A
female
age
30-35,
*rustyklown
writes:Hello, I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 21. We have been doing a sort of open relationship for about the last 5 months. He has only been with one other girl and it was just a mindless hookup, dont care. In our particular arrangement, I told him I really don't want to know about when he has sex with another girl, because although its great to be honest, I just don't want to think about it. He told me about this one just because he was making a point that that was the only time he has even done it while we're together. Both of us have been seriously hurt in past relationships, that is why we both wanted an open relationship so that it wouldn't be this huge heartbreak or whatever. We have grown to become exceptionally affectionate and serious lately and I really, truly care about him and being with him. He is my BEST friend and I have never laughed so hard with another guy.Yesterday, I saw on his facebook chat that this girl was all hitting him up and flirting with him and wanting him to come over, and instead of saying "oh no, Im with my girl right now, I cant" he say something else and avoids the fact that he has me (even though, with our set-up, he could hook up) I just DONT want to SEE IT or KNOW about it. And I have just been overwhelmed with jealousy and hurt today and yesterday because of it, and I can't get over it.I am tired of being hurt by this open relationship situation although I do not want to end it with him because we are such great friends as well. It would not be the same if we decided to just be friends, we have a special intimacy. My best girlfriend V, is also best friends with him, so it is this whole set of 3 besties with us and I ALSO don't want to fuck that up. Do I just need to get over my feelings of jealousy and just keep going? V says that she is sad that she has to hear me complain about it and be sad about him and that maybe I should just end it. This is so hard. Advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 February 2012):
 Alcoholism - the presence in the relationship changes everything.
if he is an alcoholic then that is a risk factor for you - it means he is not in full control of his life - and everthing he touches is instead hampered by his addiction to alcohol.
Step back and give him some tough love. Tell him to join Alcoholics Anonymous and get his problem under control.
It would be affecting him, and hence the relationship.
Maybe you could consider joining the AA network for family and friends of an alcoholic to better support him.
But you and he cannot just stumble alone with things as they are.
Alcoholism is the Elephant in the Room when it comes to the creation of an unhealthy relationship.
Something has to change, to ensure things improve.
Regards
Abella
A
female
reader, krustyklown +, writes (5 February 2012):
krustyklown is verified as being by the original poster of the question OP here: First of all, I didn't want the title to be "maybe I should just end it!" because those aren't my immediate feelings.
I'm just not sure what to do still... I will need to think about this because he would not even be the best candidate for a long term boyfriend because he is an alcoholic. But maybe I just need to not even think that way either if he is a good guy.
And I was the one who suggested an open relationship in the first place, just to be clear.
You guys are probably right, this open relationship has the same potential for heartbreak, if not just a more confusing and painful version of the same thing. UGH....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 January 2012):
 I think you liked the "idea" of an open relationship, but in honesty, you don't really WANT an open relationship. You genuinely like this guy and want him all to yourself, so why not admit it and own up to it?
Talk to him.
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A
female
reader, AbigailBradbury  +, writes (29 January 2012):
 Ok so let me get the right...
You thought an open relationship would mean you didn't have the heartbreak of getting too intimate?
And now you're beginning to fall for this guy (from what i can tell) , and you're getting hurt by the relationship being open.
Think you've learnt a lesson here love.
Open relationships are in no way easier!!
If you don't want a relationship then just date casually, but it seems you are ready for a relationship now.
Explain to him how you feel and that you don't want to share him.
And why should you share him!? if he's your boyfriend.
you need to hit the nail on the head and find out what exactly he wants.
If he can't commit to just one girl (You)
then you need to get rid.
don't let yourself become a doormat.
At the moment, he's getting the intimacy from other girls, while still having you as a girlfriend and best friend.
He knows he's getting the best of both worlds.
He's a guy and you're playing the game men love.
To have everything.
but it's always us that ends up getting hurt.
Fair enough,you may not agree with what I'm saying and you might decide to carry on as you are, because you're making him "happy",
but you will get hurt.
And you'll regret letting yourself do this.
Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 January 2012):
Your feelings for him have deepened since the start of the relationship and so this change has triggered your feelings of jealousy.
He may not be ready yet to give up on an open relationship, though he may consider it.
whereas I do not sense that you want anyone else but him.
Sit down with him and explore whether he too has felt his feelings for you deepen.
Explain how you feel jealousy and that you no longer want to share him, that you are hoping for an exclusive relationship.
With luck he may already be sick of the open relationship too.
And then work through the possibility of making your relationship just you and him and no one else.
But if he is not willing to give up on the open relationship then you do have a problem. Sure you could get some counselling to cope with the alienation and jealousy you feel when he is with another girl.
If he will not give up on being able to play the field, and you cannot deal with the jealousy then sadly the situation may become untenable for you and a break up may become inevitable.
Try to work it out with him first. And I really hope it does work out
Regards
Abella
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