A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I am really struggling.Since the day they were each born, I have been like a second Mom to my nieces. I have such special relationships with each of them, am the Godmother of #2 and I love them like they were my own kids. Throughout their lives, I have lived 10 miles away from them and I have been totally engaged in their lives - going to every sporting event, every school function, every extracurricular event, etc. My sister-in-law always made a point to include me in everything and make me aware of every single one of their events. Patterns were established over the course of their early years as to my interactions with them/my level of involvement with their lives. My sister-in-law and I had an amazing relationship, as did she and my Mom. Over the course of the past five years, my sister-in-law has become someone I don't even recognize anymore. See acts like she is bipolar - you just never know who you are going to get when you see her. She yells at the kids more and her fuse is very short. I feel so bad for the kids (they have 2 girls and 2 boys). Her and my relationship has been incredibly strained and she is often condescending, rude and downright mean to me - many times in front of the kids. And she is very passive aggressive. Every time she has been, I have taken the high road and not responded - for the sake of the kids. I don't want them to feel more uncomfortable than they already do. Recently, she blocked me from Facebook and stopped talking to me. I was finally able to talk to my brother the other night and they are basically blaming me for all of her hurt and anger the last several years - because I am too close to the girls and am "sabotaging" her efforts to build her relationships with them. My nieces are 14 and 15 and her relationship with the 15-year-old is very strained because her daughter just doesn't like her - which I don't blame her quite frankly. I hug them too long and too much, I have all the fun with them - which makes her look bad because she is the one that has to discipline them, I take too many pictures with them on special occasions, I spend too much time with them at family events, we look at pictures on our phones too much when we are all together (Maybe if I start printing them, that would make it ok?), I text/Snapchat with them too much (which is now my only way to communicate with them), I go to too many of their events - basically everything I have always done with them throughout their lives. My brother says that even though I may think I am acting in the best interest of the kids, I am really being selfish and doing it all for my own happiness when I do all this because I am trying to fill a void in my life (I am single with no kids). I was flabbergasted. He said this has bothered her for a long time and now it is making it near impossible for her to be close to the girls. I am supposed to stop having the type of relationship I do with the girls and am supposed to ask my sister-in-law what I can and can not do / how I can and can not act with the girls and "fall in line" with what they think is acceptable. Basically, she would be happy if I just disappeared altogether. Beside myself, the ones who are really suffering here are the kids. They all walk on eggshells when they are with me and their Mom is also there. It's like none of us know how to act for fear of setting her off. She doesn't think she plays any role at all in the deterioration of our relationship and that it is all because of how I act. She will never take any form of accountability. My brother said the ONLY way this will be resolved is if I approach her and apologize (for being myself, basically) and ask her what the "rules of engagement" are. And I am SICK of having to be the bigger person and take all of the abuse and bullying from her. Yet, my youngest niece, my Goddaughter - with whom I have such a close/lovey relationship - has told me she is sad that her Mom and I don't get along anymore. All the kids are torn because she is their Mom and they love me dearly. And I am torn because I don't even want to see her, much less talk to her, yet the kids are the loves of my life.
View related questions:
engaged, facebook, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 April 2019):
 Wow, what a horrible situation to be in!
I was shocked also to read that your own brother says you are being selfish! I have a niece who is around 1.5 years old and my brother brings her round to see the family almost every day so I couldnt even imagine being told news like this. This is a tough one as you’re really doing nothing wrong here besides being a caring aunt which makes this situation extremely stressful.
I understand your predicament of not wanting to bow down to you SIL as why should you? You’re not even doing anything! It’s on her if she can’t control her children and make them obey her, unless you were going out of your way to make their mother look bad then she hasn’t really got a leg to stand on.
