A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey i need some advice. my problem is i hate my sister and my mum made me send my sister an invite to my wedding. i dont want her there! shes always been so jealous of me, to the point she used to physically, mentally and emotionally abuse me. everyone says im the better looking sister, in general iv always got more attention because iv always been more forward and loud. we shared a bedroom for the first 12years of my life, she used to beat me up every night and tell me she wishes i was dead and my parents wish they never had me. when i cried she did it more. i cried myself to sleep most nights so had red eyes when i went to school the next day. my parents did nothing about it.the first memory i had of her doing it, i was in nursey, probably around 3years old. i wanted toys out of our bedroom but she wudnt let me in, she trapped my toes in the door and tried to crush my toes. the worst thing shes done is either gave me an asthma attack or pushed me down the stairs.anyway we moved house and i had a bedroom of my own, and from age 12-19years old we did not speak. when i met my fiance she got really jealous and went out with anyone to get attention. she met this guy who shes now with. she started to spend the weekend at his house, when i moved in with my fiance, she decided to move in with her boyfriend. me and my fiance have been engaged for a yr and a half and in march we announced we are getting married in november. when my mum told my sister, her boyfriend said she'd been really quiet for the rest of the week. my mum said that my sisters jealous and said "when we get married we'll be having a church wedding" me and my fiance are getting married in a registry office and my mum thinks my sister said she said that because shes jealous n trying to better me. my mum said she can tell my sister is totally jealous of me in the way she speaks. iv got a fiance, a gorgeous baby boy and a really nice house, and my sisters living with her boyfriend at his parents house.my mums made me send an invite to my sister for our wedding but i really hope she doesnt come, her bf wore jeans to my aunty's wedding! plus i cant see my sister coming to my wedding knowing id get all the attention especially as everyone will be giving my son so much attention (hes 7months at the moment) i wouldnt talk to her even if she did come, she isnt ruining my big day! but i got a feeling she'll either not come or ruin it for me somehow.
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female
reader, sk123  +, writes (7 September 2010):
I am going through a very similar situation and I finally took a stand and I feel fantastic! My sister was physically, and emotionally abusive to me throughout my life, my mother's, sister's and brothers' as well. She had an affair with my fiance'/ex-fiance' and when I got breast cancer she said she wished I would hurry up and die already. My mother wants her to go to my wedding for reasons that have nothing to do with my happiness and has everything to do with her own happiness and I think peace of mind that she has a vision of all her kids together for the first time in a long time. She even said how unfortunate it would be that we would not be able to take a family portrait together. I may sound bitter, but at this stage with everything that I allowed to happen to me for so many years trying to be a GOOD GIRL, I just can't anymore, I'm wiped out and spent.
The real issue here is not whether my sister gets invited to an event in my life, but rather inviting her to any part of my life again leaving me vulnerable to her aggressive, manipulative, lying nature. She's not a part of my life right now and when she is it's dangerous. She is toxic. The issue is this(and I told my mother this), I do not want to invite her back into my life on the most special day of my life. I don't want to roll those dice on my wedding day. The rest of my family is supportive for the most part. Unfortunately I'm out of remission and my breast cancer is back in my lungs bones and lymph nodes stage IV, so why now, why is my sister contacting me NOW after 3 and a half years of silence? I will have more regrets having her attend my wedding. Abuse is not okay, emotionally, physically or in any capacity. I feel stronger for the first time and I feel safe and loved. My husband to be supports me 100% on this decision and I will be able to look back at this day without having to play a game. I don't think you should be pretending on the most authentic day of your life, the day you take your vows and have the people there that are loving and supportive of your union. I would not invite anyone that was not supportive and loving. We are not their sport and our wedding day is not a playground for jealous little girls to attack.
My brother told me the best way to figure it out is ask yourself the regret question. Will you have more regrets having invited than you would if you were not to invite her? I will have no regrets by inviting her... I feel relief
A
female
reader, sk123 +, writes (7 September 2010):
I am going through a very similar situation and I finally took a stand and I feel fantastic! My sister was physically, and emotionally abusive to me throughout my life, my mother's, sister's and brothers' as well. She had an affair with my fiance'/ex-fiance' and when I got breast cancer she said she wished I would hurry up and die already. My mother wants her to go to my wedding for reasons that have nothing to do with my happiness and has everything to do with her own happiness and I think peace of mind that she has a vision of all her kids together for the first time in a long time. She even said how unfortunate it would be that we would not be able to take a family portrait together. I may sound bitter, but at this stage with everything that I allowed to happen to me for so many years trying to be a GOOD GIRL, I just can't anymore, I'm wiped out and spent.
The real issue here is not whether my sister gets invited to an event in my life, but rather inviting her to any part of my life again leaving me vulnerable to her aggressive, manipulative, lying nature. She's not a part of my life right now and when she is it's dangerous. She is toxic. The issue is this(and I told my mother this), I do not want to invite her back into my life on the most special day of my life. I don't want to roll those dice on my wedding day. The rest of my family is supportive for the most part. Unfortunately I'm out of remission and my breast cancer is back in my lungs bones and lymph nodes stage IV, so why now, why is my sister contacting me NOW after 3 and a half years of silence? I will have more regrets having her attend my wedding. Abuse is not okay, emotionally, physically or in any capacity. I feel stronger for the first time and I feel safe and loved. My husband to be supports me 100% on this decision and I will be able to look back at this day without having to play a game. I don't think you should be pretending on the most authentic day of your life, the day you take your vows and have the people there that are loving and supportive of your union. I would not invite anyone that was not supportive and loving. We are not their sport and our wedding day is not a playground for jealous little girls to attack.
