A
male
age
30-35,
*aptainh
writes:I am in my last year of school. deep down, I know I can be a confident person. I want to be a confident person from the great deal of positive affirmation I've recieved from others.I have not found being confident with people easy for the most part to be able to show people this. I have not had the confidence to approach people alot of the time, and through this have made myself a difficult person to approach. I am always unsure of whether people like me or not because of this. I think a lot of people see me as a nice enough bloke, but someone who is a bit awkward to be around, especially girls. All I want to do is show some of these people that I'm not a loner, that I'm not weird, that I am confident, that I do genuinely want to talk to them. A lot of my confidence is lost through other people making fun of me just because I was out at a club or I was talking to a girl, they find it easy to target/embarrass me. they are not having a go at me, they just know that I don't quite know how to react. sometimes I wonder if people take me seriously or not. I'm trying to just get over what people think of me and not worry about what they say or read to much into their body language. For example, I have not had the courage to even ask a girl to do something on the weekend, or even mates from school (for a long time at least).I don't want to be the kid who hides in his shell, because I know have so much more to show of myself. I am sick and tired of settling for less than my best.
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male
reader, captainh +, writes (25 April 2012):
captainh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your advice. I appreciate it greatly. Both really helpful answers. cheers.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (24 April 2012):
 Sometimes to get from one point to the next point in your life you may need to take some side steps and zig-zag to reach your goals. Life is never that easy that you can be who you want to be and achieve what you want in just a few short steps. It takes time to add little goals here and little goals there to get to where (eventually) you want to be.
Where do you want to be in six months time. Achieving what?
Where in two years time?
And where in five years time.
If you know where you want to be you can start evolving and identifying some goals you need to achieve to get there. What new skills you need to learn or improve.
By having some identified goals you are less likely to get sidetracked or distracted along the way.
Try not to resist change. Try not to look for and identify reasons why you cannot try new things. That will derail you. There are losers in this world who would rather argue for 30 minutes on why they would never be able to do something that you take them two minutes to learn and the same to do and - in the process - they would learn a new skill.
Over analysing why you cannot try something new helps no one. especially not you. Because the actual aim of trying NEW things is to demonstrate that you can and shake up your beliefs that you cannot tackle and achieve NEW goals. And it is demolishing your FEAR that you cannot try new things and cannot do well. You CAN do well and get even BETTER with time
First you can try small steps to prove to you that you can try new things and do new things and survive and thrive. And yes I did do this a few years ago. I needed it when I have endured too many set backs and was starting to doubt me.
1. Write down the five best skills/qualities/attributes/talents you have NOW. I know you might not be able to think of five. Be happy I did not ask for your best ten. No qualifying. Just the Best.
2. No, do not list your so called worst points. I bet you could write out 50 things. well you do not need to write that list.
3. Resolve to do some things that are inexpensive, achieveable, safe, legal and fun, but you have never done those things, been to those places. Like what you say?
(a) try a fruit you have never eaten. Star-fruit anyone?
(b) try once a week to choose a new place to have your lunch. This is a solitary experience first to prove you can step out of your comfort zone. Be it a different park. A short bus route somewhere else.
(d) find places for lunch that you have not considered. Visit a museum or an art gallery for a 20 minutes and then sit outside and enjoy your lunch. You will feel uplifted when you return to your your usual activities.
(e) choose a new author - one you have never read - a well recommended one - and read it. (like some people you may not read often)
(f) once a month find a volunteer group that would be able to use yoru skills - young volunteers are in great demand. As your local Council for some suitable projects that need volunteers
(g) Listen to a style of music you have never listened to before. If you like style A then go the opposite and see what it feels like.
(h) Visit the nearest zoo or wildlife park - how long since you visited
(i) if you are at University you will find they have some great clubs where you can learn new skills like archery, fencing and variuous sport teams. Or have fascinating discussions. Always LISTEN more. You will learn more. people will feel comfortable with you and people will open up to you and you will build better relatioships with your peers.
Best wishes
Abella
What you are proving to yoruself is that you can plan and enjoy activities that allow you to be in control abd successfull complete these tasks.
Now you can reach out to others.
