A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am at my wit's end and crying in despair. My siblings (except perhaps one) have decided that my mother has serious dementia/Alzheimer's and theyare practically causing her serious confusion by kidnapping her from her house without her permisson (and from her husband who has taken care of her for the past three years of her illness). Before her cancer, she was the most vibrant, selfless person in the universerse (I thought, being ofcourse, her daughter) And now, my siblings are rich and I am poor and they are doing everything behind her back. Myfather goes back and forth between their view and mine, because he respects my attitude, too, but they are just powerhousing her out of her life. I know she is fragile, but I would take care of her myself if they would help me, but unless I do everything which I can't because of my lack of money, they won't see my perspective and my mother told me today she wants to give up and "it's all a scam" and she wishes my father would come to dinner and hold her hand!! All I do is cry futiley because they have taken her far away, and my father and I are going there, but notimmediately and I still think their perspective will put my mother away when she could have been ok if the money had been used differently, for at home help, a correspondence secretary, a ride here and there, etc. Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): I'm the original writer. It is so wonderful to hear all your concerned andheartfull messages! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!One thing I must've misled you all on (sorry) -- she's not in a facility, (not yet...) All the list I complained about (no access to her checkbook or personal papers) is happeningat one of my sibling's houses! !!!! Now, reading birdynumnums' answer, it seems to me like my sibling's house is parallelingwhat happens in a facility! No wonder I've been going nuts!!!!!! Can't anyone see this?What my siblings see is all related to her mental state. They need to see itis related also to her cancer and other medical concerns. She is very ill, and DOES need healthcare, but as a musician (which she is, too) I can see alot that they, with business and legal attitudes discount. She is a playful person,and will try to cope by humor, which they miss the irony on.I hope I will be able to have an impact for her humanity as she is an artist anddeeply sensitive, with a subtle sense of humor that not everyone gets!!However, there also are some good things at my sibling's house, likeher grandchildren and they are loving, as I said. Also, one of the medications is helping her memory.All of your responses are really helping me to get a handle on the situation,and to be more thankful to my family.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 BTW, I also live in the U.S., in Chicago, and my extended family is up in Canada. The costs are pretty much the same in both countries for care from my inquiries last year.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (8 July 2008):
There is probably better care, but it costs a fortune. Good care costs a lot of money. Even when the care is expensive, it isn't one-on-one care, in most cases. My Dad was left to wander alone in a semi-private facility, and I was in another country. He spent most of his time trying to get out. The way that older people are treated is a disgrace, I agree. The only thing that you can do now is visit and supervise her care. If your siblings are willing to take on the expense for your Mom, you are probably 75% ahead of most families. When my Dad went in, my siblings chose the facility and then asked me to pay for it, so I'm in the opposite position. Even though they though it was a reasonable place, the care wasn't what they expected. BTW, They always try to transfer the patient in after a full day so that they are more docile, many dementia and Alzheimer's patients get violent when they aren't in their own world, they usually ask that family stay away for a few days until the person adjusts to the new facility. They always take away money, checks, credit cards and jewelry because things go missing and the facility doesn't want to be responsible. Imagine trying to keep track of all of those things for an entire floor of patients with memory problems! I know that this is all pretty standard for a lot of the facilities, but I'm sure if you haven't experienced this before that it's all pretty shocking. The best thing that you can do is to comfort and care for your Dad right now, and take him to visit as often as possible. I'm not sure about phone calls, because by the time my Father was in the facility, he didn't know what a phone was. My Mother finally asked to have him put in a facility when he became incontinent. She did an amazing job taking care of him until then, more than we all had realized. I think that we all kind of we in denial that he was so bad because she was doing everything and hiding it from us, bless her heart. Dementia isn't a nice way to go, but none of us can pick or choose how we die, I'm afraid. No one would choose this for themselves or a relative. I wish that I could suggest home care as an alternative, but if she is that confused, you would be looking at 24 hour care. That would be at $16 dollars an hour. That's $140,000 dollars a year. I'm sure that you and your siblings love your Mom, but how do you manage that expense, and still put your children through College, keep a roof over your own head and save for your own old age? If your siblings have taken on the expense of the facility that she is in, you are in a better position than most families. After my Father was in the semi-private home that had him removed because he was too much to handle, he was put into a government old age hospital where they tied him into a chair all day. It's not a nice way to go. I'm sorry that this letter doesn't help you or give you a better alternative, but You and your family are in my prayers, my Dear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): This is the original writer of the question. Thanks to everybody, but I guess I didn't explain the original situation, and the header (not written by me) was misleading. What I said was that the SIBLINGS -- i.e., NOT DOCTORS have decided that she has the Alzheimers. But I don't think she does. Dementia, yes, some, probably, but she has not been tested. It is true that they have children,
and so they are figuring her situation around the concern of taking care of their kids. Also, you are right, that my father can no longer do it alone. That's why I allowed her to leave at all, otherwise I think I might've called the police for the violation of a citizen's right to stay in her home!! But I AM very concerned about my aging father. But, I think it was wrong to say that she is confused when
a. She was taken away half asleep without even saying goodbye to her home.
