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female
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*ustsad
writes: I know this question was recently asked, but my boyfriend of almost 4 years has a very low sex drive and he is only 32. We have sex about an average of once a month. We have talked about this for a couple of years now, with no improvements. There is honestly not one other problem with this relationship. I love him dearly, but he refuses to get help and I don't know if I can stand it any longer. I am losing my head and am almost tempted to start cheating on him. What do I do?
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female
reader, girlplay +, writes (27 October 2005):
Dear Justsad,
Wow, I share your frustration and pain. I also went through this same thing. I know it really stinks. You have been together almost 4 years, and you haven't cheated yet? Well, then you must really love him, so leaving must be the last thing you would like to do about the situation.
My fiance is a banker, for the first 6 months of our relationship, all was great. Fancy dinners, great sex, love at first sight. It slowly started fading to sex once a week, then finally to once a month, sometimes even less. Testosterone supplements didn't work either! He is 36 years old, I am 34 and in my prime! I love him very much, but I felt like my needs were not being met. I am a very smart, and attractive nurse. I got hit on all the time, but I never slept with anyone else.( I DID however go to the occasional lucheon date, obviously I was attention deprived)
No matter how seductive I looked at bedtime, he would only complain of the stress at work, and ask me to hold him, and rub his back. Can you believe I did? Well, I loved him, but I am a sex fiend, and knew that we could not carry on like that forever. I thought I met the love of my life, he was sweet, caring, but no sex! Okay, after all of this chit chatting, I will tell you what works, and what NOT to do:
Don't beg him for sex.
DON'T tell him he's acting like the woman and you feel like the man. (I tried that, believe me it only makes things worse!)
Don't constantly pester him about his problem, (he'll only want to have sex even less!!)
Don't think that its you, because its not.
DO take a vacation together alone. (The time away does wonders for rejuvination and sex!)
Do wear form fitting clothes. Not trashy, just classy, sexy.
Do exuberate your own self confidence. You are hot, know the part.
DO let him know how great you think he is in bed, and how much he turns you on in general.
DO let him know that you will need to be first in his life, you are special, loveable and damn important, so he should not choose to put every energy into his career, or else he will get old, and wonder where the hell his life went, then he will decide to call you, and you will be long married to someone else. And needless to say, having great sex everyday, if not more!
Oh, a couple more pieces of ending advice:
Begin to flirt with him again.
Around the house to clean, where short shorts and a tank top, and put on some make up and do your hair. Don't let him know that you are trying to get his attention, just know that YES, you do have it going on.
If all else fails, you may have to get it somewhere else.
Let me know if this helped you in any way.
A
female
reader, lizzie +, writes (19 October 2005):
Don't do it .... don't marry him - unless you're not interested in sex either ... but then you wouldn't be posting this if you were. I was in the same situation 12 years ago -- but I got married because I loved him despite the lack of sex. It turned out he had low testosterone and despite treatment things never got any better. Eventually the lack of physical intimacy erodes the emotional intimacy . I'm in the process of separation and for many years I longed for someone other than my family to give me a hug. Good luck with your life
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (19 October 2005):
 If he refuses to get help, if he won't consider a compromise whereby he at least pleasures you on a regular basis without you needing to pressurise him for sex, if he won't listen to you seriously when you tell him how you feel, then you have two options remaining;
1. Accept he will never change and this is the way it will always be; a sacrifice you will have to make in order to be with him.
2. Leave him because you may wish for more intimacy and the thought of going without that intimacy leaves you feeling not only deprived but upset because of what you are missing.
The problem here is that your relationship has some almost platonic qualities to it and though sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, it is still very important. As you know, sex is about not only physical satisfaction but closeness and a way of expressing how you feel for each other.
Cheating on him would only lead to heartbreak, no matter how understandable and though I may sound somewhat feministic when I say this; some men have cheated for less. But think about the repercussions of such actions.
You are entitled to excitement and feeling wanted.
If he really won't do anything about it (which could be considered as rather selfish on his part-he is lucky you have remained with him in some ways) then you need to seriously think about either staying or going.
I hope this helps.
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