A
female
age
51-59,
*ae1031
writes:I am not going to get into the initial problem so much only because it is the same as many on here, however it has gone to an extreem that is bringing me debiliting pain. It is impacting my ability to be a mother, concentrate at work or even feel like a human being. I stopped feeling like a woman about two years ago. It is the typical male having internet affairs, real affairs, walking out,comming back, begging for forgivness,making promises to prove he is sincere (not that I believe all men are this way, I only mean it is a typical senario) and the woman taking him back because she loves him and wants to beleive that he is sincere only to find that his behaviour reverts back in about a month or two. So why has this become so extreem with me, since I am cleary able to analyze the problem? Because I was enough of a fool to believe in him to the extent that I moved 3000 miles away from home with my two children and married him. It only took two months for me to catch him back on the porn sites and suddenly it was again, not his fault for doing it but my fault for looking and being a detective, this was about 2 years ago and he is yet to say he is sorry or show an ounce of remorse for bringing me here just to break promises and lie to me again. As a matter of fact he does not appear to remember the promises that he made at all and gets furious with me if I try to remind him. I do not think he is physically cheating on me, but I do believe he is still accessing porn sites and hiding it, I can tell because there has been obvious changes in the way he treats me during sex. I also think that he is hunting for an affair and has a target in site because of his cockey, I can take you or leave you attitude towards me. His behavior has become so abusive and disrespectful towards me since we moved here because he knows or at least thinks that there is nothing that I can do about it. The reason that he thinks this is probably because he can see that he has my sanity hanging by a thread and even though I tell him that I will leave, he knows I don't have the resources to do it. If I want for him to stay home, the rule is I am forbidden to speak unless everthing I say and do is in complete aggreeance with what he thinks, feels and wants. I am never, for any reason allowed to ask questions. And sometimes when I try to be strong and not react to his behavior that is intended to hurt me, he will be mean to my children (not necessarly abusive, I would have him arrested if he abused my children) just things like turing off all the lights in my little ones room and hallway when he knows she is affraid of the dark or telling my older daughter that she has too much make-up on and she looks like a slut, if she gets upset he will claim that he is only trying to be her friend and then he will try to make me feel as if he had to say something because he does not feel that I am capiable of making decisions about my own children (the two girls are mine and he has a son) he also makes me feel that I am not a good enough example of a woman for my girls and if my daughter needs and example of a "real woman" to look up to then the next time his sister visits from Pureto Rico, he will tell her to help. He only does this because he knows that I will defend my children and then he feels that gives him an excuse to justify being disrespectful and abusive towards me without having to feel guilty about it. He also demands that I respect his ex-wife, which I would do anyway for the well being of their son who lives exculsivly with us, but he goes beyond that. She lives too far away for them to be having an affair, but he has an obvious emotional bond with her that goes beyond a normal bond of two people who are divorced, but still have to cooperate for the sake of the children. He seems to be emotionally tied to her still and she takes advantage of that when ever she wants money, she knows that he will lie to me to get her whatever she is asking for to make her happy. He spends hours on the phone with her speaking in spanish, I don't speak spanish, but she is capiable of speaking and understanding English he chooses to concel what is being said and I am not allowed to ask, he will tell me what he wants for me to know. When she calls she will only spend about 5 mins on the phone with her son, who is 12 and capable of speaking for himself, if I coment on the fact that she spends more time talking to my husband then her son, then he will defend her. Even though he claims that his marriage with her broke up when she cheated on him while he was in Iraq and told him on fathers day that she no longer wanted to be married to him, he still seems to idealize her and he has done things like continued to pay her car insurance and lie to me about it, or makes comments on how she always had a home cooked meal on the table when he got home from work and sometimes he has to wait for his meals from me. This is only because his meals must be cooked from scratch anything out of a box is unacceptable, she did not work at all, I work full time 10 hours a day with an hour drive each way. He leaves after me and gets home before me, but still belittles me for not haveing his meal prepard when he gets here even though I am not even home from work yet. He also belittles me by constantly bragging about how is ex-wife kept the house so clean and neat and how she was always dressed so perfectly with her nails and hair always done, but again she did not work and had all day to clean a small apartment that they lived in, she only had one child to care for and for 6 months out of the year he was sent to Puerto