My brother told me the best way to figure it out is ask yourself the regret question. Will you have more regrets having invited than you would if you were not to invite her? her than you woul
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): Sorry, but I disagree with the position of "taking the high ground". That only works with reasonable people. It does not work with abusers and toxic people.
If the sister is an emotional manipulator/abuser/toxic person, you NEVER let them back into your life in the name of "taking the high ground."
Would you let a pedophile be around children again by forgiving him and taking the moral high ground...or
do you never let him near your kids again?
I can hear the preacher now..."is there anyone here that would object to this union...oh we have a hand up.."
Mom didn't care that the abuse went on, or she does not beleive it, and STILL wants the sister to be invited for MOM to save face...not for the bride or the sister.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 I can see where all the aunts are coming when they say that you should invite her because it would be taking the high road and possibly open the door to reconciliation. They have a point and that's something to think about. It looks like your sister feels inadequate and she's jealous of your success in life. That says a lot about what kind of person she is... bitter, jealous, and I would feel sorry for her if she weren't so hateful.
This is YOUR special day, and I can see why you wouldn't want your sister there. How can your mom force you to invite your sister? You're an adult, and it's your choice.
I was going to suggest eloping, like one of the other posters said. I never want to get married but if I do, I'm going to elope. I love my family but there is a lot of drama in my family and I don't want to deal with the drama.
Congratulations, I hope everything goes well for you on your wedding day! Don't let your sister get you down. She sounds like a bitch (no offense).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): I disagree with everyone else on this issue, I think you should invite the bitch along just to show her that no matter what she does, or how bad she treats you she will never win.
You will ALWAYS be the happier, more successful and prettier sister.
If she does anything to even slightly mess up your special day then the rest of your family will see her for the bitter soulless little tramp she is.
She made your life hell, because her selfish little ego couldn't handle that she had to share the attention of her parents with you. You should make her endure a full day of everyone in the family giving you all the attention.
Now you know that your happiness kills her, why not get your own back by forcing her to endure seeing you at your happiest, the best day of your life, knowing that she's sitting there forced to hold in all her contempt and jealousy should be oh so satisfying.
Also you'll be taking the moral high ground, your mom wants your sister there and it's just assumed by everyone else that she will be, uninviting her would create a tension before the wedding even started, there'd be a lot of talking and drama leading up to the wedding when you should just be focusing in making it the greatest day ever. You'd essentially be giving her ammunition to make it seem like your the bitter twisted one.
Let her come and when she does completely ignore the hell out of her, she doesn't exist and if anything happens it will all be down to her. You can always renew your vows, get married again, somewhere special if she ruins it, but she will never be able to recover her reputation in your family if she does so.
Either way she can't win.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding I hope it's everything you dreamed it would be.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 You are an adult.
That means you have the power and rights of an adult which includes not inviting someone you do not want at your party.
Being an adult also means that you have to deal with the consequences of being an adult which is that when you make an unpopular decision, you will have to bare the consequences. If you uninvited your sister, your mother will not be happy and you will have to field questions from guests asking "where your sister is?" Some other guest like your mom may not go, or make a face during the event.
With this many issues, have you thought about eloping where just you and your husband get married? It would bypass this whole issue.
Look, it is your wedding.
It is your life.
It is your decision.
but with each decision there is a consequences.
In helping you make the decision, look at which consequences you would rather experience.
-Frank
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (27 July 2010):
Accept the fact that your sister mistreats you not because of who you are, but because of who she is. She obviously thinks very little of herself and measures her success in life against yours. If you honestly believe and accept those things as the truth, you will free yourself of emotions like resentment, which is unhealthy, and replace it with sympathy, which is healthy. Then you can decide whether to invite her to your wedding without negative emotions clouding your judgment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): hey im the one that posted the question. caringguy - yeah i think she wants people to think we are a normal together family, no-one in my family knows what my sister did to me, when i told my aunty who recently got married she was shocked and couldnt believe it, i said to her "havent u ever wondered why she never spoke to me"
btw im 20 and my sister is 24 nearly 25.
i sent out invites a while ago and she hasnt told my mum shes coming so hopefully thats a good sign. i dont really want to phone her or email her and tell her i dont want her there because i hate her. even if i did i think she'd come out of spite anyway, one good thing my fiance used to be in the police and all his old colleagues will be there but dont really want a scene.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): It's your party. Invite whom you want. Uninvite whom you want. Make no excuses, explain nothing. Let the chips fall where they may. Go on, just be happy.
Remember, other's opinions of you are worthless.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Call your sister and un-invite her, inform your mother of your decision. Tell her it's NOT debatable.
IT IS YOUR WEDDING!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Speak to her and say you don't want her there!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 July 2010):
Don't dance to your mother's tune. I know why she's wanted this. She wants the illusion that everything is okay and the family is all 'together'. I know it must be hurting your mother to see this, very much. No parent wants to see this behaviour between siblings. I, like you, think she will go out of her way to ruin your big day. Withdraw the invite, explain to your mother than you just don't want her there, and can't have her there, and plan your wedding and have anyone YOU want. Your mother will be upset, but this sister of yours shouldn't be there. I know as well as you do that she will ruin it, and you deserve more than that.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (27 July 2010):
 It's your special once in a lifetime day - you invite who you want x
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