A
male
age
,
*armony4future
writes:How would you act?I have a wonderful woman, lovely, sexy, intelligent. She knows how to please me, she has a lot of love in her, she is honest. We are a few years together and have still an intensive sexlife, what we both need. We have a good spiritual connection. I am relative dominant but also very lovely, she can follow but I respect her of course.We like the same kind of food, we like to travel, to dance, we go to bed at the same time, we sleep in each others arms etc, and we also have about same ideas about helping people. (almost same age, 7 years diff) The perfect couple, isn’t.She is from south America, had a relative good life there and came to Holland for the ‘real love’, we both were convinced that we found what we were looking for.But my problem is that my feelings are disappearing, why?Respect, less harmony, isolation. When we are with my family or friends she is not really trying to make a conversation what I really do not like. Family is family and they are very lovely for her but you must be a friend to gain and deserve friends, it is not your right, her way of acting is resulting into isolation for her but also for me.I am working a lot, between 60 and 80 hours a week, also a lot from the home and if I have to travel and stay over a night, she is coming together with me.The first year she was sleeping till 12.00 or 13.00- but we were so much in love and I was thinking that she has to get used to live here and she will start to take initiative soon. (in the meantime she start to paint and she has really talent.) I am happy that she found a passion. But she is not taking any initiative, I have to organize every little detail.She is strong jealous, when I just look 1 second to another woman on the street, we have a big problem. When I look to something else and there is woman that I did not see, we have a problem.Inside our home everything is ok, but when we come out of the door, we have too often some conflicts.(I am not acting the way she expects and visaversa).She goes to Dutch lessons, every week I drive 2x 120km to bring and take her and she is not really studying, if you want to live here and have a social life, than is my opinion that you also have to make some efforts and one is learning the language.I love here so much and she can be so incredible lovely, but I am afraid for the future that my passion feelings are disappearing more and I need also a social life.She is very positive and convinced that the real love can heal everything. I know that I also need the strong real love but I cannot live in isolation. She is really loving me so much and I do not want to hurt her, at this moment I realize that I start to make difficulties about the little things and I must control myself. I also realize that if we end our relation, I will be so sad for a while.I start to feel that we have need for love and passion in common, but if this is enough...
View related questions:
jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, harmony4future +, writes (16 September 2009):
harmony4future is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Female anonymous,Thanks for taking the time to react.I might have given the idea that I did not talk about situations or issues for 2 years, but I did.I'm even very clear but in a diplomatic and lovely way, not in a fighting style. It seems that she only understand when I shout or explode. This is not my way.About learning a language, ofcourse it's more difficult to learn a language, but without efforts... My intuition is relative strong and my intuition is telling me that she is not really happy here although she denies. She is telling me that she love me so much and cannot live without and future this and future that.Only because she is also very special for me and very lovely we are still together.But my intuition is telling me that or she is not really happy here (if I suggest to move tomorrow to Brasil she will be so happy), or her past was too heavy that she had to take care and take responsibility too much what could have been too heavy for her and is now recovering with me.One of things I learned from the life, trust on your intuition (and not on the words from the other person), and that is what I will do.Thanks All that happens in our life is with a reason, just see the reason why, see the eye-opener and learn from it
A
male
reader, harmony4future +, writes (16 September 2009):
harmony4future is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Female anonymous,Thanks for taking the time to react.I might have given the idea that I did not talk about situations or issues for 2 years, but I did.I'm even very clear but in a diplomatic and lovely way, not in a fighting style. It seems that she only understand when I shout or explode. This is not my way.About learning a language, ofcourse it's more difficult to learn a language, but without efforts... My intuition is relative strong and my intuition is telling me that she is not really happy here although she denies. She is telling me that she love me so much and cannot live without and future this and future that.Only because she is also very special for me and very lovely we are still together.But my intuition is telling me that or she is not really happy here (if I suggest to move tomorrow to Brasil she will be so happy), or her past was too heavy that she had to take care and take responsibility too much what could have been too heavy for her and is now recovering with me.One of things I learned from the life, trust on your intuition (and not on the words from the other person), and that is what I will do.Thanks All that happens in our life is with a reason, just see the reason why, see the eye-opener and learn from it
...............................
A
male
reader, harmony4future +, writes (15 September 2009):
harmony4future is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Bitterblue,
I admire your empathy and the way you express.
I am not the person to make lists etc, acting and reacting should come from the heart and not calculated.
Before we started a relation we spoke a lot what we both expected from a relation, one of the things was harmony, another was initiative, and so many more...
I will talk more, and will try hard finding the words to express myself as clear and lovely as possible.
Thanks a lot
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): "And I am sure that she can do it, she was writing for a newspaper, she had her own shop, she had a responsible job but here she is relying for everything, but really everthing on me."This you wrote. To me this is where the issue lies. You have expectations of her that she is not fulfilling. You know that she is capable of it, you know that she is intelligent. To me it sounds as if you are not respecting her and her intelligence. If she is as bright and clever as you say, I am positive she is well aware of how the situation is, and probably as little happy about it as you are. But you must remember, moving to a whole other country, needing to learn a new language, all these new changes, she hasnt done that before. Its is life altering. Sounds like over a year or two have passed already though. But learning a new language gets harder and harder as you get older. It has been proven. She might never fully learn it or speak it fluently.I suggest that you ask her how she feels about the situation now, and tell her that you miss the old her, the woman who was strong and owned her own shop, taking initiative, being engaged in local issues (she wrote for the newspaper, so I assume she is passionate about the community). She needs to get active! That is for sure. It is perfectly logical that you are not to be taking care of her like if she was a baby. She needs to take part in the household. You need to split the chores. If you work and she doesnt make an income, she should be doing the washing, shopping, cleaning up, making dinner. Fact of the matter is: she doesnt contribute to the household. Maybe that fact is something that is holding her back too. Maybe she's not feeling at home there yet, maybe she's still feeling like she's just on a long visit.So have a serious talk with her! You have waited for years now for her to take initiative, you have been nothing but patient. There are things she can do even when she doesnt not speak the language fluently. Find out about these things and talk to her about splitting the chores at the house!Best of luck, I hope things work out. You two love each other, and like she thinks: love can overcome hardships. This is an issue that I hope your love will help you overcome.
