A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 38, been married to my husband, 39 for 12 years, we've been together for 14 years as a couple.We have two 11-year-old girls, Katie and Angie, identical twins.I (well, it was we a month ago until my husband moved out) live in Adams Morgan, Washington D.C., my husband now lives in Bethesda, MD.He moved out the house, took all his clothing and possessions, also took his Honda Accord coupe, leaving just my car on the driveway, a 2019 Jaguar sedan I bought when I got a promotion, as a treat for myself, not very often I could afford something like this.A month ago my husband left me for this glamor model, Julia, who's 25, Latina, and mega-rich, lives over the state line, and he admitted he'd met her via social media; he'd left a handwritten note. He'd been dating her for 6 months, despite the pandemic and social distancing, did it anyway.Isn't their age gap, 13 years, still a big one?It should be noted that Julia is an ardent anti-lockdowner, anti-masker, she's admitted to writing to politicians in England convincing them that lockdowns are a bad idea and anti-mask theories as well, admittedly it's not in the realm of conspiracy theory-level stuff like QAnon would think, just things that she claims she's seen reasonable evidence for that's scientifically based proving lockdowns and masks don't work. It's not the thing she's known for, her glamor modelling is that. It's a wonder she hasn't been "cancelled" for this. If anything, it's probably made her more popular.Legally, we're not divorced yet, just separated, as he's moved in with her. I'm looking up divorce attorneys and working out how to get the ball rolling, while also ensuring the best for my kids as I'm effectively a de facto single mom, while also married if that makes any sense. I want the best one I can afford, so I've been researching them, looking at review sites etc.I've never met Julia, the other woman who's my husband's girlfriend, but she is, for the sake of things, a public figure under U.S. law as I've read an article about her wealthy lifestyle in one of those free magazines you get in supermarkets etc. It's a fact that she's rich, she's given interviews about her lifestyle and McMansion she owns in California, but lives in Maryland 95% of the year.But the affair isn't just the big issue, the effects of the affair on my kids is the main issue here.My husband wants our daughters to come and have Christmas dinner with him and Julia on Christmas Day in Bethesda, and says they should also have Christmas dinner with me their mom too. He said they need to and have the right to meet Julia.Yes, it's a 20-minute drive from where we live, but that's not the point; it's effectively Christmas Day with their dad and a stranger (to the girls).I've already told him "Hell, no!" both via WhatsApp and over the cellphone, but he's insistent about it. He's also insistent that the kids should decide where they want to live and thinks Julia will be a good stepmom to them; it's got me wondering if he's using psychological manipulation techniques to convince them, I'm probably paranoid about this but am I right to be?While this truculence may be good in the boardroom (my husband is hard-working), it's not good in this situation. I'm a working mom too.I thought I loved my husband and we had a good relationship but he does this?I'm worried about the effect it'll have on my kids.He'll always be in my life no matter what, due to the kids.I think this Julia woman doesn't understand "fantasy vs reality" in an affair.I'm not an expert in affairs, but how true is that quote from a forum in August 2018? Is this really true about affairs?Is that the general reality couples tend to face, and people in an affair would face anyway?In any honesty, I didn't expect an affair, my husband was always the kind, hardworking, honest type until now.I am a mom who wants the best for her kids.I've had to resign myself to the fact my husband won't come back and am planning divorce, but am I really in the wrong to not want my daughters to attend this Christmas dinner?Should I let my daughters decide on this?If they were 16 or 18, I'd probably have less authority, but since they're 11, probably not.Looking for advice on how to cope emotionally and practically, even though I'm seeking a lawyer currently, a really good one.I'd really appreciate your help on this, stressing me out.Note I've changed names for anonymity purposes here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2021): It's up to the girls if they want to meet her, not him or you. Both of you have to be understanding and ok with whatever decision they make. But don't start to get into a war against her where you have to prove you are a wonderful mother so that they don't prefer her, or find fault with her, you are bound to hate her and not like her because when a man strays the wife usually blame the other woman rather than examine her marriage, herself and blame him. Remember he is the one who make you promises and commitments, he is the one who swore he would be with you forever, she did not break any promises to you at all and owes you nothing. If your marriage had been great it would not have happened. It may simply be that he is not cut out to be with one person for the whole of his lifetime and will end up leaving her when she gets a bit fatter, wrinkly, a few grey hairs etc.
In the meantime she will spend a lot of time and money on trying to keep looking great so he stays, not much of a life .Constantly worrying that your partner will do the same to you he did to his ex. In a way he did you a favour by going off with her, that was better than him making do with a marriage he found lacking and sneaking about and cheating and lying until whenever. It would have been far worse for you if he had waited another ten years to do it. Or stayed forever because of other motives rather than friendship and love for you.
My mother and father split up when I was 15, neither was loving parents, neither thought of how I felt or how difficult my life became with having to leave school and many other things - such as going from a lovely big house with all mod cons to a tiny run down room with no bathroom and an outside toilet in the worst part of town. They were forever telling me how horrible the other one was.
