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anonymous
writes: My older sister is 53 yrs old. She's a bright, intelligent woman with much in her life to be thankful for. Since we were kids, she has struggled with low self-esteem and weight problems. She married at 19 to an alcoholic had one daughter, divorced him when her daughter was still a baby. Then a few years later, she remarried a wonderful man with whom she had two more children (sons). When her daughter was very young, my sister was very harshly critical very controlling, and unloving toward her. As a result, the daughter rebelled as a teenager and she and her Mom had problems. But life goes on, and the daughter grew up, got through the troubled teen years (she's 34 now), and has married with 2 super kids and living a good, respectable life. The problem is: My sister still resents her daughter and treats her with disdain. It's like my sister is holding a lifelong grudge against her daughter. My sister still condemned her and the daughter found this relationship much too draining & painful and has removed herself from her Mother's life, altogether. But my sister still insists on harrassing her daughter, stalking her at work, making harrassing phone calls to her. It's a bad situation and my sister's daughter is beside herself with worry and grief over what her mother is doing. My sister once told me "she was jealous of her daughter because the girl was slim and very attractive" I told my sister, that her jealousy of her own daughter was inapporpriate and that she had to accept her children unconditionally and love them no matter what. Because I said this to my sister, she got angry at me for taking a stand and has been on a campaign of condemnation against me within the family. I just ignore it and just carry on with my life. It's been years, and my sister is still angry at me and she does not speak with me. But deep inside me..it does hurt that my own sister would do this to me and her daughter. I really think my sister is having some emotional problems because she has just gotten worse as she gets older. She is extremely judgmental of others and if one doesn't agree with her she simply tells them to "take a hike" and she never takes responsibiltiy for the pain she causes others. I have grown tired of the condemnations, gossip and insults she has inflicted on me and my family. She is of the mindset she is "right" all the time. She acts like all that she does to others is perfectly fine and everyone else is wrong. I feel so sorry for her daughter, because she is an incredibly good person and now-her own brothers and step-dad will have nothing to do with her because of her Mother's strong influence. It is so sad. I really think my sister needs some professional help...she has so many problems and causing much heartache to the very people who love her and want to support her through this. Anyone got any thoughts on this? Any type of support or advice, thoughts, opinions would be greatly appreciated by me. Thanks
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female
reader, ggranny  +, writes (9 January 2010):
Wow! This story sounds so much like my situation with my daughter. However it is just the opposite as my daughter hates me and have managed with many lies and manipulations have caused her brothers and the rest of the family to turn against me. It is very painful because I have been ostracized and my family has nothing to do with me. For many years it has been me that made sure our family has gatherings for most holidays. My daughter has a narcissistic personality, she has become a lesbian after birthing three beautiful daughters. She has been on crack and I had to take the children...she has jumped on me and now she has managed to turn my family against me with lies. What really hurts is the fact that no family member has come to me and talk about what is going on and/or to verify the lies. I was a single mother and I worked very hard to give them a life that I did not have as a child. My daughter needs counseling and as long as she has an audience, she will not get the much needed therapy. She was ordered to anger management by the court after getting into a fight at a gay bar and she was really doing great as her therapist made her take responsibility for her actions rather than to blame me. She was so excited and she said that when she left her therapist...she felt so good. Then one of her lesbian friends invited her to go to San Francisco on vacation and she went, leaving her 3 daughters with me...and missed her appointment with her therapist, thereby getting in trouble with the courts and having a police record about anger (which caused her not to be eligible as a "Foster Parent" and of course she blamed me...saying that I made a negative recommendation and that's why she was denied being a foster parent). She has not been back to counseling and she has gotten progressively worst. I work two jobs and have no insurance for me to go to counseling so I rely on sites like this one just to get some incite and relief in knowing that I am not the only one suffering with this problem.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): My sister is very controlling with a bad temper. Her kids 11 and 13 are brain washed by her controlling ways. If things do not go her way she threatens her kids NOT ONLY THAT she yells and uses profanity with them me. I went to her home and she and I were in a disagreement about something I never yell or belittle I was calm as can be her response to my statement was your a F#!@%^@-n Beea!!!@$^ yelling at the top of her lungs and infront of her daughter age 11. I was so embarrassed and hurt I did not engage in her sick ways I just stayed calm. What do I say to my neice? My husband has told me “he is done” meaning he does not want to be a part of my sisters life and unfortunatley this now will include my neice and nephew who both adore there Uncle but are influenced by there mom and are not respectfull towards us at times. My sister undermines us and we both are sick of her chaotic life. Most of the time when being with my sister is like walking on eggshells… or waiting for the volcano to blow… I just keep thinking of the kids but my husband has had it~ we are even thinking of moving out of the state.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): Oh my, the "anonymous reader" seems so full of hate herself. Is everyone sure that SHE is not the one with the mental disorder. I feel so much resentment for a mother that she doesn't even know. To say nothing of us having never heard the other side of the story. No one can tell by the little bit on the website what created the problem, how it's progressed through years and years, who has made steps toward reconciliation. How those were accepted, or declined.
