drive, and a host of other things.
It's a popular notion that it's all about sex-drive and libido. Our desires come from more than just hormonal-triggers. We have psychological-impulses as well as biological functions that affect the frequency or intensity of sexual-attraction and desire.
Just being kinky or spicing things up isn't always the solution. Sexual-desire for women comes from more than just "being horny!" There is a deep emotional-component; as well as the biological production of hormones, pheromones, and dopamine.
If your wife wanted to pursue a medical-diagnosis to determine if there is any underlying medical reason; I guess you could urge her to get a full medical-examination. If she is adamant that sex is no longer in your marriage; then you may have to make some other adjustments.
There is a serious problem that seems common in most relationships; and that's communication. People make unilateral-decisions that seriously affect their partners; and feel they owe no further explanation to gain understanding, and they resist any compromise. They simply decide they don't want or like something; and leave their partner, pardon the pun, hanging. That's just being cruel and insensitive. Downright mean!
There is a possibility that your "technique" is boring, predictable, or repetitious; but that opens a pandora's box of issues when women criticize their lover's love-making technique. Hence, you just get the declaration that sex is no longer on the menu. Often enough, women attempt to discuss their feelings with their partners, maybe by dropping hints, and beating around the bush; but they don't attempt the direct approach. If you're too self-centered, and caught-up in your own world and feelings, you'll miss all the signals. They'll give-up in frustration.
They sometimes foolishly leave it up to mind-reading, or speaking to their spouse or mate in code. That's why there are so many divorces, stubborn people (often also stupid) who can come-up with thousands of ways to verbally-abuse each other in an argument; but can't calmly and directly address issues within their relationship that needs work. Leaving it up to their partner to "guess" what it is. That is so profoundly immature and idiotic that words can't describe it.
Ultimately, divorce will eventually become a matter of consideration; because you'll begin to question her overall feelings about you beyond sex. You can't just tell your spouse you no longer want to be intimate without an explicit reason, or reasons!
I'm really not a big fan of always suggesting marriage-counseling; because people clam-up or just perform in-front of a counselor-therapist, just to go through the motions. They've got their minds closed; and they avoid opening-up. Many times they try to make their partners appear to be the sole-problem; so counseling becomes a wasted expense and ineffective. It has to be a mutual-effort to save your marriage; and a serious commitment to learning how to compromise, in order to maintain your otherwise good relationship.
Suggest to her counseling. Insist on getting help, if she won't take the medical route to determine if it's early menopause, hormonal-imbalance, her birth-control pills, or endometriosis. Sometimes women have vaginal-dryness, or painful fibroids. They don't like talking about their female problems anymore than men like to have detailed discussions about their erectile-dysfunction or impotence. It's a taboo subject, and it borders on being perceived as "less female," or flawed in some way.
Seek professional-counseling; so you both can come to terms, should this be a matter that will not change. If you love your wife, and she loves you equally; she will work with you to save your marriage. I deliberately left-out the possibility she is having an affair for this reason. You didn't mention any signs or irregularities that would prompt your suspicions; so I left that alone. However, that probability is one matter to be determined and considered.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): She told you use your hand. Use it to slip in a new girlfriend. If she divorces you she'll be doing you a favor.
On the lack social skills, I have them too -- we somehow bungle through the 'you come here often' interview -- but women don't care if they like you. And if they don't smooth talking won't help. Life is too short for you with her. GTFO
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): About your wife's lack of interest in sex, I would try and get her to see a doctor. Most women enjoy sex more around their late 30s. She may have a physical issue which could be fixed.
There's also the possibility that she is mad at you about something and doesn't want to have sex with you because of that.
I would stress to her how very important sex is to you and that a total lack of it may end your marriage.
