A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel like Im a very simple creature. I just want sex, food, affection, and some nice things said to me every once in a while. My gf, she's more complicated. I literally don't know what she wants. One moment she's happy, the next she's sad, and most of the time I don't know why. The only thing I know for a fact is that she wants to get married. And while I never say no, I never say yes. Because I don't see how I benefit from getting married with her. It sounds like a trap that will leave me unhappy, and probably broker after a divorce. I follow my instincts. When we first met, the first couple of years was perfect, which is why were still together now. We literally didn't argue for the first 4 years, not even once. At the same time, we both worked a lot, so we only saw each other a few times a week, mostly to have sex. Everything was perfect. I'd come over and she was just so full of love, and passion, she just wanted to please me and make me happy. And this in turn made me feel the same way. I just wanted to make her happy. It was reciprocal. Guys, I can't stress enough how perfect it was. She treated me like a king, so I treated her like a queen. There was mutual respect, no fights, just love, affection, and great great sex. It's like we were made for each other by god himself. But I broke up with her to go back with my ex, something which I admit was stupid, my ex is a psychopath who is 15 years older than me, and knew how to play with my head, and that didnt work out, and we ended up getting back together a few months ago. We were broken up for about 18 months and I admit that broker her heart, which I feel awful for, because if theres one female who did not deserve that it was her. She's an amazing women, hard working, whose raised herself above many obstacles, independently, and I truly have admiration for her. In a way, she's still mad at me for that. But at the same time, the worst thing I ever did to her was leave. We literally had no problems, a perfect relationship. We NEVER fought. It was all love! For 4 strong years strong. Were actually living together now and spending more time than before. But she's completely different. She constantly complains and is insecure. She doesn't worry about my sexual needs, and seems quite selfish. It's nothing like before. And she constantly worries about what she wants and how she can manipulate me to get what she wants. She claims thats her job. It seems like everything is about money now, even though I understand she's going through wave in life, and everybody deserves a chance to be down here and there. But still, she's Nothing like the girl I remembered. She never messed with any other guys while we were broken up and she only had sex once before we met, she was damn near a virgin. She claims its because I broke her heart, but I think is because of all the crazy tv show's she watches. She loves Love and Hip Hop now, and anything about forensics, usually a wife killing a husband or vice versa. That's literally the only show's she watches. She claims its because I broker her heart, but I think it's because of this new culture she's picked up by watching TV. She says she's not easily influenced by I think it's called television programming for a reason. She imitates all these selfish women and acts just like them but thinks she's not being influenced. And while I admit to not being perfect, she says herself, the only thing I ever did wrong was break her heart by leaving. Besides that she really has no problems with me either. Im a simple guy, basically Im a hermit who prefers to be in a relationship. I own my own business since I was 19, a school, that's actually how we originally met, she was one of my students. Im 26 now. I go to work, I come home, I eat, and if she doesn't cook for me I cook for myself and don't complain. I pay 70% of the bills in the house, and I prefer peace over drama. The only thing I ask for is sex, and If she's tired from work and school I don't even ask for that, I just please myself because I can tell when she's tired and I understand. She's a great girl, I literally don't understand the transformation. Career wise, we fit together pretty snuggly. She want's to teach, what my school focuses on now, but I wouldn't dare have her work for me unless I know the relationship is going right. I just don't understand why she doesn't prefer how things were before rather than all this chaos? And her biggest thing is she wants to get married. Supposedly things will get better if we get married because she's saving her good side for her husband. I don't believe that shit. To me it has to be right before we get married or we not getting married. And I refuse to settle. I want my original relationship or I rather just be by myself. Im cool with that. Sorry guy's, I know it's long winded and I have no specific questions. I just want your general advice about how should I handle the situation. Should I break up? Stay together? Get married? Block love and hip hop? What should I do about this situation?
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broke up, divorce, insecure, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2018): I know what's wrong with her as I am current feeling depressed sad and insecure and low self esteem as my boyfriends been with me for 3 years and hasn't even proposed or anything and I really want it to happen so I suggest you... if you want things to go back to how they were, find a ring, get a romantic idea together and give her the greatest romantic proposal ever. I guarantee after this she will be so happy and problem will be solved, if not then she will probably follow my way of thoughts I'm going to be distancing and dumping mine soon due to many other things too.
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (31 July 2018):
 Firstly well done to Wise Owl for exposing to you the sheer horror of what you did to her- you obviously dont have the capacity to understand how such a brutal destructive thing affects someone who loves you!
All I can add is that if you truly loved her you would be thinking of HER not yourself.. you don't seem worried about her welfare at all! Why are you not concerned about her happiness and mental welfare, rather than just not getting sex and cooked meals??? Like that's something you're owed on any level!! Not in 2018 mate. It's all about YOU not getting what YOU WANT. And you don't have the FIRST CLUE of what she wants or FEELS, because it hasn't occured to you to think about HER.