b. not allowed to bring her things
c. doesn't have checkbook or money
d. is treated like one of their small kids, scolded,etc.
e. doesn't know when she'll next see her husband.
f. I don't even know if they let her watch the news there, because they are
all oriented to their kids. My mother and father always watched all the news shows faithfully to keep up to date.
g. Talking to them is like "trying to get inside a bowling ball" to borrow an
expression from Ray Suarez.
h. i call to speak to her, and am never sure they'll let me. I don't even think they allow her to answer the phone!
i. one of her best friends was immediately alarmed that she had left without saying goodbye, a very intelligent woman.
j. Soon she will be examined by a doctor but she is so stressed out by all these events, that i'm afraid she won't be able to convince them she's as cognizant as she is because she feels that no one is being honest with her.
k. Where she is now, is full of loving kindness, but underneath this is a
deception, and my mother is sharp enough to question it, and they
never answer.
l. I'm supposed to go there and not rock the boat, but I feel that the deck is
stacked against her. I want her to be safe and the best for my Dad, but
i think there is a more gentle, open, and reasonable approach!!!!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (8 July 2008):
BTW,
The reason that I am responding is that my Mother was caring for my Dad at the age of 75, and it was all too much for her. I am 53 and my Dad was 77 last year when he passed away. My Mom never complained, but the strain on her was tremendous. A person in their 70's just doesn't have the capacity or the strength to do all the things that they did in their 50's, and although you may not see it as such, the inevitability of your siblings decision is because they are trying to protect your Dad's health.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (8 July 2008):
I have lost four family members to Alzheimer's in both mine and my husband's family, so I can understand how hard this is for you. You have my sympathies for everything that your family is going through. You did not say whether or not you have a family of your own. I suspect that you are the youngest and that you don't have dependents of your own. One thing that I can tell you about your siblings response is that it is probably based on their ability to care for other dependents and that they have probably done this to protect your Fathers health, first and foremost. Trying to care for an Alzheimer's patient 24/7 is a tough job even if you are hired, but if it's the love of your life and you are old and frail too, then it's a hard and emotionally draining job.
Perhaps you should try to talk with them and ask them the reasons why they feel that this was the best decision? I know that my sister-in-law didn't agree with our decision to remove my Mother-In-Laws driver's license, but she didn't really agree that she was in the early stages of the disease, either. The safety of the general public should always come first, the safety of the caregiver, and their health, should come second, and then, we should do our best to take care of the patient's needs and make sure that they are as comfortable as possible.
There WILL be an adjustment period for everyone, it isn't an easy adjustment at all, I'm afraid. The best thing that you can do right now, aside from discussing this with your siblings, is to watch out for your Dad, because you love him and because your Mom loves him. I know that he wants to hold her hand right now, because he is grieving for the past. But, Perhaps, He isn't strong enough anymore to take care of her and he is grieving THAT too. You need to closely examine all of this and rethink it. If He can't watch out for her anymore, then possibly, having you shoring up a false hope by not agreeing with your siblings decision, instead of taking the reigns and leading the way by trying to get her the help that she now needs, would be contributing to even more grief for him, Dear. Just a thought incase you need to go there.
I know how hard the transition can be, and with an Alzheimer's patient, they can be quite easy and manageable for years, and then change overnight for the worse. God Bless you and you family in this difficult time.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 I really feel for you. It is one of the worst things you can face as a daughter/son and watch a loved parent go through it.
My ex father in law has turned from a handsome, powerful man into a shell of his former self and my daughter, his only granddaughter has taken it very badly, and of course it has had a profound effect on everyone involved.
I think you should call a family meeting and let them know what you can do for your mother. My ex mum in law was advised to put her husband into a home after he tried to hurt her thinking she was a burglar. She resisted and thanks to her persistence has had his medication changed. He is still not the man she married but his condition is now manageable and he is still at home. She has had the home remodelled to accomodate him, wet room in place of a bathroom as he strips off even to wee etc etc and with the support of ALL the family she is coping.
Its not about the money and who can provide what, its about what is best for your mum and if you are willing to be the one to do it at the moment then put your foot down and insist they listen to you. If it doesnt work out let them know you will respect their choices further down the line when it is more necessary. But right now you want to be there for her.
I wish you all the best x
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