A
male
age
36-40,
Andy00
writes:Hello everybody, this is Andy00. And to all fans who like long articles, this one is a treat for you... Unfortunately, it's a true story.I have been on this site for about 7 months now. I have posted many, many questions over time, but this is my first article.I'd like to talk about my situation. As I have mentioned, I have posted many, many questions over the past 7 months, and you may be wondering why. So, here goes: I got my heart broken by a woman who lived on the other end of the country from me, and with that it brought a lot of confusion, pain and grief.I met her one night over a chatroom in December 2004, purely out of coincidence. From there, we spoke almost every evening without fail. At the time I met her, I didn't even consider a relationship with her, because at the time, I was persisting in a girl from my school who didn't want me. I remember even coming home one day and telling her about it. I obviously wasn't very good at taking hints (if of course she had given me any), so one day she had to simply reveal her feelings to me. I was a little taken back I suppose, but overall I was delighted, if not a little disappointed knowing how much distance their was between us. She lived 240 miles from me.Finally, after talking continuously for four months, the time came one day where I had to finally tell her I was in love with her. It was something I had never gotten to say to anybody before, and it meant so much to say it to her, AND to hear her reaction "Ohhhhhhh!!" She squealed, "I love you too!!". That moment will always stay with me I think. Not as much as the day that I plucked up enough courage to ask my parents if I could stay with her for a few days. Turns out, I worried for nothing at all, as they had no objections at all. Better yet was when she nervously went and asked her mum if I could come and stay for a few days, and the next time I saw her over the webcam, I saw her coming through her bedroom door with the biggest smile on her face. I was ecstatic.The big day finally came on the 10th of July 2005. I caught a train to her town, late morning and arrived there early evening. 4 and a half hours later, I was about to stand face to face with the girl I loved. I stepped off the train with all my bags, and looked around. I couldn't see her anywhere. Then finally, I looked down the platform, to see her leap up out of her chair, and come charging down the platform towards me. I quickly threw all my bags to the side, and before I knew it she was there, still running. She leapt into me, and kissed me there and then. For a few moments, we just couldn't talk. We simply stared at eachother. Finally we decided we should get a move on and get my things in the car. From there, I met her mum and her sister. When we got back to her house, me and her were surrounded by her sister most of the time, but a few hours later, we found ourselves with some time to ourselves in her room, and that enabled me to give away my first kiss to her.Six days later, it was back to reality. I was home, and missing her dearly. The same thing would happen every other time we met up, which was usually every 7 weeks for about a week or 2 at a time. We finally slept together on my second visit to her's, being our 3rd time together, overall. In the summer of 2006, we spent more time together than we'd ever had before. We spent most of it on her end of the country, where we went camping together for a week. It was a good trip. Just us two alone all the time, going for walks together. But I think my favorite part was sitting outside in our sleeping bags, watching The Young Ones on DVD. We watched both series of the show within those 5 days. We would also watch an entire series of Family Guy in the company of eachother, and this became pretty much a tradition. Late on that year, we tried to organize a holiday together, which was being paid for by my parents. The plan was for us two to go to Cuba together for two weeks alone, but her mum didn't like the idea. This caused a big argument between me and her, which we fortunately got through okay.So, we went on holiday together, but my family came with us. This was fine, it just meant we'd all go out for dinner every night and we wouldn't be able to do things just ourselves as often as we could have. On the plus side, we had our own room. Cuba was magical. We went there in late March - early April 2007, and had a fantastic time overall. The weather wasn't perfect, but enough to get a tan. One night, we both got a little drunk and decided to go to the beach for a "walk". That is a night that I will always remember.She wasn't short of holidays that year, because she had planned to go on holiday with her friends from school/college, since they would be split up that year in September by going to university. Uni was something we spoke about. We wondered if things would be different while she was there, since it meant we may see less of eachother. I wasn't concerned, and in the end we both seemed to have a "What will be will be" attitude. Unfortunately, things took a big turn nearing the time she was set to go on holiday.One night she called me, and asked if it would be okay if she shared a bed with her male friend she has known for 7 years. Now, this put me in a tough spot. I could either; say yes and worry for the next fortnight about whether anything silly would happen between them, e.g. they got drunk and came home together and things got playful. (It's possible, right?). Or I could say no and have her believe that I don't trust her, and that's what I did in the end. I tried to tell her that I trusted her, and I did! What I didn't trust was alcohol and her friend. She was very cold towards me for a few days. I finally asked what was wrong and she told me that she