Rico to stay with his grandparents. This morning, my husband told me that he spends so much time talking to his ex-wife because she is a better friend to him then I am. That was a knife through my heart like no other, this is the women that he spent the first six months of our relationship talking non-stop about how bad she had hurt him while I patiently sat and listend. I held his hand and wiped his tears until he got over it and then I showed him him love that he could trust in and feel safe again. He acts as if it is ok to say these things to me and does not understand how or why I would get upset. I work full time, we have 3 children and a lage house. If the house is nice and clean, my husband feels it is because of our combined efforts, if the house is messy then it is my fault alone because I am a bad wife. He spends 80% of his time on the weekends in the garage and claims he is cleaning it and because of this he feels he is making a major contribution to the house work. We have a one car garage that we use for storage therefore it does not really matter too much if it is clean or not, yet he has been cleaning and orginizing it every weekend for the past six months. He feels I should be able to handle keeping the other 9 rooms in the house clean on my own in between working, caring for the children and doing all the cooking and laundary. I am in so much pain, I feel like a trapped animal and I can not excape it. Please I need help so bad, but everything I read and everyone that gives me advise does not understand that it is not practial for my situtation. Please understand that I truly appreciate everone who has just taken the time to listen to me because it is so much more then my husband would ever do, so it is not that I am being ungrateful for advise that has been offered, it is just that I am so desperate for some kind of releif from this tourturous hell that I am living in. I am hoping and preying that somebody out there can do more then just sympathize with me or give me typical advise that is offered in most articals because it just don't work for me. I can not bear this pain for one more day.1. ) Just leave him - I am 3000 miles from everything and everybody that I know. I have two children of my own and he has one. Both of our paychecks go into the same bank account and it is what keeps a roof over all of our heads and food in our stomachs. I can not just leave because I don't have money to move or survive on my own with my kids right now. I can not pull my check out of the account because then we will all be homeless.2.) Just try talking to him and telling him how you feel - He does not talk to me, he talks at me. As long as I am there for him and agree with everything he says and does and never, every ask any questions or try in any way shape or form to display my feelings we are fine. If I attempt to speak to him about anything that matters to me such as how I feel about his past cheating, porn activites or his current disrespectful behavior towards me, he immeditally takes the defense, tells me that I am holding things over his, tries to make me feel guilty for even brining it up, twist my words, becomes sarcastic, cuts me off before I can get a sentance out and if I continue to try to speak he will walk away. I will then be completely ignored for days even weeks at at time. If I try to break the unbearable tension and lonliness that this brings to me, by talking to him he will tell me to f-off, leave him the f-alone and if I get upset about this disrespect he will then tell me that it is all my fault for acting the way that I do (getting upset). If our children walk in the room and wittness me crying or raising my voice out of frustration, he will tell me that I am a bad mother. If I continue to try to speak to him he will tell me that I am a sick, twisted, physco and I need to get help. I will be the first to admit and agree with him that children should never, for any reason wittness their parents argueing and I try my best to keep this from happening. Please before you peg me as a bad mother too, understand that what I am dealing with is not just mental abuse, it is debilitating mental tourchure. I want nothing more, but for this to stop for the love of my children, but I don't know how to deal with not only being abused and disrespected to begin with, but then being blamed for it and told that I am only upset because I want to be upset.3.) Try counceling - I did get him to go to counceling one time and it appeared to help for a few weeks, but I think he felt let down by it because he thought that we were going to fix me. To teach me how to try harder to please him, never ask questions, speak only when spoken too and accept the way he treats me with a smile on my face no matter how it really makes me feel. He did not say all of that, but each time the councelor asked him questions such as, what do you think you could do to make your wife a happier person, he would wind up giving an answer like, "I like (speaking of himself) golfing, going to the movies and stuff like that, I think it is pretty cool that she is willing to try stuff that I like, sometimes I go out of my way to make time to do these things with her." First of all he was lying, he would never go out of his way to do anything on my behalf, secondly his list only consisted of things that he likes doing and has once or twice in that past allowed me to join him in. His answer was selfish and had nothing to do with me and my happiness at all. I would say that I don't even think he knows what it would take for me to feel happiness in this marriage or even in my life again and I would probably