A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, just looking for some advice please My partners family are ruining our relationship and I don't know what to do.Background info- we've been together 2 years, live together (against their wishes). I'm 25 and he's 26. I have never given them a reason to dislike me, bar the fact I'm from this country and they are not and I'm of a different religion. I've made several attempts to get to know them and i have a great relationship with my partner, bar this issue which is causing problems. My family love him to bits and treat him like a son. Basically, they refuse to acknowledge me at all. They will call him and invite him to come and eat with them knowing I'm with him and not even a mention. Never ask how I am etc They expect him to be at their beckon call, driving them around, giving them money etc. He just can't say no to them. I just sit quiet whilst our time together is constantly interrupted by them. Our finances suffering as he just hand outs to them. They don't even know where we live nevermund how much our rent is as despite serveral invitations they have made no attempt to visit.At first this wasn't a major issue as I considered this their issue not mine. Id done nothing to offend them, I love their son, I have a good job, great family, great level of education and I've tried repeatedly to get to know them properly. I've lent my partner money to give to them and repeatedly let my partner cancel plans and left me alone because of whatever they're demanding now. However I've started to feel really bitter towards them and my partner. When they can't even acknowledge me and he goes to spend time with them I feel like he's disrespecting me as much as them. I feel like I'm always last for him. Most recent example- he lost his job and has had a few personal issues and I saved what I could and took us on holiday to try and cheer him up. Whilst we were there they called him everyday, no mention of me. They also provided a great long list of things they wanted bringing back. No thought to how there things were funded or who traipsed around shops on holiday with him to get them. No thanks nothing Yesterday we arrived home in the early hours, when we tried to sleep from around 08:00am his phones just ringing and ringing telling him to come. I get it they haven't seen him in around a week yet he just went. No thought to the fact that we have literally no food in the house yet, he drives I don't. We have mountains of unpacking and washing and I'm back at work tomorrow. Yet he'll be gone all day sat with them eating with them. He took all the things we'd brought back for them and went. No mind to all the things we needed to do, nonmind to the fact they make me feel like nothing, I also have a tummy bug again I feel like just they're importantWe had a huge arguement. I felt that on this occasion if they couldn't invite me also then he should put me first and go tomorrow instead when I'm at work.This is just one example, this kind of stuff is constant. They have zero respect for our relationship. It's really getting me downiI'm almost ready to finish the relationship over this as I'm becoming a really bitter person and I'm not that usually. I see myself issuing a me or them ultimatum which I don't want to do. But in other ways he is literally my best friend, we get on great, adore each other.He has tried talking with them, and it usually turns into an argument but nothing changes Thank you
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 April 2017):
 The only advice I can give you is to leave. His family will always come first, it is a culture thing! If you are bitter now after two years it is only going to get worse. They will never accept you. I know it will be difficult to leave him because you love him, but you deserve better. That is the issue with mixed cultures dating.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2017): I'm married to a Muslim man and he is in his own home country as he was deported from the UK, I am in the UK.I have visited his country and met his family etc and he is begging me to go and stay again but I don't want to because of the family interference and yes I agree he puts me even as his wife at the bottom of the pile.Oh how they adore me when I'm sending gifts, clothing and money, which has come to a stop now.They are probably now trying to get him to marry someone else.When he lived in the UK with me they would always be phoning him for money, so I had to pay for our expenses whilst he sent his wages.He also has an uncle here and if he clicked his fingers my husband would go running taking me with him which I hated.I don't know what will happen with us as I really do not wish to go again because of some of his family members.I don't believe your situation will get any better, so I'm sorry but it's put up with it or leave him and see if he comes to his senses when you leave him to them, he may then realize what you have been telling him but don't get your hopes up.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (1 April 2017):
 Finish this now - you will never change how this man thinks or the way his family treat you.
A friend of mine from University (white British, Christian) had a relationship with a muslim man. His family also basically ignored her.
They ended up marrying, and went to live with HIS family. She now has 4 kids, all being brought up as Muslims, and basically runs about after his family, being treated like an unpaid slave by his mother.
HE can do no wrong and is treated like a god amongst men, whilst she gets berated for everything, doesn't do anything right, and has been completely isolated from her friends and family.
The kids are not allowed to do anything against the wishes of his parents, and must be brought up in their faith. My friend also has to dress according to their rules and is not allowed to associate with any men.
I just think it is so sad as she used to be such a vibrant, happy and positive woman.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 April 2017):
 I think you have underestimated the challenges and difficulties of an inter-cultural, inter-faith relationship.