People make mistakes. But what you did and expecting little consequences is beyond comprehension for me.. the bottom line is that perfect strangers on this website are more concerned about her than you!
You're a dickhead mate. Please let her go she deserves SO MUCH BETTER. Don't you want the best for her? Prove it rather than hiding behind your piss poor excuses like a child. You don't have anyone convinced you care about her in the same way you care about yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): I didn't have to read much past the first part of your post to understand what you are.I had an abusive ex who said just the same stuff as you:'I'm simple, I don't want much, why do you have a problem, you're always making problems'.When in reality he hurt me over and over and....just like you, he pretended he couldn't see what the problem was.Come on, you're not that stupid. As I said, I know exactly what you are. And I wager anything you like, that you know exactly what her problem is. And that thinking that she has been influenced by some television show, is insulting to her,, especially when you KNOW that YOU are the problem. You especially let your mind set slip when you asked, 'Should I block her TV show?' That just shows how you think and feel about other people. That you are entitled enough to control what she watches. And that it is fine to blame HER for being hurt when you did something inexcusable. As I said I know what you are. I can recognise the mind set of an abusive man miles away.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 July 2018):
 Wow! Just wow! We read many posts on this forum but still, once in a while there is one which leaves you just saying "wow" and shaking your head in disbelief.
My advice? Let the poor girl go. She deserves so much better than you. If she was posting, I would tell her she made a big mistake going back to you. She knows you can (and probably will) dump her, despite everything being "perfect" so it is little wonder she is insecure now. She needs to understand that a ring on her finger and a marriage certificate will not prevent you dumping her again. She may FEEL she would be more secure if you were married but I can almost guarantee you all the old insecurities will creep back in and she will eventually realize that the same can happen again.
YOU ruined the relationship, my friend. YOU broke her heart by going back to someone you describe as a psychopath. I am sure she isn't really a psychopath but I am equally sure it makes YOU feel better to describe her as such. What guarantee does your girlfriend have you won't keep going back to your ex? Your relationship was - by YOUR standards - "perfect", yet you still went back to your ex. For some reason you were still not happy, otherwise you would not have done it. Why should your girlfriend NOT feel insecure?
It's all well and good to glibly come out with BS like "it's not called television programming for nothing" in an attempt to divert blame away from yourself. (I too have seen the social media posts.) And NO, you can't "block" the programmes she immerses herself in to take her mind off her hurt. You are (supposedly) her boyfriend, not her guardian.
I am sure you must have your good qualities but, based on your post (so, your description of yourself in your own words - nobody else to blame), I would advise your girlfriend to run a mile. You have a huge ego and an even bigger sense of entitlement. You are horrendously selfish and rigid in your views. You refuse to shoulder blame for anything you do. That is NOT a good basis for a long term relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): "I refuse to settle. I want my original relationship" - tough; you ruined it when you walked away. YOU are the reason she's changed around you, not TV shows. You sound like a selfish boyfriend. What about HER needs?
You'll cook for yourself if she doesn't cook for you? Good, you're a grown man. When do you cook for her?
You don't ask for sex if she's tired? Damn right. How often do you offer her a massage or run her a bath to help her relax?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): I'll start by saying you're at a critical-period in a relationship. That runs between 3-5, up to, the seventh-year mark. After that, there's not much hope, if it comes-apart. That's the period when people decide it's time to consider marriage; and establish a more committed and official-relationship. That time-span is when women start to be concerned about their biological-clock. They are in their prime-years for fertility and childbirth. After the first 3 years, they are usually wondering if you feel secure within the relationship? Enough to move to the next step.
They wonder if they are wasting their best years; or if the love is really true? They question your level of maturity and the depth of your commitment. They see all their friends and relatives their age getting married. Having children.
You made the biggest mess of it that anyone can make! First you dodged marriage; then you go back to some old ex. Then talk about how "simple" you are. You said it! You comeback with your tail between your legs...and wonder why she's different?!! Seriously?!!
You broke her heart! How many times does she have to tell you that!!! YOU BROKE HER HEART!
You are correct that she's influenced by the media; and it is likely the TV kept her company, while she anguished over your dumping her. Mostly it's YOU!!! Then to rub salt in the wound, you go back to some woman 15 years older than you. It's one thing to upgrade; but to go back to some past relationship that failed, over one that was flourishing??? I'm not making reference to her age; but the woman is far above your maturity-level. I reiterate, that relationship was a failure! Now you're back?
You tore her world apart. Now you return, and just want to pickup where you left-off. You still don't want to marry her; and if you do, I can only speculate that it would be under duress. It's not in your heart to do so. She was in-love with you, and you messed her head-up. Now you see the aftermath. The result of your immaturity and selfishness.
Your over-sized sense of entitlement!
