A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a rather troubled childhood which affected almost all areas of my life, particularly my schooling and studies. Along with our family always being in financial pitfalls, my parents weren’t really of the loving type, so I had to deal will all problems on my own. When I turned 19 things changed in a good way. The grips of my parents started to loosen, the restrictions of adolescence started to fade. I finally gained control of my own life and it amazingly started going in the right direction. My tertiary education began to flourish. I realized that I was able to dictate my own life and make the best of things. Self confidence emerged for the first time, I actually felt good about myself. Girls started liking me, and lots of them did! Girls had never shown any interest in me before, none what so ever. Things had completely changed, I could NOT believe that pretty girls wanted to be with me. Then of course followed my first sexual encounters. I started becoming “rich”, well rich in comparison to most kids of 19 anyway. I had a Saturday morning job at an independent Mitsubishi work shop which was good for a bit of pocket money but on Sundays I had a stall at the market, selling old paintings, books, and other interesting old stuff, I was making good bucks! I started buying things which I never could’ve afforded earlier, mobile phones, cds, a decent stereo and other stuff which our family was just too poor for. I even bought myself a really cool 70’s Chrysler stationwagen, life couldn’t have been better. I always had a smile on my face.My education was going well, I had a level of self confidence which I had never thought possible, girls liked me, money was no longer a problem. I had a really positive outlook on the future. I saw the grey and somber childhood more as a learning phase, rather than a large obstacle in life. I was determined not to let the events of my childhood ever to repeat, I would never let the sadness return. With the right mindset, a good life was perfectly possible, I was sure of this.When I was 20 I met a very attractive young woman from Europe. Blonde, slender figure, full breasts, an absolute dream girl. She was bit older than myself but we got along great. 2 years later, when I finished my studies, I went to over Europe with her and ended up staying there, later we got married. At the time I thought I would just continue my life there with the same enthusiasm and positive outlook. This enthusiasm and positive outlook was short lived. I learnt the local language and apparently integrated well, but in a space of about 2 years, the prosperity and joy in life was all gone. At the time I thought it was temporary and I just needed to find my momentum again.I’m 32 now, I have realized that that moment has never come back. The last 10 years have been more or less stagnant, without prosperity and with little happiness. My relationship with my wife is really not been the best of relationships. We have been on the verge divorce a number of times but we have three lovely daughters who I love to bits, my wife and I have come to terms.My job basically sucks, there has been little progress career wise over the odd 10 years and has little relevance with my studies, but I stick at it because my children need a financially stable environment.My marriage isn’t what it should be or could be. A sex life is almost nonexistent.My financial situation is no better than it was when I first moved to Europe 10 years ago, there has been very little progress at all.My self confidence has gone back to what is was when I was a child. People don’t see the happy friendly spirit in me anymore, I have just faded into the background.The last 10 years have been tough, my life is not getting any better in any area. I’m not interested in the future any more.In all my 32 years, I’ve only had 2 years of true happiness, that happy young boy of 19 is becoming a distant memory.Aside from my children, I have no purpose, I’m of no use to myself or anyone else. I have become a sad person.I’m screwed, going nowhere and I don’t know what to do anymore.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 June 2011):
 Wow! I am so happy for you! I'm sitting here right now with a huge grin on my face. Congratulations on the new job! That is really incredible, and good for you to take that step out of the comfort zone and dare things! It is so hard, for so many, to do just what you did. You should be proud of yourself for taking that chance, and I am very happy for you. It is amazing how something as seemingly little ask taking a risk can change your life in so many ways. A new job is only the beginning. The changes we make in life are like a drop in water, leaving rings that affect everything else.
Life doesn't end once you get married and have children. I will admit, not being either married or with kids I really can't say much about it, just say what I imagine when trying to put myself in your shoes. So, you will have to excuse me drawing on a childish idea of mine... but when I was a little girl in school, I thought about it. I didn't like school, yet school, then further education, then a job etc., it all seemed to control you, something you couldn't be free from. School, or obligations, were life, like we were forced to live through this system.
That was a rather depressing thought, so I tried to think what else it could be like. My conclusions were that life isn't school (or work obligations), but school, education, it is part of life. But it is not all there is to life, and it only controls a small part of us, and the only reason it even controls that part is because we chose it. We chose it because that is what we thought would be the best for us. We chose to have these obligations to make our own lives better.