feel better if he really didn't know because then there would be hope, but he knew excatly how to act and what it took to make me happy when we were split up and he wanted me back, so the fact of the matter is that he knows what it takes, he just does not care and does not feel that he should have to make the effort. So basically counceling does not work because he just tries to "play" the councelor.Ok, sorry so long, but my point is I need help bad. I am risking my sanity and the well being of the children if I stay, but I am in no position to leave. There is no talking about it with him - there is no talking about anything to him anymore. Counceling only works if both people are interested in making things better, he appears to be prefectly happy with the way things are and feels the only nescessary change that is needed is for me to try harder to concel my feelings and keep him happy. I don't know how to cope, I have tried it all, please I need advise that I can act on to make things better on my own weather he is willing to perticipate or not. Oh yea, I have tried counceling on my own, her advice was - Try talking to him about your feelings, try some marriage counceling, just leave him. If anybody out there has a different answer, please help me this is unbearable for me and my children. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Rae1031 +, writes (26 January 2009):
Rae1031 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone who took the time to read what I had to say and gave me the advice that I needed. I found all of your advise very helpful and it has diffently opened my mind to options that have always been there for me, but perhaps I did not want to see. I have been so obsessed with getting him to "open his eyes" and "see the light" so that he could understand why it is wrong to hurt me, that I did not realize that it is my eyes that have been closed. I do not need to do any further research on how or why he has abused me, what I need to do is start working on what I can do to put me and my children in a safer place, figure out why I allowed him to abuse me so I can rest assure it won't happen again and then begin to heal. Your suggestions have made me feel empowerd and have given me the motivation to stop worring about his problms and start working on me! Thank You All!
A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (25 January 2009):
 !. Set money aside and leave it with a trusted friend.
2. Give yourself a time frame, say 1 year till you leave.
3. Make copies of all important papers, deeds, registrations, bank account info, social security numbers, 401k's, addresses and leave them with a trusted friend
4. Keep the abuse and women's shelter hotline in your wallet, hidden, of course. In case you need to leave earlier.
5. Do not trust the ex he's in love with.
6. Try to improve yourself during this year - take a cooking class, or learn Spanish - but don't tell him.
7. Get your affairs in order
Good luck, and God Bless. You are not alone, my mom left a similar situation and moved to another country with her son.
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A
female
reader, Rae1031 +, writes (25 January 2009):
Rae1031 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, thank you so much for taking the time to read what I wrote, I know it was long. I can understand how it would seem that I am shooting down good advise by saying that I can not leave and your idea is a good one. I am not saying that I can not leave, I know that I am being abused and as much as it breaks my heart, I know that my children are suffering because of it. I know that there is not even a question of if I can or should leave, I am not torn between my love for my husband and the well being of our children. I hate him for doing this to us. Leaving is not a question but a necessity that I am very aware of. I have looked on Craigslist for roomates and there are a few females out there that have room for children some of them, I can even afford on my salary alone, so to look at it this way that seems like the answer. The only thing is, I have no car. My car would have never made the 3000 mile move so I had to give it up. My only transpertation to and from work is a car that is still in his and his ex-wife's name. Even if I was able to save up the money for the move and the down payment, I would immeditly lose my job because I would have no way to get there. Buses do not run where I work. There would also be the matter of gettng my daughter to daycare prior to going to work. The daycare does not open until 6, since I have to be at work by 6, I have to leave here by 4, meaning I am dependent on him to take her to daycare each day. After loosing my job due to lack of transpertation and no means of getting my daughter to a daycare even if there was one that opens at 4 am, I doubt that the women that took me in as a roomate would be kind enough to support me and my children. It would be the same deal with a domestic violance shelter, even though he is not physically abusive and I wound not be considered a priority, they may take us in on a temporary basis, but ultimitly, I would still lose my job and be stuck here, homesless and unable to provide for myself and my children. I can not go after him for child support because he is not their biological father, I have not spoken to their father in a year and I have no clue where he is, so he will be of no help to me either. Since we have only been married for less then a year it is very doubtful, even if I could come up with the money to take him to court, that he would be made to pay any alamony to me. Yes there is the matter