...............................
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Maybe one problem is this - express your concerns on a more serious note to her, tell her that since she is at home for a longer time, it is only fair that she should be much more responsible for the maintenance of the household work and you will help her sometimes, revearsing roles. I imagine you come home all tired from work and it's harder for you to then start picking up what she left untidied. I think it's reasonable for the person who works at home and at her own pace being her own boss, to be more involved with the household duties. Do some planning, be specific and stick to it, leave her lists of things to do especially when out shopping, etc.Maybe when you tell her how her lack of initiatives affects your feelings she will pull herself up and be more balanced, do more around the house and realise what is going on. About your friends, maybe she doesn't feel they have things in common? Have you tried to praise them to her and vice-versa, as that is one thing that can bring people closer. I don't like that she acts horrible when you are "not gentle enough", this is quite immature. Your situation is hard enough even without these problems of her being spiteful and jealous and the rest. I think all that you say does question the possibility of a future together, so unless you can both work at bettering the situation, your frustrations will grow and in the end burst into something nasty. Unfortunately sometimes living together can put you face to face with a stranger... when you realise you knew less than you thought about each other. Her oversleeping sounds strange to me, could it be she realises herself you are not doing as great as planned and is experiencing some sort of depression? I expect it's not pure lazyness. I just found that roughly 15% of people with depression sleep too much.
...............................
A
male
reader, harmony4future +, writes (14 September 2009):
harmony4future is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Katlego,
Thanks for your reaction.
In my long answer to bitterblue you will read that our relation was not just for fun. We have been really so much in love with each other.
I think that everthing what happens in our life, is happening with a reason. Understanding the meaning of the situations is 1 step and doing something with it is the next step.
For the moment I am still trying to understand what why, to make the best conclusions.
...............................
A
male
reader, harmony4future +, writes (14 September 2009):
harmony4future is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBitter blue,
Thanks for your long answer.
There are no problems with my close family, they accept and are so lovely.
My thing is that she is intelligent enough, she can talk hours with her friends, but she is not trying to make a connection with my friends. Or she is acting horrible out together with very lovely and nice friends because because I was not acting gentle enough. (I am somebody who opens the door, offers a chair etc but sometimes I am forgetting).
I really started this realation with a long-term goal (we both did), and looking for harmony(we both).
You are right that she should come more outside, but even it's me who is doing the shoppings, don't think that I did not offered her and made clear that she can do this.
I have loved her with all my heart (never I would have accept a woman who is not really working and I need to work 60 hours and also do the wash, shoppings and other household work, while she is at home and improving here artist work.)
I made a simple website (my first website) for her art-work but the last 3 months I had no time and nothing has changed, not any action initiative from her side).
This lack of initiative has killed my passion for her. You can bring a horse to the water, but not make it drinking the water.
And I am sure that she can do it, she was writing for a newspaper, she had her own shop, she had a responsible job but here she is relying for everything, but really everthing on me.
I tried to change it, I told my frustrations but it is not changing.
Is it my intuition, feed with situations, wispering in my ears that we have no long-term future as a couple or this something temporary?
...............................
A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (14 September 2009):
Yes, "almost" the perfect couple, I was wondering what your problem was after such a positive preamble. Do make her aware to these problems, if you haven't already. I don't see anything that can't be made better, as long as that is what you both truly wish. What I mostly dislike is the jealousy issue, this is a sign of insecurity from her part and you shouldn't even tolerate the jealuosy outbursts, especially that these conflicts occur outside of your home? You should come to an agreement that she relieve her feelings at home where you can properly discuss, and not make a scene while you're outdoors. She must see these situations are wearying, especially if frequent so I'm not surprised that you feel tired.As for the language, some are faster learners than others. Could you review the course with her at home too? Or agree that you talk in Dutch more frequently. It might be genuinly harder for her to win your family over if she is not very good at socialising, feeling and acting in social gatherings and the alike. So if you decide you can't come to terms with this, it's your right. I presume until she has a better grasp of the language you can translate to your family what she says. Tell her to put in more effort too, see what changes. Also, maybe it's because you work so many hours while she doesn't, that she is feeling bored as well. What if she had something else to do, and I'm not thinking about her sitting at home, painting. She needs to make more contact with other people, and maybe that would automatically lead to an improved Dutch and a higher desire to learn, if there are more situations for her to practise what she is being taught, so maybe search for a job, or if that is not possible yet, you can maybe estimate how this plays a part here. I have a feeling it does play a part. A job would also force her to wake up earlier. Now, if you were to travel to another country with so much free time on your hands and of all the free time only so much you would spend with your partner while the rest of the time you would sit between four walls, painting, how would that be? Maybe it sounds like an excuse or is an excuse indeed, but what you have planned isn't an easy task, a long distance relationship suddenly turned into one where you are living together; you are obviously experiencing some difficulties, one partner has to adapt to the different lifestyle and rules, language, civilization, I don't think this is easy for either of you, what does she think about all these? It must be hard to make a radical decision after you have gone through all this trouble of moving together. What is left to see, you will see, think if you can apply some more handy solutions for now before anything else.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): dude i think you need to take some time alone andd start to think if you really need this relationship or your just in for fun, and if you do realize that you need it try to work on it,to me it seems as if you to love each other
...............................
|
