A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Gay male in a long term relationship for 3.5 years with another gay male, similar age. For the first six months of our relationship, we had sex multiple times per week. After that it petered out and since then, we only have sex about once a month, and this is the way it's been for the past 3 years. It makes me feel like I'm unattractive.Every few months, my sexual frustration really gets to me and I end up bringing it up with him, only to have him clam up and not be able to give me a reason as to why he doesn't want sex. We then make up, have sex and then nothing happens for another month.He recently (5 months) proposed to me and I accepted, naively hoping that this would change things, however it didn't and we've just had the same conversation again today about why he doesn't want sex. He's told me he doesn't want to end things, and wants to make it work. I would love to make it work as well, as every other aspect of our relationship is perfect, but I'm tired of repeating the same scenario over and over.These past couple of months, I have started to find that I no longer crave sex with him either.To make matters worse, I have started to develop feelings for another guy who I know is interested in me also. I stayed at his the other night for beers and video games. Nothing inappropriate happened, but he makes me feel sexy and attractive again, something that I haven't felt in a long time.I'm not sure what to do anymore. Any suggestions?
View related questions:
sex drive, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2017): I am also gay. You're very young and at your sexual-peak being in your early 20's. You didn't mention your partner's age.
Gay-male relationships (particularly the young ones) are often founded very much on sex. It's not unusual to have sex the first night you meet. Another common problem is conceit, and a heavy emphasis on looks. People actually get infatuated based on your appearance, and want you strictly as a trophy. With the objective to be the gay power-couple! To flaunt your stuff on social media; and to publicized your fairy-tale romance for all gay-mankind to see and envy!
Gay men worship and idolize looks, fashion, youth, and appearance. They hail the glory of cash money; and have no shame about class-consciousness, or social-cliques! These aren't just stereotypes! After reading this, I can sense you rolled your eyes and said: "Amen to that, girlfriend!!!"
If your relationship is founded on mainly the physical or superficial; it soon wears off. I stand to correct you, there is nothing perfect in any relationship. Just aspects where things are very good. Perfection is in-achievable.
Considering your age, it is not unusual for sexual-attraction to wear-off or putter-out on the same-old dick and butt. One of the couple's interests starts to wane. One or both become physically-desensitized to sex; due to over-familiarity, or routine. Passion-spikes and fluctuations in long-term relationships are normal, and expected. Suddenly there's another cute guy on the horizon. Then convenient excuses pop-up to find fault in what you've got!
You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone, boyfriend!
Dude, seriously?!! How very predictable and cliche?!! To put it in very offensive homophobic-terms: "That's so gay!"
Men are visual-creatures by nature, and we have a hankering for a variety of sex-partners. Feelings change when the novelty wears off. In your age group, this is expected; and healthy to some extent. Selection, experimentation, and exploration are necessary in our youth. That's how we gain discernment and experience. How we determine our best match, learn to overcome/tame our aimless impulses, and subdue greediness. Promiscuity is only the path to STD's; and is a common weakness in the gay-community.
You are in the age-group when young gay men are sowing their wild oats; so relationships come in a series of fast and furious short-term romances. They often lose steam shortly after they happen. You show-up at parties, clubs, and public/pride events; to show-off your latest conquests and new boyfriends. It simply takes time to find people compatible sexually, emotionally, and have similar values. You also have to be ready to settle-down once they're found.
Maybe your relationship has run its course, or maybe not. Please stop this rampant gay gold-rush to the alter. Do not marry the guy; if you are already sniffing around somebody else. You've talked to him about sex, and he can't crank it up. So maybe he just lost interest in you sexually some time ago; but he doesn't want to give you up. He does have an ego, and doesn't like the idea of you twisting, grunting, and twirling with some other guy. He still loves you!
If you're showing signs of a roving-eye, things aren't perfect in every other aspect. If you're inventive or creative; you'd find ways to perk-up your sex-lives. Try to be more spontaneously-affectionate in different ways. You'll also reach a plateau. Don't confuse that lull as loss of attraction. It's normal. You need a cool-down sexually to focus more on the emotional and intellectual aspects of a relationship. It's also a test of endurance, and the authenticity in your feelings for each other.
If you always assume "one or the same sex-position;" and never venture to explore, say a more dominant or submissive role sexually. It becomes boring and predictable. Being the "perpetual power-bottom" and never assuming a more dominant or aggressive sexual-role, well...you get the picture. If you always want to be top-man, and treat him like your submissive little p*ssyboy. That gets old too!
Sometimes you've got to reverse sex-roles; and not always remain loyal to your brand or label...top or bottom! Be flexible, versatile, and open-minded!
When you can't talk about sex or discuss your needs with your partner; then there is no trust or meaning in a relationship. You're just two people living together and biding time until you separate. I won't waste time on a shutoff partner. *Finger-snap!!!* Move-over! Next!
That's at the top of the relationship; not in three-years deep! Most kinks should be worked-out by now. Sex will be an issue that will always arise. Ask about his health or if he has been diagnosed with HIV. Get tested together, do not settle for his word. He shouldn't protest. He should go willingly!
Give it another try. Keep your dick in your pants regarding that other guy. If everything else is "perfect;" you still have something to hold on to. Make several more attempts to find out what he needs to perk-up the love-life.
Take him to a nice quiet romantic place for a quiet and deep conversation. Don't be confrontational or show any emotional-distress. Be very warm and understanding. Then ask pertinent questions regarding his feelings. Make it about him, not you! If you'd shut-up, and actually listen; you'd be astonished at how open and candid your mate will be. If you pop-off; and get all emotional or defensive. They'll inevitably clam-up on you! You'll never get any headway.
What are you doing or not doing? What does he want more or less of? Does he love you now more than he did before? Or, does he really feel this is the best it will ever get?
Avoid cheating at all costs. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. It's easy to get a one-night stand, a trick, or a hookup. It's hard to find a guy who could share 3.5 years of his life with you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2017): The writing is on the wall. This relationship is over. You aren't attracted to him, and he doesn't have a sex drive that matches yours. You may be fabulous roommates and he's a great guy, but you two were not long-term partner material. You're young enough you can go find someone, as you've already started to do, so get out now while you are not financially intertwined. Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (31 December 2017):
 You aren't ready to settle down, so leave your current partner as gently and as soon as you can. You are still looking around and sex is still the most important thing - or at least a major thing in your life.
You should go and explore your sexuality now while you are young, but stay safe. The lessons are out there.
...............................
|
