A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have been with a man for a little over 2 years now. He has two children from a previous marriage. He pays child support for these children. Everyone gets along, there are no hard feelings about anything.On the children's most recent school break, their mother surprised them with a trip to Disney World. The children called their father last night to share their excitement. (We knew they were going at some point just didn't know when). He starts texting the mother last night about wanting to give them souvenir money. Well, they were leaving early this morning. He never said anything more about it or how much he was giving them. Well he wakes up this morning very early and says he'll be back. I ask him where he is going he says to meet with them before they go on the trip.It has bothered me that he has given them additional money on top of what he already pays in child support. About this time last year he asked her if he could pay a little less since when we have them he blows through $100-$200 each time. She said no.Now he's giving her additional money during times like this. The whole situation just bothers me. Also,I didn't get invited to go with him before they left on their trip. I just feel left out and not in the loop.Am I getting upset over nothing?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 April 2019):
 What kind of father would the man be if he never paid a cent over what he was court ordered to pay?
Can you imagine a father who provided food, shelter, clothing, but absolutely NOTHING else? No glasses, no braces, no school lunch money, nothing for birthdays, Christmas (or whatever holidays they might celebrate), no little gifts just out of the blue?
I agree with the others. There are far too many non custodial parents (mothers and fathers alike) who will do no more than what they're court ordered to and often times even less.
It was thoughtful of him to pop over with extra money for them and to see them off before their big trip. And he was not obliged to bring you along for that. He and his children are entitled to spend time together without you there competing for attention.
I would be very careful about saying anything to him because there is a good chance you'll be seen as childish and self centred.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2019): You do know he is quite within his rights to spend time with his children without you being there don't you, you don't have to be nor should you be put out if he wants to.
Parents even if together are encouraged to spend time with children separately.
You are being unreasonable, I'm sure he is disappointed he isn't going to be in the loop when they are at Disney world, it's not all about you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2019): I have to be honest but if was him and I read this, I would break up with you in a heart beat.You blatantly do not have what it takes to be with a father.
Yes he pays, for them. As he should do and if WANTS to give HIS children spending money. So what. They are his kids and his money.
You have been with him for 2 years, by my standards, I wouldn't even class this as a long term relationship. I think you ha e to growing up to do.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 April 2019):
 Uhm, I guess you don't have what it takes to be dating a dad. ( Brw, this is not meant as a criticism, because I don't have it either and that's why I always kept my distance from men with kids ).
You really have no ground to stand on. These two kids are his kids, and his priority ; he is their dad- dads ,if they want and can ,give presents to their children and they don't need approval / permission from a girlfriend of 2 years - Of course he pays child support, - that's what he is mandated by law to pay- But it does not mean that he necessarily SHOULD only pay child support and no extras ever. I think it's great that this guy does , gladly and voluntarily, more than just the legal minimum for his kids; as compared to all the deadbeat dads that there are around… kudoos to him.
As for the extra money he blows on his kids every time he's got them , I don't see why ever his ex wife should make it her concern or should accept less child support ! Seriously !? It's not the ex wife asking , or forcing, your bf to blow a lot of extra money on his kids;_he has a very simple CHOICE- that of NOT spending tons of extra money on his kids when they are visiting .
I wonder why this gifts bother you. I mean, if it's because then he has less money left to spoil you and to buy YOU gifts- oh well. That's part and parcel of dating someone with previous baggage and committments ; not far, nor rational, taking him on board but then complaining that he HAS previous committments . Ditto if it's because it makes you feel that his kids are his priority , even a bit before you. I'd say that 's sort of normal and natural, and either you take it in stride, or you choose to date unencumbered men.
If his generosity though bothers you because it's excessive in relation to his financial circumstances, in other words if , for spoiling his kids, he struggles making ends meet, skips bills, ruins his credit etc., or, worse, asks you to pick up the slack and pay things that would not be your responsibility, because he is short of cash after spoiling the kids… then you need to intervene. You need to sit him down and explain how he needs to be more reasonabile financially, at the cost of being less
" popular " with his kids. But this, only if it involves you in the first person. Otherwise , what he gifts his kids is not really skin off your nose.
As for the trip alone to see his children off- no, I don't think you should pout and I don't think you should worry. His kids are leaving and he just wanted to have a dad/ kids moment with them. On his own. That's normal too. I mean, it's great if you get along with his kids ( and his ex ) and they don't see you as a threat or as the evil stepmother ; then again, you are atm, simply a girl who's dating dad , you don't need to share with your bf any and each of his parenting moments ( and you should not try to ).
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (25 April 2019):
 I don’t see an issue here at all. The guy is treating his kids, this isn’t money that’s going to child support, it’s going to his children so they can buy something special from a nice vacation. All I see here is a loving father.
It’s his money, he can spend it however he pleases, whether it’s not much or a lot, it’s up to him. I’m sure he could make cheaper plans if he really wanted to.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 April 2019):
 These are his kids. THEY should be his priority.
It wasn't the mother who TOLD him to hand over more money for stuff, it was HIS choice. My guess is because he can then still be part of their trip even if it is in "money form".
My husband paid a GOOD amount of child support to his ex-wife for their 2 children. and outside of the child support he DID help with extra's such as glasses, braces, school trips, uniforms, extra curricular school fees. And that DID take away from what OUR children were able to do. (as far as things that cost money).
Did I resent it? No. I understand it.
It was her ATTITUDE I resented. Because on top of all the extra he paid, and tried to help out with, SHE sabotaged as many planned meet up between dad and kids as she could... and then blamed it on him.
As for not taking you over there when he dropped of the money. I think it was just because HE wanted to SHARE that moment with his kids. And sorry, it's not about you.
YOU are dating a guy with kids and an ex-wife. You are NOT going to be his main priority. HIS kids are. AS IT should be.
She is NOT responsible for HOW much HE spends when he has the kids. SHE still have bills to pay and things for the kids, REGARDLESS of his spending on the kids.
Maybe YOU should talk to him about NOT trying to BUY his kids' affections. Set a budget for when they are at your place, but really.. he might be your partner but he isn't your husband or OBLIGATED to share his finances with you.
Are you upset that when he spends money on them.. there is less spoilage for you?
OR does his "generous" nature means that YOU end up paying for more than you share?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2019): They are his kids so he should pay for them and of course he wants to treat them if he can afford it. That's what you get being with a guy that has kids from a previous relationship. They will (nearly) always be his first priority. you will just have to live with his gift giving if you want to stay with him.
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