A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need all the answers I can get here as this going to be make or break for me. Ive asked a couple of questions about this guy but now ive got to make my mind up once and for all and need an outside opinion.I met this guy over a social network site, didnt know him even though we live about 5 mins away from each other. Hes older than me by 7 year, im 19 hes 26. I was still with my ex when I met him and he knew this. When it started out I thought it wouldnt come to anything and I dont think he did. To him this was just a bit of fun but I did like him after the first time I met him and he liked me.The first few weeks we saw each other a couple of nights a week he texted me every night. He then told me that I should 'dump my bf and let someone treat me like a princess'. Me and my ex we over before I met him we just hadnt made it official. So after a month I did finish with my ex. He went to Germany for a few days and while he was a way he told me 'i was the best thing that had happened to him' and 'was i going to be his girlfriend'. How much he missed me and couldnt wait to see me and then he sent a text with 'Love u'. I was shocked, asked if he meant to say that and he said 'yep'.The day he came back i was so excited to see him, sent him text, didnt answer me. Logged on to facebook he was on there. I met him that night but he was different with me i asked about the Love u thing. He said well its more than like you!Anyways, as time has passed on things have never really moved on. I still just see him a couple of nights a week and just when he wants to see me. He has never even mentioned me to his family I dont know his friends (dont think he has many, if any, if im honest). He still adds girls on this social network site. Girls he doesnt know he adds them then deletes some. He spends nearly every night with my friends Nan at her house. He has gone there for years but since I have started going with him its now nearly every night apart from the 2 nights he with me.When we are together get a long really well, make each other laugh and have a good time. We go out for meals, nights out in the towns, walks along the beach, walks out where we live. He tells me often he 'loves me' and 'misses me' how he would be 'devastated' if he lost me, that i am the 'best thing in his life ever'.Im not denying that i love this guy but I suppose I dont show my feelings to him fully, because of the way he treats me. He can be a bit controlling at times and says things to me then says im just joking with you, but most of the time he treats me really nice and no he never (hits me or abuses me in anyway). He always pays for everything when we go out or do anything and says thats how he likes it.There is just so many things that concerns me and I want to spend more time with him as this doesnt feel like a relationship to me. I dont know if this guy means what he says or im just someone, till someone else comes along.But its time for me to make a decision about this guy as all this wearing me down and I need to get on with my life. I just dont know that if I walk away will I have made the wrong decsision. Any answers please!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the time and answers guys. Yes Cerebus, its me who is dating the teacher and who wrote about the Facebook girls as this is really upsetting me and he's still adding them every night. You must think your wasting your time answering me but you have being a great help! This guy is wearing me down, I just dont know where to turn, my friends cant beleive I am still with this guy. Its just not me! Everything you have said in that response sums it up to a T. I dont know how to approach him on anything and when I do, I do it in all the wrong ways and he can brush things off. He never wants, or opens up about anything. The worse thing is and I know it sounds pathetic and i hate myself for it, is if I do say all this to him, he will be so quick to turn round and say 'I dont need all this shit' and end it as this is how seems to resolve all his problems, as he says 'cant be arsed with all this'. Thats what hurts the most, that he will let me go so easy and then give me grief that it was all my fault, my misunderstanding and will use the age difference card. He told me the other night 'dont you ever leave me' and yet he gives me every reason to leave him. This situation is something I thought I would never be in or let myself be treated this way. I know that if he did turn round and end it so quick, he wasnt worth it anyway and its his loss as know other mug would put up with this crap. I know I have to get this all out in the open as I need to get my life back and sending the email is a good idea. He goes away next week for 10 days to Australia, so im deciding if i should say all this before he goes or wait till he comes back.
