A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help. Last February, I was assigned to this high level project at work. I met a young executive from another company who's one of the prime movers of the project. Since the start, we share the same energy and outlook. We seem to have this strong chemistry between us that several people have commented about it already. The thing is, I'm still in a relationship. My current partner and I have been together for the last seven years and for the last three years, we've been trying to work things out. He can't commit further to me and it has been killing me silently. We've grown apart and it has been more of a convenience living together.I work long hours and I'm very driven and ambitious, something that I share with this guy from work. He's the same. So I really don't mind it when he calls, texts or emails me about work even very late at night or during weekends and holidays. He's technically one of the big bosses but we're not from the same company. We see each other maybe once, twice a week for work. He calls me almost every day for about two months now. And he's now my number one text message sender. I'm not the one who initiates the calls or conversations. Most often, he will call me after work, when he reaches home, mostly past 11PM or so. It has become some shared practice between us. He will call to ask something about work but i feel strongly that he uses it as an excuse. We mostly talk about work but for the past month, we've been asking each other how we are, how the day went. We tease each other a lot and modestly flirt via email or text. We call each other names. He's Mr. Stark and he calls me Pepper. We don't talk about anything inappropriate. He knows i have a boyfriend but he doesn't ask questions about my relationship. He's single and considered as a very eligible bachelor in our crowd because of his high achievements. When we see each other for work, I'm usually more reserved and very work-oriented. We would catch each other's glances a lot. I feel it when he looks at me. In all our events, photos will show us together, near each other and always so happy, i've been very careful not to include our photos in the official event photos because I think people will see it. Here's the thing. he makes me very happy. It's silly but I haven't felt this good with a man ever. I've been drawn to the tormented, confused types - maybe part of my personality that wants to fix up things including men. But this guy is much more accomplished, confident and driven than I am and he makes me so proud. He's very appreciative. He always acknowledges me as his "real boss" and he genuinely listens and cares about my opinions. He trusts me with confidences about work and how he feels about work. He reaches out to me when we're together. Several times, he has driven me home or back to work. He also hugs me after events when we're just alone together afterwards. I think i make him happy too. We've come to a point now that we don't talk about our personal feelings but I strongly sense that we both know that we like each other very much. His presence is very comforting. Meanwhile, my current partner seems to ignore this. He knows this other guy from work calls me but he seems not to care. I don't hide from him, by the way when this other guy calls but of course, he hasn't seen the text messages. While there's nothing inappropriate, they are really thoughtful and caring. i feel the end is near for my current relationship, i just need to gather the strength to do what my heart tells me. Meanwhile, i'm also afraid that this thing with this guy from work will progress because it can complicate our careers. What should I do to not mess all of this up? Maybe I should just be single and work my ass off for myself. :(
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 I think your last statement summed it up nicely. Perhaps if you quietly leave your boyfriend and move into your own space you would be better off all the way around. But I wouldn't mention this to Mr. Stark just yet. Let it be known very casually. One night when he drops you off, you simply give him a different address. When asks about it, make a minimal statement. "I am no longer with my b/f" and say nothing more. Absolutely nothing more. He has to make the next move and believe me if he's interested in you, he will connect the dots pretty quick and thinks will continue to go on between you, perhaps even getting closer. But be prepared also for the opposite to occur. You are "safe" to him. Many guys with committment issues align themselves with a woman who is attached. Because there's no pressure to advance the relationship since the woman is tethered to another man. The other guy is free to flirt, have lunch with you, call and text you; do everything but come clean about his feelings. And then when he realizes you are suddenly "single" he runs the other way. I've seen it time and time again among my single friends. The thing you have to remember is to keep everything the same between you and Mr. Stark. You cannot act like anything in your personal life has changed. This will create a safety net for him. Once he discovers you're not tethered to your b/f and you haven't begun to pressure him, or drop hints that you'd like "more" he may take the lead without any prompting. If he disappears then you'll know it was just smoke and mirrors. Be professional no matter what. And remind yourself, your relationship with your b/f had already grown stale and had hit its shelf-life.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 April 2012):
 I think you know deep down that your current relationship is over, maybe this other man has made you see that or maybe you have knowing for a long time but you just didn't want to accept it. I guess the best thing that you can do for yourself is to finish with your current boyfriend and just concentrate on getting your life back on track. Don't expect anything to happen with this other man, just concentrate on your work. If something does happen then so be it but give yourself some time to be single first and to get used to being without your partner. After that if something happens with this other man then there is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I know you are worried that it might effect your work but I am sure the both of you could get by that and who knows it might be just what you need. Good luck.
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