You could have chosen to be a loafer and live in a box with no obligations at all. But you didn't, because you didn't think that would be best for you. You married, yet you're not only a husband. A husband is one of the many roles you play, but it is not all of you. You chose to be a father, yet father is also one of the many roles you play, it isn't all of you either. You chose work, so you are a colleage, yet another role you have. But then, at the bottom of it all, don't forget that no matter what roles you chose to play in life, you're still you. At the core you're you, no matter what you do. You'll always have that.
Once your children grow up, you wont stop being a father, but the role will change. However, your other roles in life will also change, all depending on you. When the time comes that your children grow adult, I think you will have slipped into the right role naturally. It isn't something you must prepare for at the moment, so don't take any sorrows in advance.
About feeling controlled by your surroundings, yes, to a degree you are. But more precicely, the role you are playing is controlled by your surroundings. You were fully able to change the role of colleage. Husband and father role you want to keep, but there are still other places in life where you are in control of what roles you want to play. Like in your community. What role you want as a neighbour, or role in your community. Just an example. I suggest that you lock down the things that definitely control you, then look at what is left. What things don't really control you? What things, and aspects of life, are you in charge of completely (although ultimately you are in charge of all parts, you can take your kids out of school and educate them at home and sail around the world for that matter, but I guess you'd prefer to keep things at a less dramatical level). Look at your options and play with the ideas that come to mind, remind yourself that you are not a victim of your circumstances, you are the master of your own life.
I realize I sound a bit fanatic and crazy here, but hopefully you understand the core of what I am trying to say. If you feel controlled it is likely because it is comforting for you to have these frames around you. But by seeing other options, you can be reassured that the things you feel controlled by are there because you want them to be there. Maybe you can see that it is your decision to have them there, and find comfort in that rather than feel trapped by it.
Thank you for your update, I am very happy to have heard from you again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh dear, that last post of mine wasn’t supposed to get through... but that's ok I guess...
Yes my question was far too long and I actually didn’t ask a direct question I suppose, a little vague too. I did write this question out of desperation and hopelessness so I wasn’t thinking straight. I am very pleased you have taken the time to answer me, thank you.
I must also apologize for not answering earlier, I have been very busy with work and family stuff in the last weeks and this is my first chance to answer you.
Chigirl, I must say that you have no Idea how much I appreciate you putting your attention to this and fortunately for me you took the time to read it and respond.
You’ve said some kind and encouraging things there and I suppose you have woken me up a little as well.
You’ve noted some interesting points about financial security and my family, I guess you’re right, it not so bad but I think this leak you suggested is very real, although I’m not sure where or what this leak is. I did grow up with a certain mindset, a negative one, and yes I guess it is easy for me to think that way or fall back into to that pattern of thinking when things in life don’t go well.
You say that I alone am responsible for my own happiness, and if I don’t like where I am, I should change it. You know, 12 or 13 years ago I would've 100% agreed with you, even now I mostly agree with you. But it just it feels my life is no longer in my own hands, that it’s dictated by others and the world around me. This is probably why I don’t agree with you 100% (but almost 100%)
You spoke about a mental shift, well since you wrote on the 19th, I’ve actually listened to that and have been trying to do this, just changing my perspective on all this, I guess it’s already working a little, and if it is actually working, I still do have a very long way to go.
And as for my job, believe or not I have actually done something about this. The week after you posted, a job opportunity came up within the company I already work for. Normally I wouldn’t have bothered, wouldn’t want to come out of my comfort zone. I did hesitate, however I did take you words very seriously, it was you who motivated me and I took the plunge. I applied for the job, and you know what? I got it, I start in 4 weeks from now. It’s not 100% the sort of job I would normally apply for, but its close and it’s a change and that’s more than enough for me right now!I'm very pleased.
You're damn right about my children. They are young 3, 5 and 7 so there is no immediate threat of them leaving home but I am really attached to them. I love them the way they are now at this age, this may sound stupid but I am terrified of them growing up and leaving. I am not joking about this, the idea of them becoming independent is really scaring me. I think due to my
very low self esteem I have become very dependent on them to make me happy. I really don’t know what to do about this. I’m also afraid that my almost nonexistent self esteem and 0 confidence will eventually filter down through to my children. That they adopt my social inabilities and low confidence levels when they grow up. This is really worrying me.