wasn't sure how she felt about us anymore and thought that she needed at change.I got the call on Monday the 25th of June. She listed the reasons; we've been having stupid fights lately, University is coming up and we're very young. All pretty valid reasons I suppose, but one thing that stayed with me was how none of those reasons were hers or my own fault. Later that week she flew off on holiday for 2 weeks. She contacted me while she was over there asking how I was, and I tried to be as civil and normal as I could. Then the day came: The 10th of July 2007. The 2nd anniversary of the day we met. I had to tell her how I felt. I said "I tell you this on this day every year and I don't want this one to be any exception; I love you. I love you so much. I want to sort things out when you come home." Her reply was an angry one, and it was painful to receive. I put it down to her feeling guilty for hurting me.For the coming months, I had no idea what to think. My summer was ruined. Earlier in the year the plan was for this summer to be even better than the last. But I was on my own. 11 weeks I had for summer break, and I did virtually nothing. My heart was broken, and I saw no future. No happy one anyway. I'd already booked a weekend off to go and visit her, so instead I decided to go on a surfing trip. A short time before that, she had tried to get us to talk again. But I struggled. I felt like I had to think about what I said, and my feelings for her hadn't left me in anyway. Finally I sent her a message that I didn't want us to talk for 6 months. While I went surfing I got a text from her, and it really annoyed me. When I got home, I realized my message hadn't sent! Typical!Contact was then on and off for a while. I'd not talk to her for about a month, and then I'd get a text from out of the blue. It would result in the same thing everytime. I would find something out about her life and then I'd run away, not wanting to know. Then, after no contact for about 2 months, I got a text out of the blue and she told me her father had died. I was shocked, and decided now was a time to comfort her. I did my best to comfort her at that time, after all, it wasn't long before Christmas. Then suddenly, I read that she was in a relationship with a guy she knew from college. I then realized I just couldn't do it, and so, even though she had just lost her dad, I ran away. The way I saw it was; she had a shoulder to cry on. He knew nothing about her family, whereas I knew her dad personally, and that was the decision she made.So, about a week ago she contacted me again. This time I'm really trying to be her friend... But I'm still finding it tough. I've been in a very short relationship since her, and it's a shame I'm not in it now, because it might have made talking to her much more easier. Recently she's been talking about how she is desperate to get herself a new guy, and while it hurts, I've tried to talk about how I'm looking for a new girl. She wants me to move on. Last night she text me saying that she had pulled, and then old feelings were hurt all over again.So, I'm not sure what I should do, now. I want to be her friend, but I also want to move on. This girl is the only girl I have ever loved. "The first of many" I'm told... It didn't feel like it 7 months ago, and to be honest at times, it still doesn't feel like it. I guess I still love her, but she doesn't want me to. She wants me to move on and she's said so many times before. So why don't I? This time last year I would have done anything for her, but now she wants me to let go of her, my heart won't let me. I wish I knew what is the best thing to do. She obviously treasures our friendship, and I guess I do as well, but I don't know if I treasure it out of the hope that we will have a future together.I would move on from her if I was assured that a happy future lay ahead for me. For both of us, actually. But it seems that no matter what people try to tell me, my stupid heart refuses to listen, and breaks everytime it hears about her liking somebody else.I hope you have enjoyed reading my story. If you have any comments or suggestions I would really love to hear them. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all the other uncles and aunts for their help over the past 7 months. I know at times like these it must seem like I'm no further forward, but I think I have gotten stronger, and more than ever I want to pursuit happiness... I just wish I knew that someday I will find somebody special and achieve it.Many thanks-Andy00.
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (24 February 2008):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question R&B, I'm sorry. What you're saying is making a lot more sense now that you have explained it a little more. I'm very thankful that you want to help me through this. I hope you will continue to do so. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): Dear Andy,
I knew you thought I would be nitpicking, I am not taking you too literally, I am pointing out some ways that your thougts are keeping you stuck....using terms like am I getting better, and how do I stop her is making your locus of control something external from yourself, don't you see.....I truly don't think getting over a break up can be meaured in terms of am I getting better and how do I stop her from ruining my year....if she is contacting you, you still have control over that, if your thoughts are still consumed with her you do have some control over that whether you realize it or not.
A lot of times people tend to focus on the why instead of the how......human beings, their thoughts included are creatures of habit.....the best way to "get better" to "stop your thoughts" is to behave your way out of it....it is basic behavioral psychology.