No sir, it will never be the same again! You ruined it! I do not recommend that you marry her as some sort of noble consolation, to make it up to her. It's not rooted or established in your heart; and you're too commitment-phobic to make a marriage work. You will become resentful and restless. You will always remind her you only did it to make her happy. You've lost her trust, anyway. So your plug no longer fits that port.
Trust is the most difficult thing to regain once you've lost it. Depending on how deeply-scarred she is; that could take years, if it will ever happen at all.
Asking someone you've dumped for another person to forgive you, takes a lot of shameless audacity! A tremendous amount of nerve or chutzpah. Then adding insult to injury, all you care about is good sex. You just want sex when you want it, unconditional-love; and submissive peace and quiet, with no further demands on yourself.
I can't tell you how you can handle it. I could tell her how she should handle it. She should leave you; rather than torture you, and herself! I'd have hope for salvageability; if you had the right mindset. If you seemed truly remorseful. You don't seem to grasp the magnitude of the situation.
FYI, some people don't have the capacity for full or immediate forgiveness. It depends on their personality; and how much emotional-trauma and/or psychological-damage they were subjected to. You killed a four-year happy relationship, to run like a scared-boy! Then you went back to an ex! Even worse than all this; you don't seem to have the slightest-clue about the mess you've made. You have no sense of compassion or remorse. You just want to turn-back the clock; as if nothing ever happened! Welcome to the world of adulthood and reality, my friend!
Most reconciliations do not succeed. I never say never; because there are always exceptions to the rule. Nothing is truly written in stone about forgiveness. You just can't predict when, or if, it will happen. You reap what you sow!
I forgave someone I loved, after catching him in-bed having sex with someone else. I caught him in the act!!! Not to say I'll ever forgive anybody else for that; but that's how deep my love was, and how forgiving I could be. He made it up to me, and then some. I loved him to the end. He died of cancer. I never regretted my forgiveness. Ask if I'd do that now, with my present relationship? I don't think so. He's so deep in my heart, and I trust him so much; betrayal would destroy every particle of trust I have for him.
I would forgive him; but I would leave him. We have that understanding. I'm not even worried. We're mature, trusting, and I will not break his heart. He has been way too good to me. He was cheated-on several times by his exes; yet he forgave them. He is a wonderful man; which is why I hold him to a higher-standard. I hold myself to the same standard, for his sake. I value his trust, and cherish his love that much. It takes much maturity and experience to reach this point. This level of trust.
Don't expect her to get-over what you did overnight. It takes a lot of gumption to come strolling back into someone's life after you dumped them for somebody else...not just anybody else, an ex!!! That makes her wonder if you ever truly loved her? You traded-down, not up! So you not only stomped on her heart, you squashed her self-esteem!
It's like you slammed her hard against the wall...that's what being blindsided feels like! I've been there!
Try as hard has you can to earn her forgiveness, trust, and your redemption. I don't recommend marriage; because you don't love her enough to do that. Stop finding fault in her behavior; own your responsibility for your actions, and accept some fault yourself. You don't hurt people like that, and just decide they should just get-over it. Just like that! You need to grow-up!
I know I've been really tough on you! It's tough-love. I'm giving you some fatherly-advice. I'm knocking some real sense into you; because you don't seem to get it. You're not a bad-guy; but what you did to her was the absolute worse! I want you to fully understand that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2018): All about what YOU want and top of the list is sex. You honestly think after doing what she did she would come back to you the same person?
I think she is trying to keep hold of you when truth is it will not go back to what it was, you broke her trust, broke her heart and she hasn't got over that, has grown up somewhat and has taken you back because you was her first love. But she probably does love you or she wouldn't be back with you.
If your heart isn't in it and all you care about is what she can do to fulfil your needs let her go because she deserves to be loved in return. You indicate you feel bad, made your excuses but really if your relationship was as great as what you said it was you would never have left her if you truly loved her.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 July 2018):
 You should break up with her. If you broke up with her when everything was perfect, there will be more reasons to break up or to divorce when you got married. I don't think even a marriage certificate would mend her broken heart. She is on a mission to hurt you back by withholding love. I don't know what love and hip hop is, but I can sense her becoming hardened. I don't believe everything was perfect if you had the temptation to go back to your ex.
You don't believe the transformation? So you suppose everything just goes back to normal after an 18 month break? She did not forgive you. She just wants to show that she wins at the end. Getting married is pay back. Manipulating you to do what she wants is pay back. This is not the right mind set to get married.
Not arguing at all is not necessarily a sign of a healthy relationship. It could mean that one person is pretending everything is okay, and bottling things up. It could mean passive aggressiveness when dealing with problems. I don't think Love and Hip Hop causes sexual impotence. She lost that loving feeling for you. Forgiveness is a personal choice. She does not have to but she should not force herself to stay in a relationship if she couldn't.
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