A
female
age
30-35,
*ollowtheblackrabbit
writes:my bf is 36, I am 21. he was my first and at first it was exciting. but I have only been able to come once in our 2yr time together...Now, he does little foreplay and goes right in. Hard and fast. Done. He has stamina and no problem getting/staying erect, but his style doesn't do much for me and sometimes is just painful. I tried talking to him about him but it didn't get through. I wonder if this was the way he and his ex were intimate. Or if he thinks that is what women like. I don't want to criticize but though I am still attracted to him,I just can't look forward to intimacy anymore. I fantasize constantly about a man from work and I hate that because it feels wrong. But, besides the sex, there are f***ed up things he does. He wants me to be open with him but doesn't tell me simple s**t like when he's going away or expecting family members. Then, when I go away, he gets pissed. My "passion" is steadily cooling. I can go on...I thought of breaking-up but I wonder if my reasons are "enough" after two years invested. We still do have nice times together. What can I do?
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (19 February 2012):
 You have been together 2 years and you only had one orgasm. Think about that for second. That's a really sad situation to be in. And if sex is painful, why the hell are you going through with it? For him, to please him? Why? He is not doing anything to please you, nor does he care. I mean you talked to him about it, but has he increased the time for foreplay for you? Has he stopped his sexual style that does nothing for you? No, he hasn't, so why the hell are you concerned about his satisfaction? If he was not an asshole, he would think to himself: wow, I have only given her one orgasm. I think I should try working on pleasing her more and do what she likes instead on always focusing on getting off myself. But he isn't doing that, is he?He is 36 and set in his ways. This is why I always advise against young women to be with older men. They have more experience and they often tend to not listen to what the other person has to say. He wants and does what he wants with you sexually and you have to report to him while he can do whatever he pleases. He's too selfish and too stubborn to budge, which is why your relationship will never work out. Just because you've been with him for 2 years doesn't mean you should not leave. This type of thinking is silly. Unhappiness and dissatisfaction ARE reasons worth leaving any time. So imagine if you don't leave now and hang around longer....will you say " I don't know if it's worth leaving him for because I have been with him for 3,4,5,10 years?" You're wasting time on him and if the time you spend together is such a strong indicator of whether or not you'll leave, why on earth would you want to increase that number?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): I think you have been very patient to put up with that sort of sex life for so long. Because you were inexperienced when he met you, he probably thinks you know no different, so its ok to treat you to the very basic, rudimentary sex act all the time. As for it being painful, well hes not thinking about you at all...its not love making, he is just using you for sex. And that will become oppressive over time. Its little wonder that you are starting to day dream about another guy. Maybe you need to talk to your partner in no uncertain terms and explain enough is enough. If he is not prepared to be a little more gentle and take your wishes into account, then you dont HAVE to sleep with him. Value yourself if you want him to value you. He probably was this way with his ex. That could be one of the reasons she is now his ex. As for never explaining what he is doing but expecting full reports from you. He sounds more like an owner rather than a partner! Again, you dont have to fall in with his demands, you can either explain yourself or tell him your business is private sometimes. You cant make him tell you what he is doing all the time. But by the same token, you dont have to explain your every movement to him. It sounds as if this guy is dragging you down. You dont have to put up with it just because you have done so for the past couple of years, you are growing older and learning what you want from love and life. If this guy isnt one of the things you want, then move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): don't have sex.. he will get the message.
some men tend to objectify you and treat you like a possession.. (plus he is older than you which makes it even more plausible) - hence his behavior (as in not giving you explanations- not sharing stuffs with you)
Unless you stand up to him he will see you as a possession only.
Do not have sex with him at all.. tell him you are not into it.. he should get the message...
If he changes his way.. then maybe you can give it another chance.. but I say you be on the look out for someone better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): Forget about the excuse of there being 'time' invested in this relationship. He sounds like he doesn't care about you enough and you mentioning that he doesn't let you know when he is leaving, or even attempt to be intimate is really bad! Time to wake up! You've only known him but don't base all guys on this guy, go out and find what you are looking for! A guy who is there for you, open and honest and wants YOU to have as much enjoyment in the relationship as him! Relationshps are equal, don't just lie there and let him do what he wants, stand up for being a woman and equal rights! :) You're not from the 50s you're in 2012! Him being backwards is a reflection of him and you staying with him is a reflection of you, get the guy you actually want, have the life you actually want, not some frustrating excuse of a guy. I feel sorry for his next girlfriend, you were naive but clearly you are already too mature for him
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A
male
reader, need2know4life +, writes (18 February 2012):
What was it like for you having someone more experienced and you being new at it? I would get rid of him unless he starts to change. He needs to listen to you and give you what you want. It will take time for him to change. Some guys like it fast and hard. They can be taught but you most be patient. I hope that he is not taking you for granted knowing that he is your first. Guys can be dogs. Bottom line you need respect and he needs to listen to your needs. Give him a few more chances and then say no more sex if he does not change to give you what you need.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 February 2012):
 "I wonder if this was the way he and his ex were intimate" Probably. And she was probably complaining about it as well. "Or if he thinks that is what women like" I think he knows this isn't what women like.. although that's generalizing. Maybe some women do, and you can not speak on behalf of all women. But he probably does know that this isn't what YOU like.
Your boyfriend is a lazy selfish lover. Sorry. They're not worth keeping, not if you value great sex in a relationship anyway. I promise you it doesn't have to be like this. I was in a relationship with a man who I had amazing sex with through the entirety of the relationship. The sex was so great that even after we broke up we still had amazing sex, which made it hard to move on. But anyway, what I'm saying is that either you are a giver in bed or you aren't. If you are a giver then you continue to give and give, no matter how many years go by.
If he's on the lazy side now then don't expect him to suddenly be a giver later on. He wont. He'll continue like this, and you'll be doomed to crappy sex for as long as you stay with him. You tried to talk to him, he doesn't listen. You gave him a chance, he doesn't care.
There's no need to have "enough" reasons to break up. Wanting to end things IS enough reason. You don't need to convince anyone that you should break up. You don't feel like being with him any longer. That's reason enough. You don't even need to share with anyone the reasons for why you chose to end things, those are personal and private reasons that you can keep to yourself. So if anyone asks just say "it's between him and I" or "it came to the point where I realized we should go our separate ways".
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2012):
 Honestly, I don't see him as being an investment in the future, because unless you can get through to him about the sex and his double standards, he will NOT change. So YOU will be stuck with a guy who (pardon my English here) fu@ks but have no idea how to actually MAKE LOVE to a woman. Yo will end up having low libido because all you get a wham-bam (not even a thank you Ma'am) which in the long run is NOT very satisfying for a woman. (been there done that, yawn).
He expects you to "report" to him about where you go and who you see, but he will bugger off and do his own thing whenever he pleases? Double standard. Does that seem fair?
I would look at those 2 years as a learning experience, not as an investment in the future. Can you imagine being with him in 2-5 years if he keeps being the way he is?
However, leave the dude you work with alone. You don't want to eat where you crap kind of thing. Work romance is often more drama then actual romance. The reason you are finding the guy from work interesting is because you are emotionally detaching from your BF. Think about it.
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