A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys! I need some advice, I'm having a hard time letting go, trusting people, and or finding myself to like anyone in a way that others like me. I have had quite a few relationships but not as much as I have with people I have "went out" with, by that I mean I have had more flings with people than I have had relationships. My first serious relationship started when I was 15, and ended when I was 18, here I am 19 and I have quadruplicated the amount of guys that I have been with in the past year or year and a half than I ever thought I would go through in my lifetime. My first serious relationship ended in really bad terms, as for the guy shortly after him, he played with my emotions way too much, he would pull me in and then push me away, he would make me second, after another girl, he would make me sneak around with him, when we couldn't make things go public, I sorta just let go of that relationship, if it even was a relationship. I started dating my next serious boyfriend shortly after the guy played with my emotions, finding myself really liking this guy, I feel we moved way too fast, it didn't last long, a half of a year maybe if even that, maybe less, I don't quite remember. I broke up with this boy because I started having feelings for my ex boyfriend again. After this next boyfriend, I started seeing another guy, he was the sweetest guy I met in a while aside from my previous relationship-note; in between each of these guys, there were flings, each one of these guys i had feelings for, never once have I just given it up to anyone for the heck of it, but because feelings were involved. This guy didn't last long, only because I think he was still in love with his previous girlfriend, maybe I scared him away or maybe because he wasn't who I really thought him to be. This started in the beginning of October, and ended at the end of October, so you see it was only a month that this guy and I talked, and even hung out, we went on ONE date, if you would even call it that at the most, but we would hang out every night after he would get off of work, he would come by and hang out with me. He said he liked me, in fact he said he liked me a lot. Who knows.By the middle of November, I started talking to someone new, all we did was talk, we didn't actually start hanging out until the ending of December which was when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Throughout the time of me and this guy even talking and dating, I still found myself liking and thinking about the guy that was from October-I know this is a bit complicating and way long! But I feel like I need some help and advice! Anyway, to this day, I haven't had the urge to let go of the guy before this guy I started dating and talking to, we dated for a week because I realized that this guy had some major insecurities! If I hung out with a guy, he would become paranoid, even if that guy happened to be my best friend that also happens to be gay. Other than the fact that a friend got in between this relationship-but I won't get into that.Anyway, this leads to what I need advice on, why is it that I didn't have the urge to let go of the guy that was before this boyfriend? The guy before and I never dated, we ended on bad terms, we don't talk anymore and at the point of me dating this other guy, we weren't even talking anymore-like I said we left on really bad terms, yet i wasn't able to see why it ended so badly, one day he told me he was seeing someone else and to stop talking to him, but we were still hanging out at the time and he was still coming over to see me every night after work to cuddle with me, that doesn't make much sense, actually a lot of people have said that his story was nothing but bull crap. Anyway, my boyfriend and I broke up but we remained friends and we still would talk every day and hung out a few times and whatnot, I just can't find myself letting go, moving on, or even giving anyone a chance. Why is that? Why can't I let go? Why are my feelings for this other guy that I don't even talk to anymore still there? Why? I just want to know if I'm just a messed up person to not give anyone else a chance? Am I crazy? Nuts? Psycho? What is wrong with me??? My boyfriend and I dated for like a week, but I had no feelings for him whatsoever, and I didn't even feel bad for breaking up with him. I started talking to someone new, and I told my ex boyfriend that I started to talk to someone new so he had to finally let go, that stirred up a whole new big problem between me and him. Well, after talking to this new guy, I started talking to someone else as well, only this time the guy on the side has a kid! I don't know what is up with me, or is it my decisions? I would talk to my friends and family about all of this, but in the end i always come out to be someone who falls for guys to easily, or I'm a b*tch. Have my past relationships finally caught up to me that I just can't trust anyone or let anyone get too close to me? I don't know what to do at this point, and I am not sure if at this point I should just give up on relationships in general, or if I should give it a break, and if I do, how do I isolate myself from the dating scene?? Anyway, any bit of advice would be nice and greatly appreciated, thank you.
View related questions:
a break, best friend, broke up, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I never thought about it this way, It has helped me definitely open my eyes to realize that I have to focus on myself
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 Basically you are jumping from one guy to another, taking your baggage from the last relationship into the next, and they are all WAY too close together. You are not giving yourself enough time in between relationships to adjust and get over the last one, you are filling in the gap with a new guy almost immediately. And dont come back and tell me you take it slow with some and just 'talk' to them - because that is still part of the problem. Once you come out of a relationship, regardless of how long it lasted, you need time to be on your own not talking to any guys AT ALL!
I am not going to answer your questions on the individual guys, because there are too many and frankly I am confused about them all.
But what is very clear is that you have never given yourself any time to get over any of your ex's and you havent been properly single since you were 15 - that is really not good!!!
So are you crazy? No, many girls are like you and are simply looking for the right guy so they keep throwing themselves back into relationships, and they simply dont stop to think that actually they are doing more harm than good.
What do you need to do now? STOP DATING!! Do not talk to any guys, do not date anyone, dont interact with any men at all in a way that may be deemed flirting.....literally nothing. Go cold turkey on men. For you this needs to be a minimum of 2-3 months complete cold turkey, then maybe you can 'talk' to a guy after that but I would still recommend remaining single for at least 6 months, ideally 1 year.
Yes this is a long time, but you are still very young and you dont need to be in a relationship right now, there is no rush. You as a person will have changed a lot since 15, yet you have not been single long enough to actually get to know the person you have become. You spend all your time looking for a man, trying to find someone you have feelings for - but the reason why you are not sucessful is because you dont have any feelings for yourself!
How do you expect someone to love you and treat you right if you dont love yourself or treat yourself right? Take time out from men to rediscover yourself (so to speak). Pick up old hobbies you used to enjoy, start new hobbies. Do the things you have always wanted to do. Set yourself a list of things you want to do before you (die, are 30...etc) and aim to cross one of those off your list in the next 6 months. See friends more often and make plans with them for the future. Spend more time with family. Volunteer and do something good (this could be with animals, for people....etc). Learn about you - what makes you tick? What do you want from life? What makes you happy? What do you hate? What makes you laugh? What makes you cry? Where do you see yourself in 5 years/10 years?
Learn about you, learn to love yourself and your own company (this takes time, being alone can be scary for a while). Once you have reached a point where you are 100% comfortable in your own company and are 100% happy with no guys at all in your life, then that is when you are ready for a relationship.
And one final thing - cut ALL of your ex's out of your life once and for all. It seems like as soon as you meet someone new thoughts of your ex's creep back in - so you need rid of all of them before you can move forward. Clearly none of these guys were right for you, so there is no point in clinging onto the past. Delete them off Facebook, delete their phone numbers....get rid of all photos...any reminder get rid of it. These men are your past and they cant make you happy, so remove them from the present and you might actually start to move forward. Keeping them in your life is only holding you back, so its time to let go.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