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (17 May 2011):
 yes i agree with you about everything you write is (or should be) telling you to run a mile. seems like your judgement is somewhat clouded by the whole situation at the moment so it really is time to get your head from out of the clouds and have a proper think about what you need to do.
i suggest you make a list of his good points and his bad points that make you feel uneasy. this will unjumble all these thoughts you are having and hopefully make you see things in a clearer light.
and, while Cerberus has got involved in your question this reminds me of a great article he once wrote here on DC called 'women - actions speak louder than words' i suggest you check it out, its good advice
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Is this you? If not have a read, it's a similar situation to yours and you may gain some insight.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/-he-says-slaggy-looking-girls-are-adding.htmlOr are you the girl that's dating the teacher? If I got this wrong then please post links of your previous questions, so we can get detailed background.Anyway two things I see here: 1. He holds all the power in this relationship, it goes the way he wants it to and it's at the stage where he is comfortable and he has no incentive to change that. He is the dominant one in terms of age and experience and he uses all that knowledge and experience to keep you hanging on while never giving you what you want. 2. You don't seem experienced enough to get these things, or perhaps you do want to try but then when you see him in person he has a way of disarming you and making everything seem okay. Again that's the joys of being the older guy, it's easy to do that with girls your age because we have a huge advantage.OP while the situation stays this way you will never feel secure enough to completely let go of your doubts and completely open up to him. What's worse is he's fine with that. He may talk the talk but he doesn't have to walk the walk because you demand that, for all your complaining when it comes down to it he's able to brush it off and you're still there. He just gives you nice romantic gesture, says sweet things to you and pays for your affection and you get lost in that moment and shut up about it. When you tell him all this he plays the pity card, plays on your emotions and you back down, he never actually has to change any of these things nor commit to you more nor take the relationship to the next level because he knows nothing will happen. He knows you're not going to do anything about it because he knows what young love is.He knows that all he has to do is keep you sweet by feeding your feelings but for you when you wake up the next day you realize you're still caught in this limbo. Basically OP the relationship is going nowhere and it won't go anywhere until you do something about it.So tell him OP, tell him what the story is and tell him you're not happy. If doing it in person is too hard for you, is his ability to sweet talk and disarm you stops you from getting this then you need to write a big long email explaining what you want, what you need and that as long as things stay this way you're growing ever closer to leaving him. You don't want to but you can't go on like this.Tell him you need progress and you want to take things to the next level, he's losing you and he has to know that you leaving is not only a possibility but it's becoming a inevitability. You need actions not words.OP if he still tries to brush it off, if he tells you some big long winded thing about loving you and devastated if you leave, if he doesn't make a very real commitment to sorting this out then it's time for a break. He needs to know that you're serious and sweet talk isn't going to work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, ive being with him for nearly 7 month. I know he goes to my friends nan as i see if hes there every night and he always is. The girls he adds comes up on my news feed on Facebook and he has added these girls from me knowing him, probs before aswell. I dont know if he gets on with his parents or not, he talks about them and I know he goes there. His grandparents brought him up. I dont think he gets on with them really well but he could at least tell them about me.Ive only ever seen him with one friend and i dont think they are good friends. I know he sounds odd, he has a really good job. But people where we live know nothing about him and hes lived here all his life. He is a man of mystery and says he keeps his life private. Just dont know what to do, everything I write says run a mile!!!
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reader, angelDlite +, writes (17 May 2011):
ocnfusing. how long have you known him? are you sure that he is always at your friends nan's when you don't see him? saying i love you when it seems to soon is a bad thing. ask him 'what do you love about me??' see what he can come up with, if he says 'i don't know - just EVERYTHING' take that as a non-answer. does he get on with his family? if he has nothing to do with them then that is probably why he has not told them about you, if he does still speak to them then YOU (the person he 'loves') should be the first thing he would've wanted to tell them about. no friends?? do yo know why this is? what about the girls he adds on facebook even though he does not know them? how do you know about this? has he been open about this or do you know it coz you have snooped on his page?
there is a lot of questions about him that you need answers for. the problem here is not that you only see him a couple of times a week, to me its the fact that he seems quite mysterious. if he does not want to be so open and see you as much as you would like then that's fair enough i suppose, especially if you have not been with him very long, but in that case he should't be saying he loves you and would be devastated if you split up.
he sounds a bit odd, sorry
x
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