A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am 47 and my boyfriend of five years is 60. We had a wonderful relationship and I know he loves me very much. He recenlty started pulling back without explanation. He then told me he didn't think he cared as much as he use to. We broke up and over the next couple of weeks I heard from him more than ever. He cried and said he missed me, loved me more than anyone and yet I found he had started dating a 40 year old woman after we broke up. While he has been dating her he comes to me and breaks down crying saying he knows he is making a mistake. His daughter called me and said he came to her and for the first time in her life she saw her father cry. She told me that he loves me and doesn't know what he is doing. He tells me he has to figure this out on his own but does not want to lose me. He also told me he is not in love with the other person. I am turned upside down and have no clue what to make out of this. I don't know what to do and feel like time would be one thing, but dating another woman is over the line. Please give me an outsiders take on what could be happening and what I should do.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (19 February 2012):
If this was a sudden and drastic personality change I would actually be concerned that there is a medical or psychiatric basis for it. e.g. head injuries or the long term effects of some kinds of medications can have the effect of altering someone's personality.
if he only suddenly became so unstable, indecisive, over-emotional, I would look into whether there's a medical cause.
it could also be that he's always been near the edge of being this unstable but hiding it, and only now when there are more stressors then did he reach his threshold of being able to hold his life together.
Another possibility is that he may have been cheating on you with her, before you two broke up. When people start cheating, they often withdraw from their partners due to their guilt. This could explain his sudden pulling back towards the end of your relationship. He could have been cheating on you with her, then you broke up, then he made his relationship with her official, but it didn't quite work out the way he wanted, and now he's torn between whether he wants to go back to you or stay with her.
I don't think you should stay with him if this is really hurting you but out of a sense of obligation to stand by him. You stand by someone who is still "with" you, if you know what I mean. You don't stand by someone who isn't even decided on whether he wants to kick you out of his life or not.
Break up with him and let him sort out his life on his own. If in the future you're still available and he's got his life sorted out and wants to be with you, then you can consider getting back together with him.
A
female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (19 February 2012):
Well did he know her before you broke up? I would guess he did, even if he wasn't 'seeing' her. He claims he doesn't love her, so why is he with her? Answer: sex/fling.
It might be true that he doesn't love her, so he wants you to wait around for him while he has this fling. Or he is trying to keep you as a back up option if this doesn't work out.
If he's genuinely not in love with this woman and doesn't even know what he's doing, he would have left her by now or be seriously thinking about it. So it sort of proves he's either lying to you, or only in it for sex with the other woman. Both of which don't suggest something positive about his personality. I think it's a little too convenient that he got into another relationship so quickly.
He doesn't need to figure anything out on his own - I suspect he already knows what he is doing. Moving an hours drive away isn't enough reason for a midlife crisis and unless there's some other major problem you haven't mentioned, becoming a grandparent is a positive experience which he could have enjoyed with you.
So personally I'd say leave him and move on. There's no point in waiting around for someone who would treat you like this. If he's really just confused (which I doubt) then this guy has some serious commitment issues and you might want to consider, if he wants to get back together, why he's changed and wouldn't do something like this again. Changing behaviours like this become harder with age.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): Sounds like he's playing silly games, if a man of 60 doesn't know what he wants he's got problems.He's made his bed now.
I don't know why his daughters getting involved either, unless she's worried he will end up living at hers cos you don't want him.
I think the ball is in your court, its you who has to say enoughs enough, tell him to leave you well alone. Then YOU move on.
The grass can only be greener for you x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both. I know for a fact that he didn't start seeing her until after the break up. His Daughter thinks he was just looking for comfort and this woman came along during that time. We live about an hour apart and his family, friends and home are all in his area. He wanted to move out to my area and up to two weeks before this all happened we were still looking and almost purchased a home. Now he says he started feeling like he would be leaving everything he has ever known and his daughter is about to have his first grandchild. I do understand all of that, I know it's a big step, but if you only knew how good our relationship was before this all happened you would understand how crazy it is. I keep thinking he is hitting a mid-life crisis even though it's a bit late for that. I guess I should turn my back on him. I just worry that in doing so I am not being supportive of what he may be going through. I told him I would not wait for him to figure things out and I wont. It's just killing me that this man who I know it not like this, is doing this. I guess there is no answer and only time will tell what will be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): I think you guys need to have a long chat.
Talk to him about how this feels for you. Ask him those questions you need to ask. Does she know about how he feels, why aren't you enough, what is really going on in his mind, etc.
Once you have the power to ask those questions you have the power to make a call on what the situation is and how you feel inclined to act on that information.
He must be having other insecurities there which he is not talking about aswell. Maybe about life, health, family, future, who knows, but moving around in relationships and falling in love with people don't put those to rest. He needs to open up and if he isn't capable then I'm afraid it's not your responsibility to feel bad and be accepting, its sometimes called tough love. You be strong, cut him loose and force him to face those feelings.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2012):
 Tell him to shit or get of the pot.
He thought the grass was greener elsewhere ( the 40 year old) and found out that it may not be so he wants you back, but does that mean he truly cares about you? Or does he just want to go back to what he think is "safe"?
Also, I'm guessing he started dating HER before he left you. That is why he was pulling away.
It all comes down to two things, what do YOU want? And can you accept his behavior?
What happens if you DO get back together and he sees another "lawn"? I'm sorry I think at 60 he OUGHT to know what the heck he wants.
WHAT do YOU want?
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