A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for almost two years. It seems like it is a fight just to stay together though. It started when i was pregnant with our daughter. I worked and was going to college, both full time. During my maternity leave, I was still going to school full time. My husband, having had a kidney transplant over two years ago, stays at home and get government assistance. But, while he is at home, most of the housework is left for me to "help" him do. I am angry that I had to come home from work and do the cooking and cleaning, with the exception of dishes every day. During this time, I was gone from about 9am to about 3am at school and work. So there is history of some tension and I guess a grudge that I hold against him for this.I know he enjoys playing his video games, in fact he is addicted to being on the computer. I try to be supportive of his "cave" time, but when he comes to spend time with me it seems like the only thing he wants is sex, which I'm obviously not always in the mood for, especially not when he literally says "so, sex?" drops his pants and expects to just stick it in and be done with it (thanks but masterbation seems a little more appealing and intimate than that). I try to have conversations with him about anything and he ignores me or won't easily engage in the conversation with me. The only time that he will talk to me is when it is about video games or hockey or about global politics, things that I really don't care about, but that I try to show an interest in for his sake. I try to encourage him to spend some intimate time with me so that I might be in the mood more often. He acts like he doesn't have the time for that though. He makes me feel like if I am not ready to have sex when he is then I'm of no use to him. Further, he won't do anything to help me in terms of housework, dealing with our landlord, phone calls that need to be made for utilities and other things that go with living on your own. Recently I decided to get preapproved for a mortgage and I bought us a house. The day that we found the house we were going to buy my husband told me to cancel the appointment because he didn't want to go. I was the one who drove there and back. All he had to do was come out with me, look at a couple of places and give me his opinion on what home he liked the best. I understand that watching hockey and playing video games are important to him and they are passions but it is really cutting into our life. For the last two weeks we have had our daughters shots scheduled and it was agreed that he would come with me. Then today, he informs me that he isn't coming, end of discussion. He does that everytime that we need to run an errand such as grocery shopping, or taking our daughter to see his parents, or even when I was pregnant and we registered for prenatal classes. It is the same story with anything else that needs to be done. It seems very unfair to me that he sits at home all day playing video games and basically doing whatever he wants to when he wants to and I go to work all day and when I come home I need to cook dinner, and take care of our daughter (who btw is in daycare all day). I just want to have open communication with him and I want to feel like we take equal responsibility in our relationship and all that comes with that. I am not upset that he does not work, however if he is going to be the "stay at home" parent then there should be no reason why I am embarrased to have people come over to my house because it isn't clean. We used to do nothing but talk and we used to get along very well. We did tons of stuff together and we never fought while doing it. It seems like since we got married though that it is a never-ending battle. Is this normal and I'm just overreacting, or is there something that needs to change?
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female
reader, mselu08  +, writes (3 February 2011):
Honey, you are not overreacting one bit! He doesn't work, yet your daughter goes to daycare? Every single thing that you said he does is completely unacceptable. I think you should give him an ultimatum. Either he agrees to go to counseling, or you're leaving. He won't listen to you, so you guys need a mediator. You seem more like a mother that's dealing with her lazy teenager than a wife. You have a lot on your plate, and he should be helping take the stress off of you. Not adding more stress to your life.
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