Everytime a thought of her pops into your head uncontrollably, replace with either an activity or by saying to yourself "STOP", pick up a book and start reading, make some jewelry, paint a picture, go outside for a walk, call another friend and ask them about THEIR day, volunteer to help others, find something you like doing, get out of the house, off this computer, stop thinking about relationships in general so much and go out and live life, really actively live it, and in time your behavior and thoughts will change, you can't do this without cutting all contact with her, if your goal is to move on then you need to illicit her help and ask her to stop emailing you, texting you, calling you and to wait for your contact and tell her it will be months down the road that you need to get over her......she should understand.....if she doesn't you may have to be firmer about it, if she calls or writes you don't respond .....I am just trying to help you Andy, and you are taking me too literally as well....so we are even, I think......take care.
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reader, Andy00 +, writes (23 February 2008):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi rhythmandblues. I do appreciate the words of encouragement, but I think you have misunderstood me in places, as well as assumed things which are false."I must find a way to stop her" means that I must find a way to stop MYSELF from ruining my year by thinking of her. So in a sense; I'm trying to stop her. Just not a literal sense. After this, everything you said regarding that is fine. You're right. It is down to me. I just wanted to make it clear what I was trying to say.As for the "It's not a cold" comment, I think once again you take what I say too literally, or have simply missed the point. Surely you've heard of somebody getting better over stuff like this? It might not be an illness, but it is certainly something to recover from, or; get better. E.g. in this case, I asked if people really thought I had gotten better. Last year I was wallowing in sadness a lot of the time, crying over her, ect. Where as I'm not now. So on reflection, in some ways I have "gotten better". I'm just not sure I've gotten better in as many ways as I would like. Hence the question. Maybe I'm wrong! Maybe I'm over thinking it again! Furthermore "you just have to get past it and live your life and stop calling her every week or at all for that matter" is what I would describe as "getting better".AND you assume I call her. I don't call her! Any time we have gotten back in contact it has been her who has started it off. I don't know if I was wrong to follow up and try to make an effort... I guess in the sense of trying to get over her, it was very wrong. But I never have started it. Not since we split. It has ALWAYS been her who has tried to establish contact.So look, thanks for trying to help me. Thanks for all the suggestions. But please, don't nitpick!! :)You mention that I'll never forget her. I guess this is true, I just would like to get the point where I can go through a day in my life where she isn't once in my thoughts. But I've not had one of those yet, and I guess until I do, I'm always going to feel like I haven't moved on from her. It's getting me confused. I could be a lot more moved on than I think I am, but I have no way of telling. Until I find something that gets her off my mind, I'll never know. I just want to know how I can reach that stage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): Hi Andy, I am always intriqued with your writings, and I don't mean to nit pick, but "how can I stop her"?????
She is not the one that has to be stopped, you are in control here of everything concerning this broken romance....stop having contact with her, you are not capable of being her friend because you wanted more and are still heartbroken....this does not mean you are not a nice guy if you stop all contact with her, she will have to understand and may even be relieved....you need to move on now....doesn't mean you will ever forget her, and why would you? She was an important person in your life, but people cannot be collected like butterflies if they want to fly free....let her go....if she comes back and you are still single and don't hate her guts, then you can rekindle a romance, my bet is you will go onto achieve something else and someone even better will come into your life, but not if you continue to be wracked with guilt, and pain over this one relationship, that is going to send the girls running or at least the healthy ones....
Are you getting better? It is not a cold Andy, you can't get better from a break up, you just have to get past it and live your life and stop calling her every week or at all for that matter.....You are trying to do this the hard way, rip the bandaid off, stop calling her!.........I am going through a break up myself and I am much much older than you are, my fellow is acting like a complete jerk so it is easier to stop contact and I thank God, I found out now what his true character is like than after I married him for goodness sake......start thinking about life as a story, and a journey, it does not have a beginning middle and end, it is a saga that is never ending.....just try to live in the moment Andy, and appreciate all the beauty the world has to offer, hold onto your family and oldest and dearest friends, they will get you through the rest.....
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (23 February 2008):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGosh, so many people think I'm a great guy. It's a comfort I must say.
Do you really think I've gotten better in the past 8 months? (it'll be 8 months on monday. She broke up with me on a monday). I've not contacted her for about a week now. When I last contacted her it was to say I quite wanted to talk to her soon and explain how I'm feeling unsure about our friendship. Instead of going through with that, I've avoided her. I guess I've gotten a little better since then. I've thought about her a little less; whereby, I've woken up in the morning, and my first thoughts aren't of how I'm not waking up with her in my life.
