A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My sister had a baby out of wedlock a few months ago and where i come from it is shunned upon. though it is common nowadays in this country people still look down at those who have bastard children. my sister went on for years of abuse towards me calling me a whore and a slut and a prostitute since i was ten years of age all because i could wear shorts and affordable clothing cause i was thinner than her. anyways she had the baby and all the family including me stood by her and all she did was throw it back in our faces. She pays for nothing for the kid. she goes out when she wants and sees who she wants without any problem or worry over her child and left my mother and me to rear her kid. she's been on 3 holidays in the last 2 months and no one says anything to her. my mother told her she was unfit to be a parent because she is so selfish. now she is due to take off again next week for another holiday for the week without her kid and my mother told told me tonight that I didnt give a damn about the kid. I'm asking for advice because i dont know where that leaves me. i'm due to go back to college soon and this year i decided to move out so that i could focus on my studies a lot more as my course is difficult. where does what my mother said to me leave me? I have just wasted nearly 2 years of my life helping raise this child without any thanks. i'm in my 20's. I have practically no social life because of the last 2 years. I wasnt the one who got pregnant and shamed the family and carry on as if nothing is wrong? I certainly didnt sign up for raising a child as I want to finish school first and I dont want to end up staying at home forever. what do i do?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 Go to college/Uni - get yourself the education you want and move out. Your mom is an adult, and if she doesn't want to raise her grandson, then that is on her. YOU have no real obligations towards your niece/nephew.
I think the more you and your mom enable your sister, the longer it will take for her to accept her responsibility as a mother.
I think I know why your mom said it though, she doesn't want to raise the baby all by herself and she has been relying on your the past 2 years.
YOU need to live your life. You need to explain that to your mom.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 Stand up for yourself woman! This is not your responsibility! You make up your plans, then you tell your mother what they are... don't let her guilt trip you or compromise, this is your life and you need to be assertive right now to keep it that way.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 I agree with Mishmash but I wonder if you can have a conversation with you Mum about how you are feeling. If your sister is not going to step up maybe you could suggest adoption. There are so many couples out there who would love a child but are unable to have one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): These people aren't going to take care of you, so you have to do it for yourself. Move out and build your life. When you're on your feet you can do more for your niece than if you stay in this situation. You can still keep your relationship with her in any case. It is not your responsibility to take care of your sister's child. Let them work it out on their own. If you were the only family member there that would be different, and even then you would need help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): It sounds like your mother has misplaced her feelings for your sister on to you. Truthfully, it's a terrible situation for your mom. She's raising a grandchild because your sister won't take responsibility for a child. It's probably not easy and it's probably very disappointing to her.
You don't deserve this, you should move out, and you should continue your studies. I think you're at an age where you SHOULD be selfish since your future depends on it. You might leaving your mom, but you are NOT burdening her as your sister did. I don't think you can have any meaningful conversation with your mother about this unless, you sister is involved and chooses to acknowledge that she's failing as a parent. It seems like both your sister and your mother are avoiding things they need to confront: Your sister needs to confront that she's a lousy parent. Your mom needs to confront your sister about the same issue and refuse to parent her children.
It sounds like a tough situation. Even if it pisses your mom off, move out, stay in school and follow through on your studies. Good luck.
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