I soon learnt that selfish parents act this way, trying to score points against the other, with no thought of the unfairness of it or the damage it can cause. I hope you act fairly instead towards your children.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2021): Wise words from wise owl .. you are their only mother . Talk to them and let them have input . If they wish to go . Then have time limit it is their first visit after all .
He may regret how he has treated you and sweetie you deserve more than this
Chin up .. walk tall.. you got this x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2021): I meant to say:
"Meeting this woman doesn't prove [anything]; or change how they feel about you as their mother."
P.S.
I know what you're thinking. They're going to shower the girls with tons of gifts, she'll try to impress them with her fairytale lifestyle; and use her model-looks and celebrity to dazzle the fantasies of little girls. Trust me, they know what's up! She's the lady who stole their dad from you; and she's the bee-yotch who caused your dad to want a divorce.
She might amaze them with how she lives, and impress them that she's a little famous; but in the end, she's nothing more than a homewrecker. A living Barbie doll. Couldn't find her own man, so had to go steal one! She is not their mother, and has no parenting experience. Even if they do like her, and she's a nice person; you are their mother. Nothing, and no-one, can change that! You can have a dozen step-moms, but you only get one real mother.
How long do you think she'll trust him, knowing he's capable of cheating???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2021): I think you should have a caucus with the girls, and ask them how they would feel about it. Don't pressure them, or make them feel guilty for being honest; because they will want to see their father for the holidays, and there's not much you can really do about that. You can deny him access to the girls, but how do you think they'd feel about that?
Meeting this woman doesn't prove or change how they feel about you as their mother. They have no feelings toward her one-way or another. Eleven year-old girls are pretty capable of thinking independently; and will surely let you both know where they stand.
If he has already moved-out and is currently living with this woman, eventually the girls are going to meet her. I think he's putting the cart before the horse; by being so certain some 25 year-old model is stable and mature enough to be ready for married-life, and interrupting her career to be a step-mom to kids she has not even met yet.
Daddy thinks he's got it all figured-out, but this could go sideways at any given time. She has to constantly be on the hunt for modeling jobs, or she may be required to travel at any given moment; and her modeling career may only last for three to four more years at the most. Jobs don't just fall into your lap. The competition is stiff, and even he will feel neglected. Things might be slow for now; but if she wants to pay the bills, she has to work! He might be just another passing-romance in her fairytale life. She might be getting-off on the soap opera drama of stealing somebody's husband; and all the intrigue that presents for now. Until she gets bored; and ready to move-on to the next thing. At the moment, I guess his penis is doing all the thinking.
Keep speaking to your attorney, get all your ducks in a row. Be careful with how you handle the children in this situation. You shouldn't make them pawns, or the rope in a tug-of-war with your husband. It could negatively affect them psychologically, being forced to choose sides. It's hard enough being their age and facing their parents getting a divorce. They don't need to be in the middle of this mess; they are only children. Maybe you can convince your husband, if you attempt a compromise. Maybe he should come see the children on Christmas, and work-out their first introduction to the woman after the holidays. You can't completely forbid it; because he has a legal right to see his children, and they will want to see him in spite of all this. They love him too.
After discussing it with the girls, you might be able to resolve the issue by allowing them their input. They may not want to see her, and he may be sorry he ever attempted to introduce them so soon. They are, after all, two eleven year-old girls; and those I know have very little trouble letting you know where they stand on things, and expressing exactly how they feel. With razor-sharp honesty.
Try not to allow this to ruin the holiday for you and the girls. I know that's easier said than done; but you have the love of your girls and family to give you strength.
I wish you peace, and I hope this will work itself out in the end. God bless you and your daughters, my dear!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2021): Well I'm glad you changed the names at least because you forgot that you are a very enticing mom to many people and you need to guard your security carefully.
I'm not sure if this could be true or not but you could block your husband from demanding the girls go to his new sidekick by claiming that: 'he is not in his right mind at the moment!'
We know for a fact that most dad's are doing their utmost to spend Xmas with their families, not running off with the first but of c+c.
A little bit of bluntness would secure your position here.
You are the woman wronged and that does not mean you have to feed out of the palm of your errant hubbies hand.
Put it clearly, the girls have no interest in meeting his new sex buddy.
There is no call to disrupt their xmas. He has no legal right whatsoever.
Maybe your solicitor will make it clear to you that you are in a much stronger situation than you think you are.
The dazzle of his new flame will certainly fail to satisfy anyone on a legal team so don't contact him and advise the girls that just because dad has gone off the rails it doesn't mean the whole family must collapse and be at his beck and call.
Order pizza parties for yourselves and enjoy happy days.
It's dad's time to miss out on your happy family while he tries to impress his side kick between the sheets.
The girls need not have any part in his ill considered movements.
Sounds like midlife crises combined with a strong desire for a selfish lifestyle.
Solicitors and lawyers just love those cases because they can make him pay and pay.
He will need to put aside for college funds as well, so technically he had better stay the right side of his social media fling because you have every right to shut him out for good.
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