A
male
age
36-40,
*ominoML
writes:Hi...sorry for the long message but I really need to talk to someone and would really appreciate it if someone would just listen...I’ve been suffering from depression for a while now. it never was a constant thing. I’d be my normal, fun loving self for a while, but some nights I’d find myself with my fist clenched tight with tears running down my face...It’s been like this since I was younger. Growing up in Chicago, I was a witness to drug abuse from my father almost every night. Seeing my father high as a child was a norm; it’s sad but it was expected. The image of him high is burned in my head. It was like a nightly routine. First, he’d come down stairs and begin pacing...eyes wide as could be. His jaw moving side to side, his voice could be heard from outside. I’d run to a room and close the door and turn the TV up loud as possible so he wouldn’t be heard...hoping it would be over soon. By the end of the night I was fuelled with so much rage...pain...sorrow. I’ve been through that a countless number of times and sooo much more. I live with my mother in Atlanta now; she doesn’t know about any of this... We never had a good relationship neither. Constant fighting every day...even now!!!With no solid relationship with nether one of my parents I never had a shoulder to cry on,or someone to talk to at any time. But 7 month ago I met the love of my life. She means the world to me and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. We’re even talking about getting married! But our lives are different in some ways. Her parents are married, big house and they bought my girlfriends car for her. And me...well i don’t have a car and......well you understand. She lives 45min away, so I only see her 2...3 times a week, but the drive to my house is starting to take a toll on her; I’ve always hated that and knew eventually the drive would get to her. Anyway... she’s witness some of these random break downs throughout our relationship. She tries to cheer me up...telling me to think positive and have faith that things will change, but its hard to think positive when you’ve been surrounded by negativity your entire life. I try...God knows I try, but then something happens like me getting fired from my job...which brings me back down to an all-time low. She could find someone so much better than me. Yet, she chooses to stay. With college, work, and my depression...it’s getting her all stressed out, and I know she’s getting really annoyed with me. It got really bad today...I don’t wanna hurt her (not physically) or myself anymore. Can someone help me!? I can’t keep doing this to her and myself! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Well I have suffered from depression in my life before too so I totally get where you are coming from.
But here is the thing, you cannot will yourself out of depression, you cannot pull yourself up by the bootstraps and tell yourself to stop it, stop doing that to yourself.
You are obviously a very strong person to have survived your upbringing and the neglect you experienced as a child having your parent be an addict, and I am sure you suffered some abuse as well. This is a sad thing and it is no wonder that you have some issues.
What you must do is to seek professional counsel. I think you need medication, anti depressants, but I am not a doctor. What I can tell you is that these medicines are life savers. You will be amazea at how it can turn your life around. It doesn't change your past or who you are, it doesn't change your personality or make your problems go away, but it does lift your spirits and the heavy fog that you feel over your life, and it reduces anxiety and fear and irritability and crying spells....It isn't a happy pill, I mean there are still things you may need to talk over with a therapist. Talk therapy can help immensely, for one you will lessen the burden on your loved ones by having someone caring to listen to you and help you sort things out. This will raise your self esteem and self awareness so that you will be able to put things in proper perspective.
I am sorry that you don't have a car and lost your job, that has got to be hard for you. It is a bad economy right now so I wouldn't take getting fired personally, really it is just tough for some businesses to keep every body on board. Keep looking for work, go to your career center every day and get on line and have the people there help you get interviews or help with making a good resume for each position you are interested in applying for.
I would start with making a doctor's appointment, if you are due for a physical, get one to rule out any health problems that could be affecting your mood. Tell your doctor about all your symptoms of sadness, crying and how long it has been going on for you, the doctor will ask you some questions to determine what if any medications can help you.
Don't be afraid to take the pills, there are no real side effects with the newer drugs, and it may take a little trial an error to get the right one and the right dosage for you. Ask for a referral to a good therapist. There are sliding scales for charges for people who do not have insurance or can't afford the fees, so don't let money be an excuse for not going.
If you are unemployed and had health insurance at your former employer you probably are eligible for insurance through their Cobra plan, now the employer has to pay something like 63% of the insurance premiums, making it affordable for employees to carry the insurance. You have a limited amount of time after leaving the employer though to sign up for it. Take advantage of any food assistance, etc. that you might qualify for, this will ease your financial stress which will help you out as well.
I am sorry you are feeling so badly, but you don't have to live this way if you don't want too, realize there is real help out there available.
I am glad you have such an understanding girlfriend, tell her how much you appreciate her and that you are doing everything you can to improve things for yourself.
Don't let your families difference concern you to much, she knows who you are and loves you, I am sure her life wasn't perfect as much as it seems that way to you.
I had a similar situation with my last boyfriend and he ended up breaking my heart and treating me like I wasn't good enough for him, when I never treated him that way. He ended up resenting me, why? Maybe because I did help him, which seems really cruel and unfair to me....so don't ever think that someone whose family has money to help them out growing up doesn't have a heart or feelings or wants to help those they love. It isn't a sin to be poor and any intelligent person knows that.
Take care, things will get better, but you have to take the steps I mentioned.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Hi. Are you getting any help with this depression? If not got to your doctor and also seek counselling. It really can help. All the best.
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