A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,I am looking for some advice and guidance because i feel as though my relationship is like a 'warzone'. I have been with my bf for almost 5 yrs and during that time he went through a stressful divorce which has left him bitter (he did not leave his wife for me, she was already with another man when i met him but they just had not sorted out their divorce). He seems angry, bitter, obsessed with money, scared that if he moves in with anyone else they will 'shaft' him (he feels that his ex wife 'shafted' him). He is highly critical of everyone (we don't live together) but nobody (ie myself, his children or my children, all of whom are at university) are allowed to criticise him. He seems to pick arguments all the time and when i start to challenge him he says we should split up. We have nice times and then he spoils it by making an arguments. My problem is that I do love him with all my heart and he is the love of my life - if it was any other guy I would probably have left him already but when I am apart from him it makes me feel like I am going crazy!! and i cannot eat or sleep or function properly - this has never happened to me before (even though I know I wouldn't go mad but it just feels like it ... it just feels SO bad). When we first met we have a very strong connection that sustained us through all sorts of problems.We have 'circular' arguments about attitudes to money which is one of the problems but he just wants everyone and everything done his way (he is a bit of a control freak!). I feel all caught up and miserable and stuck. I can see how our problems ar resolvable if he would just stop fighting. He acts like a sort of 'rebel without a cause' he just fights and fights with everyone over everything and it is exhausting me. I wonder if this is the real him and will he change ... Does anyone have any advice that could help me? He refuses to go for counselling. Thanks for any advice or help regarding how to deal with this? x
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, money, split up, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Thank you so much for your kind answers. I am thinking things over carefully at the moment. I appreciate you all taking the time to write as I can see that it is a difficult question to answer. Thanks x
A
male
reader, Paladin  +, writes (27 March 2008):
 Actually your question is a lot easier to answer than you may think. What you see is what you get and if you think you or anyone else can change him your making a terrible mistake. Please note I am not saying he is a bad person all I am saying is that he is no kid and he is what he is. The question is not whether you or anyone else can change him but more can you, or are you, willing to live with this for the rest of your life. Think about it, what if this is as good as it gets. I believe that once you answer those questions the rest of the puzzle will come together. Regarding the issues of him thinking that every woman is out there to shaft him as you say that is simply absurd. Every relation must be built on trust and respect if he thinks you are the type of person who would shaft him you have major issues right there. Another concern I have is his cavalier approach to splitting up. Those words should never be said unless the relationship has truly reached rock bottom.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): If he refuses help, if he refuses to discuss things that you both can be happy with, or least disguss and get back to later, then he may be in such a rut from the past that he will not change. He maybe correct about some of his feelings, but he does have you, a new partner with a clean record. You should be careful on how you interact with him, making sure what you want takes both of you in consideration, if you do this and he still complains, then you need to stand your ground and clearly explain your position, show him the facts to show the validty of your position, and ask him to show to you how his plan will work and how it will benefit you both. I say this because it sounds like he thinks he is still dealing with his ex. Eventually, he must deal with the problems he and his ex had and get over it, otherwise, this will be your life style, which would be terrible for you. He also needs to change before you get closer or agree to move in with him, you don't want to end up trapped by this man if he decides to blow a cork!
I hope this helps as a starter.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 March 2008):
 Hi, I think I saw you post the same question earlier, and didn't get any answers from us...sorry for that, but this is really difficult to give advice on. You clearly are unhappy with the state of the relationship; you want it to change, but he refuses counselling.
Oh, dear, I don't think I'm going to be of much help, and I'm sorry for that, but as he's not willing to work on the issues you've identified, there's not much hope, really. Maybe he's just fine being in arguments all the time, and is has no idea how his temperament affects you and the people around him, or maybe worse, he just doesn't care.
He isn't going to change without wanting to, it's the same with an alcoholic or a drug addict or anyone who is blind to the hurt and pain they cause someone else. You may love them, but love does not conquer all, alas.
You've probably been bending over backwards not to tick him off or cause a scene or challenge him too often. I'm quoting you here: "He seems to pick arguments all the time and when i start to challenge him he says we should split up."
It sounds like he is trying to make you leave him, break up with him, so that he'll have someone new to blame for all the problems in his life. He's being a bit passive, and definitely aggressive...
I don't hold out much hope for the long term future for you with this man. He is giving you all kinds of reasons to break up with him, and probably is subconsciously hoping for it.
My advice is to take a really big step back from him, limit your contact, tell him that you need some time to think about things. You could give him an ultimatum to either go to counselling or consider your relationship ended. Going back to that one sentence in your post, "He seems to pick arguments all the time and when i start to challenge him he says we should split up," what do you have to lose but to agree with him? Maybe you can rock him to his core, but he sounds so hostile and angry I'm not sure that he'll believe you.
Please do consider going to counselling without him. It may help, it certainly can't hurt. Things won't get better with him unless he's willing to change, and that sounds unlikely.
All the best, please let us know if you need some support in this.
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