As honeypie said I’d probably try to tone it back A LITTLE, nothing drastic, don’t disappear or be cold to anyone, I would reassure your nieces that you love them both dearly and you’re there for anything that they need but let them come to you or message you first rather than the opposite. I definitely wouldn’t be apologising to your SIL to stroke her ego as you’d also be accepting fault for something especially when you haven’t done anything! What a sad, sad woman is all I can say and as for your brother, I’d be raging with the selfish comment and him taking a dig about being single/childless, really below the belt.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2019): Mum is trying to iron out the kids problems and unfortunately all the blame has turned on to you.This means the ride is over.You dont need to be criticised for being the nicest person you could possibly be.Think of the advantages of drawing back.The mums attitude will ease up.She may even get to the bottom of the problem she is having with the kids.You are not an internet groomer so you are a safe person but mum needs to rule out all options right now until she knows the facts.So stand back and pray for them.The love thats due to you for your kindness wont go unrewarded but may come from another source.Consider sponsoring a child from abroad.The whole community will love your effort and maybe you can visit one day.You may have more good to share so take a knockback and know that your neices will never forget you and will visit when thay are older.Wish the mum the best of luck.No one can steal your love from you but move on for now because ypu lead by examples but try to remember the important dates like birthdays and christmas and kill their mum with kindness.Gifts to mum might restore her self esteem.A chat with her might reveal her true anxieties but in your shoes I would sail on.If you doubt yourself take a spiritual reading from a reputable source and you may find missing peices of the jigsaw.No one can blame you for being a wonderful aunty.But step away from the blame-game while they iron out their problems together.You have no time for that and you are much needed elsewhere.Have you considered fostering or adoption.Most certainly start sponsoring a child today.You are much needed and wanted.Let those dangerous arrows fall elsewhere as you move on!I think the mum will realise that you are not her enemy but she must seek you out when she reaches that conclusion.She may be stepping on the brakes too hard in her youngsters life but as she is the mum you dont need telling twice to back off.You can do it!And the youngsters know where to find you in an emergency.This is not worst case scenario.It is a glitch.But also a nudge so you focus elsewhere.Could I sign you up as an Aunty if I find a sad mum?Maybe you should put an ad im the paper: "Gifted aunty with an excellent memory for detail seeks a young family desparate for Aunty love.As I dont want to be played the fee will be $1000 per afternoon attendance at school fumctions!" So just let mum sort herself out and think nothing of her complaints.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2019): Honest question, Would you have the same relationship with them, if you had married and had your own, where would you find the time? You do appear (from your post) to sound self centered always referring to yourself as the bigger or better person. This one line concerned me, (All the kids are torn because she is their Mom and they love me dearly), does it not come into your mind that they may actually love their mother and not just you.This other comment sounds like a cosy little gang where mum is the outcast, (They all walk on eggshells when they are with me and their Mom is also there. It's like none of us know how to act for fear of setting her off). I agree you are probably making her look like the big bad ogar, when mum says NO you say YES, who are they going to prefer,the one who says yes. They are the loves of your life, but you forget they are the loves of their mothers life. You need to stop been selfish and put yourself back into a healthy aunt relationship role and let their birth mother do her rolewith her own children. Your relationship sounds unhealthy and has obviously taken its toll on your sister in law.I am extremely close to my nieces and nephews but know the boundary between parenting and been a fun aunty, you don't.Save the relationship by respecting the mother and her wishes as THEIR MOTHER.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2019): When I read the first part of your post...that you have been to EVERY event concerning your nieces, sporting, school and extracurricular, I will be honest...my first thought was 'Gosh that's got to be hard on their Mum. Isn't she good to let you know EVERY single time that her children are doing something, so that you can be there and take something away from the time their Mum might want to spend with them'.
I thought how I would find it difficult not to be able for it to be just me and my kids sometimes or even, a lot of the time, so I can build the closeness and the relationship I want to build with my children. Why 'Auntie' has always got to be there?
And then I went on to read that your SIL has changed and I thought she has finally come to the end of her tether with this. I could be wrong and maybe your sister isn't well mentally, as you imply, but my first thought was, 'She's had enough'. As would I have had.
Look it's lovely that you want to be around your nieces and that you love them, but from what I've read in your post it's way too much, too much of the time.
Can you not imagine how it is for your sister in law never being able to be at an event on her own with her kids? Can you not see how it IS your SIL who has to dish out the discipline while all you do is dish out the hugs and get all the love? If I was your SIL I would have felt overwhelmed by you and your presence a long time ago.
I think you said it all in your last sentence, that these children are the loves of your life. Well, they shouldn't be. These children should be the love of their parents' lives perhaps. And they are precious to you and you love them, but they should not be the centre of your life to the detriment of your SIL's relationship with her children.
Let your SIL be the person who dishes out the hugs and is there for them principally and you as the side dish as it were.
I love my godchildren but there is no way that I would overshadow their mother's role in their life like this.
Have more going on in your own life and let your nieces be with JUST their mother most of the time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 April 2019):
 As a mother I would LOVE to have a SIL that was so involved in my kids' lives.
It is EASIER to blame YOU, than take responsibility got her failure to have a good relationship with her daughters.
There is a BIG difference between being a mom and an aunt. A doting aunt CAN spoil the kids with attention, love and affection - where as a parent ALSO have to discipline, set boundaries and parent the kids. Doesn't mean that a MOM can't be as close to her kids as an aunt, or closer.
With all that said, YOU need to pull back. If the PARENTS (both) feel you are too involved, then pull back. TALK to your brother about a more "suitable" (for your SIL and brother) schedule.
THAT way the KIDS don't miss out on a good aunt and you aren't being the "competition" to the mom. I'd SUCK it up for the KIDS sake.
And yes, it IS easier for you to be the "exciting" and "happy", "supportive" etc. adult. YOU don't HAVE to deal with the kids 24/7, teenagers can be nice when they want to, but they can also be quite a handful. Something YOU as an aunt wouldn't have to deal with. YOU only have to deal with the "entertainment" side of the deal.
So you have to decide, your pride or be in the kids' lives.
...............................
|