of mental abuse, but saying it is one thing, proving it is another. A plan is great, but only if it does not have the potential to leave you in a worse situtation then what you started out in.I have thought this through, I do however have a plan. My plan is to slowly set money aside in small amounts that he is unlikly to notice and that I can make an excuse for if he does, such as we needed groceries. Once I have enough money saved up for 1 round trip and two one way tickets, I will fly a relitive out here to get my children and take them out of this situtation ASAP! I have already spoken to my family back home and they are very supportive and willing to help me, but they are not able to give me money to help speed the process. My family loves me and will do anything to help, but I come from a small and poor family so they are unable to help me financially. I must come up with the money on my own it is the only way. Once my children are out of here and safe back home, his abuse will not affect me as badly because I will not longer have to take the blunt of it as a means of protecting my children. I will tell him that it was my family that paid for the childern to to go back home, just for a visit because they missed them so he will not suspect anything. I have even considered calling his ex-wife to see if I can make arrangements with her to get her son out of here, since I fear that my husbands aggravations will be taken out on him once we are gone, but I am equally afarid that she will tell him. I have tried to confide in her before and she immeditly stabb me in the back, so I know she can not be trusted. I am torn on that, I love my step son and fear for his well being also. I have also talked to some of my friends from back home about helping to find employment, so I will not be such a burden on my family once I get there. The only thing left to do at that point would be to save up enough money to rent a moving truck and a probably somebody to help me move my stuff into it. It will have to be quickly while he is at work so that he will not make any attempts to stop me. As cruel as he is, if he wanted me to leave he would have kicked me out the door by now, so I know he will try to stop me. The only other thing I will need to make sure of is that I have enough money to stop, rest and eat on the way home since it is a 4 day trip. I have calculated this and it will take me about 3-4 months to get my children out of here and about 1-2 more for me to excape. So, my question is not so much about if or how I should leave, it is more about what is the best way to cope with this until I am able to safely get my children and myself out of this very bad situtation that I have gotten us into.
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A
female
reader, bellavita  +, writes (24 January 2009):
i have read all your problem i 100 per cent understand what you are talking about i have also moved to to homeland of my partner here in italy the only difference it seems to me that you do actually love this guy and you want him to love you back with the same repect that you are working hard to give him. maybe this seems like a silly answer.... forget just for now about him and think about you how do you look how do you feel about your style.. go out shopping with your two daughters have a girlie day give your self a make over do your nails and hair find some new flattering casual clothes for normal day wear to lift your own spirits slightley if u like it alot youll feel great and stronger ready he obviously really facied how you looked at one point or he wouldnt have stayed with you in the first place. perhaps he will love what he see too and notice u more....men are very visual they dont think much emotionaly u know. or perhaps he might even wonder why ur making more effort to your appearance and wonder secretly why get a bit jealos. but as another woman told me in answer to my problem u are more than a cleaner and u do have an oppinion... first u truley need to weigh up your life with this man is it worth it or should you plan your exit. anyway i am not so good at advice giving thats why my problem to is on here i think we have so much in common. more advice on a lighter note stay clear of foriegn men well at leaast dont go with them to their turf keep them on yours if i get away from my man one day thats my advice to me anyway i hope u find the help u need. ps i love spain
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): First, I understand that you have valid reasons for not leaving. Second, you need to understand that your relationship is abusive and that despite your reasons, you need to find an advocate, a friend and make a plan to leave. That plan can be to find a domestic violence center; if he has never hit you or threatened you with physical violence, then that plan can be to redirect what money you have --go on craiglist, find a woman who's looking for a roommate and wouldn't mind kids, for example. Stop saying you cannot leave. You can. You have reasons you won't. Otherwise, you are going to stay. I think adults have the right to stay in any relationship they want to -even unhealthy ones. I have been there. But you are making a choice for your children as well, and they should grow up with stability and love from you. Try to set aside all of your relationship drama and focus on the one thing you have admitted: You are now failing your children.
So long as you shoot down every point of advice, you will have no help. No one is going to be able to tell you a magical thing to get him to change. You can't change him.
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