A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I hate sex, masturbation, porn and sex toys. I even despise human touch and being social, including relationships. I'm very happy being single being alone by myself, but my family and therapist pressures me to date and socialize, which angers me. I have been bullied and assaulted a lot in the past, and I have sexual trauma, tied by chronic PTSD I was raped when I was 20 yrs old, I was molested by school bullies in the 3rd grade, and my ex fiance was a pedophile. When I tell people this and I hate sex, they call me a feminazi with the same excuse: "you'll meet someone"I really don't know anymore. Am I old fashioned and going frigid?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): Hello there...sorry for what you going through and I know things can get better, although it seems impossible.Self-isolation after abuse is normal. You retreat into yourself out of feelings of shame and embarrassment. It is a way of protecting and healing yourself. You can come though it.As you have experienced numerous levels of physical and sexual assault and then shock and trauma that your ex fiancé was a pedophile (horrifying) - all these areas are sexually and physically based - the BODY. Physical contact has been forced, painful and shameful. Someone you were close to was physically involved with children. It would normal reaction that something (sex) which was used as a weapon upon you (not by your free will choice, or your desire) would be rejected. Sex has harmed you. People have imposed their will on your body. Your choice didn't count. You are angry this happened. Angry you couldn't stop it. Angry at sex and thereby rejecting sex you take control of that thing that hurt you. Sex.However, it wasn't sex in and of itself that hurt you. It was disgusting, inhuman psychopaths.Now...love and sex are wonderful experiences between people, when there is love and trust. Like anything on earth, it how people feel about something.When you say to people you hate sex, they are not qualified therapists and not able to talk it through with you. All they can do is try to a) change the subject 2) glibly re-assure you and change the subject c) insult you - you've got a problem and change the subject.People who care about you would like you to re-enter the world and begin to trust. Trusting is a tough one. I know someone who used a double-negative to align to trust - 'I trust that I don't trust anyone'. It kind of helped her. There is nothing wrong with you. Everything you are experiencing is normal and your healing will come at your own pace. Have faith. it will get better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): Thank you all for responding to my question. I've recently found some Rape/Sexual Abuse Survivors sites online and I hope they can help me out. I've also started listening to various ASMR videos on YouTube, and they're helping me out tremendously. This year for me was a year of healing. Who knows next year what will be in store for me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2017): I'm sorry for what you went through. Even though I haven't experienced so much abuse, the little I have has seriously influenced (damaged) my sex life. And I had to invest so much energy and time into overcoming these problems, I know how scary it can get. What you're doing right now is taking back the control that had been repeatedly taken away from you. You cutting yourself from everyone and everything is the ultimate expression of control over your own life. I get that. I really do. Maybe you feel safer (which can be a wonderful feeling after all the fears) in the world that you've created but you do not sound at peace, because your nightmares are still there with you in different forms (anxiety, PTSD...).Life is so rich and there are so many ways to live it. I know your friends/family love you and mean well when they try to impose some traditional quick-fix solutions. It's the "impose" part that's bothersome. It feels as if they do not really understand how deeply you were hurt. But wounds also show us that we have survived. We change every day. There always potential to guide that change in a positive direction. Set your own pace. Find an environment you feel safe in. People you feel safe with. Maybe someone who has survived abuse, like you. Is there a support group you could visit and maybe even join? Meditation classes can be very helpful. You can start by finding some on Youtube and stay at home before you decide to maybe join a group. Group meditation is a powerful experience. Do you like animals? Would you be comfortable volunteering at a shelter?If you feel that you need to find another therapist, by all means do! Have you worked with specialized therapists, sex therapists...? Not all therapists are an excellent match for sexual abuse survivors. On top of that, when you find someone who specializes in that field, it's not a guarantee that you will work well together. It's a hit and miss process. It takes time. I would like to say how much I admire you for speaking up. I never told my parents about the fact that I had been abused. I've never told my friends. I never told my boyfriends, not that they were many. It took me years to say something to my husband, even though he told me right from the start that he had been raped by a mature woman when he was 15 years old. And it was hard for him to tell me that because it's very difficult for men to describe how it is possible to be raped by a woman. I watched him struggle and yet I kept my mouth shut. And felt horrible. Because I didn't want to admit that I too was abused and damaged. I kept saying that they all (my parents, friends, boyfriends, my husband) needed me to be strong/perfect. In reality I needed me to be strong and perfect and that in return has affected some other parts of my life. So me deciding to artificially control the narrative of my life has done so much damage. When I couldn't go on anymore from all the depression and anxiety I found a therapist. It took me a while to tell him that I was abused. But when I finally did, I started breathing again and really wanted to get better. It is possible. It takes time. It teaches you to be kinder to yourself, to love yourself. Once you start on that journey of healing hurtful words won't be able to touch you. You'll know that the only person who matters is you and the only moment that matters is right now.Stay strong!