4. Approach your nearest Rostrum club. Young members are always welcome. It will scare you to bits, at first. Yes it is public speaking. and it will do you the world of good.
5. Do you play any particular sport or run or swim? If not start walking or running every morning. Get outside and you will meet other people in the park.
6. Do you have a hobby that you are passionate about? yes? No? Then you should start developing one. If you already have a hobby then join a group that is just as interested in that hobby as you. If you do not already have a hobby then start exploring one that suits you and your temperament and your skills. Then join a group of like minded people. Mixing with people who share a hobby is a great way to build friendships and respect.
7. Buy a copy (on line) of the "Ärt of Selfishness" Sounds incongruous. But often lack of confidence is because you are putting others before you.
You are just as good as any one. You are not inferior and you are not superior. You are OK.
8. Now some goal building.
Assemble a large board and start with a circle in the middle about the size of a cup. Then wider circles outside each circle starting from the middle to the far outside.
In the middle write the most difficult goal you can imagine. Now something less difficult in the next outer circle. Add in a picture of the goal.
When you reach the outer circle these will be the immediate easy goals.
As you reach each goal add a big gold star next to each achieved goal. Pretty soon you will see how much you are achiveing and it will verify that you are capable and an a person on the road to success.
And your public speaking skills will improve your confidence.
Mixing with Good people who volunteer will give you great feedback and make you feel good.
And along the way your confidence will improve. One of the things that girls love are interesting guys who have a LIFE and some skills and some interests. It gives you more chances to connect with a diverse range of girls. It gives you things to talk about. You are no longer the tongue tied guy who lacks confidence in yourself because you can see you meeting goals and learning new skils. And mixing with a diverse range of people.
Just staying home. Or lurking in the background while others steal all the fun does not help you. You need to first start living your life. Achieving your goals. Enjoying being with people with no pressure of connecting with girls or talking to strangers.
If you want to up-skill your knowledge of Body Language then look up Alan Pease. He is the guru on this.
People can and do change to change with how the world changes constantly. You can make some adjustments. You can Grow as a man by doing so. Evolve and change and occasionally put yourself to the test by trying new activities and going to new places. All legal, good, safe and things that make you a better person.
Pay attention to your personal presentation. A shower every day. you hair always clean. Preferably freshly washed at least every second day, minimum. use deoderant and clean your teeth twice a day, minimum. These things may be things you do every day. But just in case you don't then it's a reminder.
To earn some extra cash approach your neighbours to see if they will pay you for some odd jobs you may be able to do for them. Even walking their dogs. Walking with a dog in a Park is a guaranteed ckick magnet.
Challenge yourself. Accept that Change is the one constant that you will experience continuously throughout your life. Remain flexible in the face of change.
Most times people are not looking at what you are doing. They are thinking about how they are presenting. If you knew how little people think about the guy next to them you might be shocked. It can be a selfish world and the average person has one thing on their mind, and that is all about them, no one else.
So if you can focus on enjoying your time, but not focusing on how you are being perceived by others then you will enjoy a better experieence in life.
And when you talk to people start using open (not closed) questions. Not 40 questions. Just an occasiobal question.
But try using OPEN words, like:
'What made you decide to visit ......'
'When you started studying Glass Blowing where did you think this skill would take yo?'
'How did you manage to .....'
But never closed questions that can only get a yes or a no answer
So never:
Did you attend a city school?
Can you ride a bicycle?
Do you ever travel on the train?
At the adolescent stage we often think things move far too slowly or that we will never achieve this or that. No true. This is a time for you to lay down foundations to enjoy a wonderful life. Change for the better will happen
Best wishes
Abella
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 April 2012):
 You know yourself that people tease you because they no that it gets to you, that you are an easy target. You need to stop worrying about what others think of you. As long as you know that you are a good person that is all that should matter. Sit down and write out a list of goals you want to achieve to make yourself more outgoing and positive. Then tackle them one by one. Write them down so that you have something to aim for and just take your time with it. A little change every now and then will lead to becoming much more confident and outgoing. Maybe start by looking in to some clubs or societies that you can join where you can meet new people and ask them questions to get to know them. Just little steps at a time. Have a plan and you won't go far wrong with taking control of your life.
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