I ask if you think I've truly gotten better, because even now, I can't envision myself connecting so we with a person as my ex. I suppose I did prove myself wrong before. There was a time where I said that I didn't feel like I would get another girlfriend, but I did... Even if it was very brief (3 weeks) and it was me who messed it up (I said something I shouldn't have done to a friend. Let's just leave it at that. But for the record I did nothing sinister or dishonest, I just said something that she felt disrespected by).
So, I'm a nice guy, but I've got a lot to learn. And I must stop over thinking things before I really damage myself. This year was my intention to push myself forward. I didn't want my ex to ruin this year like she did the last. I won't let her. She can't. But I must find a way to stop her.
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Hi Andy,
"How do you think I can achieve that? Talking to her probably isn't helping"
You're right. Talking to her is actually NOT helping at all. From my experience you will need to cut all contact from her until you have healed. Then and only then can you maybe be friends.
Each time you two talk it's another reminder that she's still there. Take a break from it. Explain to her that even after 8 months you're still not over her and it's too difficult for you to keep in touch at the moment. Perhaps you can be friends but you need your own space to get your head together.
As for how long does it take? There's no hard and fast rule. I read somewhere about a month for every year. However, it's taken me about 3-4 months to get over a 15 month relationship. It took me about 2 years to get over a 6 year relationship.
IN SHORT, YOU NEED TO CUT ALL CONTACT UNTIL YOU'VE HEALED. ONCE YOU'VE DEALT WITH THE "LOSS" ONLY THEN CAN YOU POSSIBLY REMAIN FRIENDS.
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (12 February 2008):
 I can see a huge improvement since last summer. You DO sound stronger to me but she was your first real love so I guess 7-8 months is definitely reasonable recovery time. I remember my first love very clearly and with great fondness, you don't ever forget it, it just doesn't cause any pain. You will get by this. You now know love so when your true love walks in the door you will be able to spot her. I guess you just need to try to have as much fun as you can muster in the meantime. You are a truly great guy and have a huge capacity for love so I know you will find the happiness that's eluding you at this moment.
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reader, Andy00 +, writes (12 February 2008):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to thank both of you or your support.
anon e mouse, I will look back at your article it I need something to put things into perspective for me, and eyeswideopen, I just want to thank you for your continued support. It's something you have always done, and it's nice to know you still believe in me.
I'l be honest with both of you; I hate that I still feel things that I felt almost 8 months ago. It's ALMOST 8 MONTHS and part of me hasn't moved on from her at all! I've met new people. I've even had a very short term relationship since all this, but my feelings for her are not going away nearly quick enough for me to handle. I had hoped I could face hearing about her meeting new guys, but it still tears me to shreds. Do you think this is normal? To be honest, I'm sick of dwelling on it. In fact, I'm past being sick of dwelling on it. It's more now that I'm SO sick of it, I don't want to live another day in my life where I dwell on the fact that me and the girl I love are no longer together.
How do you think I can achieve that? Talking to her probably isn't helping, but as I've said, I don't want to run off and hide from reality again. Any further comment either of you may have on this would be excellent. Also, I'm glad that you both enjoyed my article :)
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 February 2008):
Aww Andy, as I've told you before a sweetheart such as you will not be alone for very long. There's a girl out there who will grab you up and become the love of your life. You'll find each other, I'm positive.
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (12 February 2008):
Hi Andy,
I really enjoyed reading your article and I too have found myself with similar feelings. However, I'm over my EX now after about 4 months.
My feelings were so hurt I even found it difficult to function properly without her for a while. Couldn't eat properly as my stomach was in knots, couldn't sleep properly as whenever my mind wasn't kept busy I would think about her, wonder what she's up to, how she's doing. It affected me at work too... I had a hard time trying to concentrate and I felt as though there was no point to anyhting anymore.
Needless to say after talking to my family about this they encouraged me to see a counsellor which I did for about 6 weeks. During my time with the counsellor I learnt a lot about myself and actually wrote an artcile on here about what I did and I have to say it really did work for me.
I, too, now feel so much stronger and more sure of myself than ever. Like you I am also in pursuit of happiness as you put it and I'm sure you'll meet someone special again... I found love for the second time in my life with my last girlfriend after 5 years of ending the relationship with my first love.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN/WHERE LIGHTNING MAY STRIKE.
Take a look at my article if you like. You might find it useful:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html
Good luck :)
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