Also, about your social anxiety, I wonder if all the time interacting with your wife has improved it? Did you ever see a specialist? There are drugs now for social anxiety.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): I'm afraid it's not uncommon for women of that age to go off sex. I can vouch. I'm 43 and haven't had sex for almost 7 years now, not just because I'm divorced and currently single, but also because I've had no real desire for it. I've just found other things in life that don't revolve around sex and relationships. I've had four children though so I've found I don't need a relationship to be happy as I have them in my life no matter what. Some of my friends are exactly the same. We're not even man-hating feminists either!When I think about sex now it's not that I wouldn't enjoy it if I ever had it again, I just kind of think of it like a roller coaster. Imagine having a whole roller coaster to yourself in your back garden and you were able to go on it over and over again whenever you wanted for years and years. Of course it would be fun but over time the thrill of it would just wear off because you'd be so used to it. Eventually there'd be a day when you'd wake up, see the massive roller coaster in your back garden and just think you'd been on it that many times and know exactly what you're gonna get, so the thrill and excitement has just worn off and you'd rather do the ironing.I do have some sympathy for you though. It must have been so difficult being held back by your social anxiety throughout your youth and I can understand how much you would have struggled, especially with women. I'm afraid awkwardness is most definitely not a trait that most women would find attractive. At the same time though I am pleased that you did manage to meet someone and fall in love and have children. Nobody deserves to be alone purely because they are shy and awkward. It may not come as much consolation but at the very least you had those few years. Sometimes you just have to take what you can get in life.You are right as well when you say your wife hasn't taken your feelings into account. I'm guessing she knows full-well that you didn't have sex until you were 32? I hope so anyways...Although she is just being honest, from the way you write it sounds like she's been very cold about it, particularly when she just laughed and dismissed your ideas to spice things up in your love life. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You say she always wanted children, imagine if you had turned around 7 years ago and laughed and dismissed her when she suggested trying for a baby? She'd think you were the most insensitive a***hole walking the earth. So she definitely could've gone about that in a different way.You are right though, you can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to. If she's not up for it, then there's little you can do I'm afraid. She probably has just had her fair share of sexual experiences in life and wants to find other things in life that excite her.You want my advice? Lay off her for a while and don't even mention the 's' word. The last thing that'll ever turn her on is you pestering her. Let her get on with other things in life and just try and show simple moments of affection. Every now and then just tell her you love her, the more randomly the better. Give her a kiss on the cheek when she least expects it. If she's had a bad day, give her a hug and let her vent to you. Just show her how much you care for her. It might take weeks, even months but over time she should appreciate you more for it. Then who knows? She might find the desire to let you make love to her again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): A few things cross my mind reading this, little tell tale signs. Firstly does your wife feel she holds all the cards because she knows you had no other options with other women, you hold her up there based on the fact she gave you that chance to lose your virginity? So now the novelty has worn off and shes not so bothered she says no more sex because she knows you wont go elsewhere? Secondly as you admit you like sex does everything you do with and for her come with the expectation of sex, is it possible she feels that is all you want from her? Women tend to go off sex if they feel unloved, you Express sex through love she needs to feel loved to want sex. I think you both need an honest talk here because fundamentally this will become a mismatched sex drive which will and is becoming a problem..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): Well OP, i am a man, but perhaps I can help a bit. My wife also turned off like a switch at age 35yrs. It blew my mind, because she loved sex, like 4 days a week, sometimes 5 days! She said that she just lost her desire. For my sake, she would give me a handjob a couple times per week and a few times the handjob would lead to a nice blowjob. She went to her doctor, then her gyno doctor several times over about 6 months. Finally she went to an enocrinology specialist and he took my wife off birth control pills and confidently told her to buy a box of condoms. About 10 days later, I woke up to my wife [initiating sex, graphic details removed per guidelines].I should say too that she had been on one b c pill or another, since age 14. So if your wife is on the pill, that could be the problem. I pray that her loss of libido, is something that simple!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2019): Sex isn't always just sex .. it's being close .. physical close . If I were you .. I would first of rule out if she feeling okay down there .. a lady's neither regions can be complex if that's not the problem. I would wonder if she romantically cheating . I would make sure I was smelling great for nookie and if she says no . I would explain that though you had no rights . You do not wish to Remain in brother sister relationship
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2019): I think as a woman a little older than Your wife that yes it is possible to go off sex and yes it did come back . It seemed to fluctuate and has a lot to do with the romance in the relationship and also how desirable I’m feeling
I know it sounds simplistic but new locations holidays or even just a night away can really mix up the dynamics and break the drought
Don’t give up people say all kinds of things they don’t mean when they are in a mood . Keep communication open and if that fails counselling . Whatever you do don’t listen to anyone who tells you to cheat
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