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male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (30 October 2017):
You prefer being single and reclusive but I don't see you being "very happy" about it, as you've stated. You just prefer to avoid anything regarding sex or relationships.
All of us are happier when we are in a good relationship but that isn't possible under your current state of mind. At this point, dating would be a disaster for you and wouldn't be fair to the other person. Your situation would only build upon itself and worsen.
As for turning things around, you are not responding to your current therapist, who you say angers you and probably perpetuates the situation by doing so. I suggest you make a change there. Also, I would search the internet for discussions and advice regarding situations like yours. Perhaps something will click. You deserve all the happiness you can get, so go for it.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 October 2017):
Those are some very bad series of events. There are people who suffer from severe anxiety and have your symptoms without any bad experiences in their past, so you can imagine their pain! It must have been hard getting to this point. If you don't feel like your therapist is making any progress it would be fine to change therapists. Keep in mind that people just want to see you happy, but they aren't going to necessarily understand everything you went through. You can't totally fault them for that but they mean well, besides the labeling.
There's nothing wrong with hating those sort of things, you do deserve to be happy like others. One day I hope you find peace in yourself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 October 2017):
 I don't think this has got anything to do with being old fashioned or frigid, - just with the mental health issues you are afflicted by, with no fault of yours, as a consequence of the trauma and the abuse you have been going through. It makes sense that they may have left deep wounds, that they would give a very special , although skewed , perception of sexual and social relationships, and that it may take some time for you to heal .
I see that you are undergoing therapy already, as it is surely advisable in cases like yours. While, TBH, personally I am surprised that your therapist would pressure you to date , which in your current conditions does not sound to a layman like the best possible advise- then again, if you trust your therapist and have benefited so far from his/ her help - well, what's the point of going to see a therapist if then you are not going to do what they prescribe. Like, not all meds are easy to take and not all cures are painless- but some times , if you want to heal, you also have to swallow very bitter , distasteful medicines.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 October 2017):
 When people (in general) say I "hate" this or that it's rare that people actually HATE XYZ - in your case, I can see why sex just isn't something you are into. I don't think I'd be a fan either.
However isolating yourself is not helping you overcome the trauma. Not saying you should go meet MEN for sex or relationships but I DO think friendships can help us all.
For you to not want anything to do with sex doesn't make you a "feminazi" it makes you scared of repeating the past, it makes you a victim. The "feminazi" thing is said (IMHO) by ignorant people who are making the presumption that you HATE sex and thus MUST hate men and lump ALL men into one big group of predators. Doesn't mean they are right.
The reason your therapist wants you to "reenter" society is for you to overcome having been a victim and become a survivor. Right now, isolating yourself is how you deal with the trauma. Maybe your therapist feels you are ready? However, if YOU don't feel ready then you are not ready.
I'm sorry for what you went through. It's horrible to know that there are people like that out there. There are also good people out there. And you CAN have a good life despite what you went through. I'd suggest your therapist helps you connect with other rape survivors I think that might help YOU and THEM. Maybe talking to others who have been through similar things is more helpful?
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (30 October 2017):
Well noone can make you have a relationship, so you don't have to worry about that, it's ok to be happy on your own. However when you list your past traumas as supplementary evidence as to why you hate sex and touching it implies you have been somehow damaged by these experiences and others will see you being only recovered or fixed when you can enjoy these things again.Why not simply state that you are content as you are. That happy being single rather in the negative terms you are- hating sex and touching. Don't be too hard on others for wanting these things for you- they only want for you what gives them comfort and joy. Don't give up on others- there can be great companionship without sex and to share things in life with others normally makes them sweeter. I know nothing about you beyond what you have written but challenge yourself about your conclusions. Have you chosen solitude so that noone can challenge your point of view, your choices,so that no one can get close enough to hurt you again? If that is the case, rather than the fact your prefer solitude then ask yourself if being alone will eventually become lonely. Getting close to others, trusting them is scary and can frequently hurt. Many others think it's worth it for the rewards it brings, love, intimacy, companionship, and the fact that as a pair you are a team that can accomplish more than two individuals. If you don't feel the rewards are for you, then thankfully noone can make you pair up. You should just talk about it the single life positively,not it terms of what you hate.
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