You asked me to think back on what brought me happiness when I was 19 and 20. Well I have thought about this and I guess that it was it was having the ability and freedom to make my own decisions and steer my life in the direction which I wanted. I had a feeling that it was up me make myself happy and that this was perfectly possible. These days I guess I feel restricted with responsibilities of my job and family, and this I think is partly responsible for my unhappiness at the moment. And yes I have fallen back into the rut I used to be in many years ago, this is for sure.
Life doesn’t turn out the way we imagine it, it’s unpredictable you say. I guess you’re right, can’t dispute that. As for appreciating things in life like I once did, I suppose it could be possible again but that’s hard to believe. It just seems that that period in my life is just so far away, distant, almost surreal, that my life the way it is today is the reality and that’s the way it’s to be for the rest of my days. I will try though Chigirl.
I’ll think about the therapist, maybe that is a good idea, might be the next step in all of this.
A mid life crisis? yeah well I have never paid attention to that phenomenon before, I guess it’s clear a present now isn’t it?
You hope that your answer was of any help? Well it is and a great deal of help. Thank you very much, you helped me to think a bit more rational about this mess and have given me kick in the right direction. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 May 2011):
What it appears to me is that you are hitting a midlife crisis of sorts. You have plenty of things to be happy about, but somewhere there's a leak where all your energy gets sucked out. You have a steady job, a decent income, you are able to offer financial security for a total of three children and yourself and a wife. You also speak at least two languages fluently.
All of this doesn't seem all that bad or hopeless to me. Nor to anyone else I would think. If compared to your childhood, I do not think you are just as depressed, or sad about life, as you were then. But, Im thinking you grew up like that, you were too used to feeling like that. And it was so easy for you to fall back into that mental state. I don't think you can blame your happiness, or lack thereof, on anything else but yourself. You alone are responsible for your own happiness, and if you do not like where you are, change it.
This could be as little as a mental shift, barely visible to others, but something that will natter a great deal to you. Or it could be you changing something on the surface of life, and see if that impacts your emotions. Such as changing your job. Or spend your time differently. You said your work is not directly related to your education, why not change that. Keep your job, but keep your eyes open to other opportunities. If the money will change because of this, discuss it with your wife and see if you will be able to manage with less. She works as well? Or could she possibly get a job to help bring in money?
How old are your children? Could it be you are sad now because they are growing up and you are afraid you will lose them, not having them around as much?
Think back on what brought you happiness in the two years when you were 19 and 20. What made you happy? Can you find the same things in your current life? What has truly changed, other than your outlook on life? Is it a chance that it is not life that has gone sour, but that it is you who have fallen back into a rut you used to be in?
In the end I do not think life ever turns out the way we imagine it. But that isn't a bad thing, it's just life! Unpredictable. But you only live once, so don't waste your time on being sad about it. Learn to appreciate things in life, over again, and learn how to hold on to that feeling.
I would also suggest you talk to a therapist, if you can afford it. They are expensive, but very handy. They don't do much other than listen to you talk, but talking sometimes is all you need. And to talk to someone who is completely on the side of things, not ever going to judge you, and who can not ever talk about what you have said to anyone else because of confidentiality. It is refreshing, and lifts a burden off of your shoulders. It also helps to talk things through to see the bigger picture, and to clear your mind and see what you are troubled with, and what is only a distraction from your real problems.
Alternatively you can go on longer walks to have peace of mind and time to think. Find the good things in your life.
I hope this was of any help to you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 May 2011):
I'm sorry you didn't get any answers, but I will read through this now and at least see if I have anything worth adding. Other than that, I suggest you ask a shorter question, or a precise question, as those are easier for others to answers. It could be you didn't get responses simply because of the length of the question, unfortunately.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi mods,
Could you have my question removed? I don't think anyone is going to answer it. I prefer to have it removed rather than see it here unanswered.
Thanks in advance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I guess my story is pretty boring hey?
Maybe I should have worded it a little differently to make it more exciting.
If anyone would give any advice, it would be most appreciated.
Thanks anyway
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