I believe that I may have somewhat of a narcisstic personality. It's not something I want but I know that I'm different emotionally than most people. And I know that my life has been flooded with sadness and depression. I have pretended a lot that I am happy when I'm not. Mostly so that others would not be exasperated with me and desert me as "high maintenance". However, I am not "dark" or "very imperfect". I just feel very depressed when I'm left out, or treated as though I am not special (my mind says "isn't that the same as unloved"?). It's easy for me to take things personally if I'm not careful. Sometimes I feel sad (comes out like angry) when I do things to make someone feel my love for them and the act goes unappreciated or unnoticed. These are more apt descriptions of my narcissm (?). But, in any case, each person is different. My intended observation here is that the Mother seems to get the total blame. Where's the appreciation for something so simple as care and nurturing of the daughter in her childhood. Did she survive physically unharmed, somewhat able to function socially? Are we sure the Auntie didn't spread gossip and manipulate out of jealousy for her sister. I noticed that the sisters weight was mentioned more than once. It's sometimes hard to see the love through family disputes because the hurt is blinding.
I keep trying to bind my family together through all the rifts and craters that happen because of misunderstandings. I fear an estrangement lasting for any amount of time would devastate me as my kids are my life. They laugh at me, poke fun at my emotional suffering over very small things, and often my oldest "informs" strangers to "take care" as I may "go off" at any moment. These things hurt tremendously, but I never mention there could be any better way to handle the situation as I would then be "going off". I am fragile, but am required to be tough at the same time. None of my feelings or their resulting actions are devised to control or hurt anyone else, but I am often accused by those I love most of being a mean manipulative person. I hang on. I guess I always will. I try to eat healthy, exercise, and think before I speak. I spend most of my time alone so that I can minimize hurting anyone I love. I wish I could find words to change things for the daughter, mother and sister. But it's the one's w/o the disease who would have to reach out and it appears to me that they don't really want to. It appears to me that the primary need is placing blame on the Mom and establishing the long suffering of the Auntie and the daughter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who posted answers here to my problem. My sister, who is so fortunate to have such a wonderful abundance of grandchildren, still shuns her only daughter. Sadly, this daughter's own 2 children are growing up without a grandmother. It's very painful for these kids. I've come to the conclusion that only my sister can change herself. I try hard to understand why my sister is like this-her jealousies, her controlling behaviours, her vindictiveness tells me she's a very broken person inside.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (3 July 2005):
Your sister sounds like a very sad woman, surely others in the family will see her for what she is and know that her comments are false? it sounds to me like there isnt even any point in trying to tak to her about this. Maintain your relationship with the rest of your family. You are in a similar situation as a member of my family was and she realised only too late what she had done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2005): Gosh, this lady sounds sooo much like my Mother. Only thing, my Mother went for help and was diagnosed with "narcissm", a personality disorder. I learned a lot about this disorder, so I could better understand my Mother. I will share what I feel is going on with your family. This is just my opinion but there are SO manyparallel symptoms here..that I felt I had to share this.Narcisstic people will never admit they are wrong or bother to say "I'm sorry" or forgive others. It sounds like your sister may have this. From what you say, her moods are unpredictable and I take it from your letter, she has been moody for years. And when anger, frustration hits her..a bad mood spills on everyone around her. You say when you tried talking to her about her problems with her daughter..she distanced herself from you. This is typical because narcisstic people hate being questioned about their behaviours. It's easier just to dump people out of their lives and they feel no remorse for it. Your sister seems to have an obssessive neediness to be admired & respected and most people give her that until they voice an opinion she doesn't like. She likes her ego inflated (due to low self-esteem)and she cultivates others to do this. (the hubby and sons) It sounds like her daughter, went against her in her rebellious years and that was too much for your sister to withstand. Things were not going HER way. So she has spent the better part of her adult years making her daughter pay. I bet my bottom dollar, the daughter has been nice and truly believed in her Mother's specialness at one point and tried very hard to win her over. Sadly,this doesn't work. Nice charitable people are treated with contempt instead of respect. These people represent to the Mother, what she despises. She truly believes that only the weak and common permit themselves to be demeaned. People like this cannot face that their nature is in fact, dark and very imperfect. She cannot face that she is no more special, no more unique, no more perfect than anybody else. Unthinkable! What can she possibly fall back on if she were to simply enjoy her many assets as well as accept and work around the impact of her many deficits? She believes special rules apply to her, and she is not willing to give these up without a struggle. She's secretly glad others haven't figured out her out. She's a smart cookie. Giving up her specialness in unthinkable. It does not feel good. Take Care and I hope you can convince this lady..she needs help in dealing with her disorder.It sounds like you and her daughter have her figured out and you are both now a threat to her...special world. It's easier for her to dump family than to come to grips with her own fallibilities. Good Luck to you and this woman's daughter. This lady does need professional help. She will be unhappy for years to come if she doesn't get this checked into.
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female
reader, melxx +, writes (29 June 2005):
As much as you would want to help her she must realise what she has done to the family in her own time.Soon there will be no one left for her to hate that she will then understand what she done. I know nothing will ever be the same but she might want to build bridges with her daughter and you.
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