A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've been living in Spain for a few months and I met a local girl and we really hit it off the first night. I tried to meet up with her again but she said she just wanted to be friends because she liked a German guy she met a few weeks ago but he had gone back to Germany. I said fine but I wanted more so there was no point in continuing. A few days later she messaged me saying she's thought about it so wants to meet again. I agreed because I liked her but then I found out that she had slept with someone else a couple of days before. A few warning bells going off now. Skip ahead 6 weeks and I've gone home for xmas, we've kept in touch everyday, with calls and video messages etc. Today I asked was she still in touch with the German guy and she told me yes and that she still likes him but she likes me too. We argued a little bit over this but I'm starting to think that it might not be worth the hassle. We got along great but I'm sensing trouble down the line. Her reasoning is that she doesn't have a boyfriend at the moment and that she can do what she wants which I agree with. But she also says it's my fault too because she doesn't know what I want with her. For me it's too early to say exactly what but I like how she is and I don't want to meet anyone else.I'm pretty confused because one one hand she wants to introduce me to her family and friends and she can't wait for me to get back but on the other hand she could be saying similar things to the other guy as well.After our last conversation she told me she would stop talking to the other guy if it was hurting me, which it has more been making me feel stupid. I said more along the lines that she should only stop if it's her decision not for me. Anyway despite all of this I still like here more and more we speak but she just seems to be really indecisive. She's older than me by a few years and was in 10 year relationship up to 2 years ago, not sure if that's a relative factor.My question is should I follow my heart and keep seeing her because I feel great in her company or should I cut my losses now? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (4 January 2018):
If you haven’t had the exclusivity talk what is the problem. Right now you’re just dating. There is nothing that says you can’t date more then one person at the same time.
. If you want to be exclusive ask her. If she says no then move on, or continue dating her in the hopes she comes around. But if you do the latter make sure you continue to see other people also.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2018): So.... you won't make it official by telling her what she is to you or actually asking her to be your girlfriend, you've not discussed exclusivity with her yet you're somehow upset that she's talking, yes, talking to another guy that's not in the country.....
Let her go.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (4 January 2018):
 Run a mile.
Complete and utter messer. She's trying to pin the blame on you here? She's openly told you she likes another guy and is still in contact with him....are you willing to be in competition?
You're going to get hurt here.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 January 2018):
Financially and socially, are you in a better position than her? Because right now it seems like she's keeping you in the loop because you're a safe catch.
She's sleeping with the other dudes despite you being on the scene because she's obviously not got the same feelings for you as you have for her BUT she's still talking to you and keeping you around because
(a) you're a safer, more reliable option compared to the other guys she's having sex with
(b) she knows that you want to be with her despite knowing about the other guys so you must really like her and hence
(c) given her age-early to mid 30s'- she would be looking to get married and you're the best bet
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2018): Cut your losses. Leave the situation.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 January 2018):
 People have different dating styles. Some compartmentalize others in the lover, friend, and husband box. Some feel that whoever makes a good friend would make a good husband too, but not all think so. The art and etiquette of dating is to have a good head yet be discreet about our choices. Those who make it clear to you that you are in this box, or that box, are quite tacky and clueless about the secret of attraction. I don't think she is telling other guys that she wants to introduce them to her family. The double standard here is that if she wants to build a solid relationship, then she is supposed to wait for the right one and start slow. She can't be screwing around and then telling you to wait and to court her like a gentleman as if she has no one else. Well technically. You can't argue that she did something wrong but you can't feel the sincerity if this becomes too much like a business deal. Like, you commit to make a purchase, then this becomes a real deal. If you don't, then there's no transaction yet. She's older than you, she's supposed to know that it takes two people to make it happen, and to develop a connection together. If you have to say why it wouldn't work, it's because you don't feel she likes you enough to focus on only you. You are still talking because you feel safe, that's all.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 January 2018):
 She doesn't know what she wants, but she DOES know it's not you. That is why you are in a "holding pattern" with her and why she is also having sex with one guy and chasing that German one. You are the second option (or third)
I think you are better off just cutting your losses with this one if you are looking to build something solid here.
Having this much "drama" in the beginning doesn't bode well.
When you look at it, ARE you looking at other women? No you are sticking to one to see if she could be right. She on the other hand is looking ALL over the place. (nothing wrong in that per se, as she is single) But it's two different kind of standards here. Yours and hers. Not a good match.
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