If I have to guess, I'd say that the difference in country and religion is not because, say, you are a British Anglican and he is a French Catholic. Or a Swedish Lutheran. Well, as a matter of fact, I am pretty sure that there may be cultural and psychological differences even between a person born and raised in London, and another from York. But with some cultures, it's the whole frame of reference that's all different. Not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing, it just IS- and underestimating it is , at best, very naive.
For instance, you seem surprised that he acts as if his family is more important than his girlfriend. Well, probably it is - hands down, no contest.
If he is a Muslim his family will prefer / hope / expect / demand that he marries a girl from his culture / religion.
No point therefore in aknowledging officially what they think / hope is just a juvenile passtime, their boy being a bit " naughty " before coming back into the fold of the community and choosing the RIGHT girl.
Muslim men, true, are allowed to marry Christian women , it's fine as long as the offspring is raised Muslim. But even so- " dating " ? " A girlfriend " ? " these things do not even exist conceptually in Islam. You and your bf are not even engaged ! - in his family 's eyes you are just the kafir girl whom he is , inappropriately, sharing a bed with as of now- until he decides to " grow up " .
If they are Hindu - do you know that in India arranged marriages are around 80 % of all marriages in urban areas ( including therefore, highly educated ,well off professionals ) and close to a staggering 100% in rural areas ? Some traditions are hard to change or die down- it's quite possible that your bf's family considers you just a lamentable " accident " in their son's true life path and therefore is not particularly interested in getting closer to you or including you more.
Of course there ARE intercultural, interfaith marriages nonetheless_. But even if you were married, you should take into account that for some things the frame of refernce, the basic concepts of family and social relationships ,are very different from what you know. For instance , birth family IS more important and comes before the family-by- marriage. Their ( the parents' ) wants and needs authomatically trump the wife's. That, in terms of financial assistence too.
And to work around this, and make things work, is noth easy ; it takes a lot of finesse , tact , patience, yet coupled with a lot of determination and assertiveness. And flexibility from both sides, of course.
Anyway , it's not "they "- they play according to their script , they should be exceptionally openminded , sophisticated, freespirited to accept you among them with enthusiasm and cheers of jubilation. ( As another poster remarks, chances are that they are already unhappy that their son and you live together , yet they haven't made a big nasty fuss about it , that's alreday a better than average development ).
It's up to your bf to tell them / show them / explain them that he is really serious about you (... IF he is... ) and they need to accept it with philosophy, and meet you ( and your culture and social customs ) halfway.
Will he do it for your sake ? .. Who knows. Personally I am skeptcal, but , of course , I wish you the best leck.
IN the meantime, do NOT give him money, least of all money to give / buy gifts to his family. If he wants to pamper them, at least he should do with his OWN wages ( and providing of course than he can still pay his share of upkeep and bills ). Do not enable him !
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (31 March 2017):
 Do your wash. Not his.
Don't fund his family any longer.
Stop being his fairy godmother for a few weeks. Change the internet password on your wifi, your email and your financial relatinships.
You say you don't drive, the aunts in the US might not understand this but it's very common in the UK where buses and trains are plentiful. The key point is that you aren't so trapped and dependent on him that you literally cannot go anywhere without his help.
If you've wound up in a relationship where you will NEVER be accepted by his family, and are just a placeholder until a marriageable replacement presents, that's important to establish NOW.
My concern for you is that you are using your savings and your retirement funds to try to buy your way into his family's good graces.
Turn off the financial spigot and see what develops.
Me, I'd have thrown him out ages ago. But that's easier said than done, no doubt. Perhaps on a weekend when he is off again to his family, you pack up his things and have them ready to go while the locksmith changes the locks.
How much longer are you willing to tolerate this?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (31 March 2017):
 I doubt there is anything YOU can do to change this. The change needs to come from your boyfriend. While it is always admirable to treat family well and look after them, a partner should be far higher up the priority list than you currently appear to be.
Why are you giving him money? This is money YOU have earned so you should not be wasting it on people who do not even acknowledge your existence. If he does not have money to give to them, then they will have to go without whatever it is they want from him . If HE wants to give them these things, HE has to earn the money.
Sweetheart, you need to grow a backbone and stop letting him walk all over you. In your shoes I would sit him down and tell him EXACTLY what changes you want/need in your relationship. Spell them out so there is no room for doubt. Then give him a time limit and say, if things do not improve in that time, you are done because, trust me, HE will not respect you if you do not respect yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2017): Separate your finances now, so if you're paying wages into a joint account then stop and any joint savings take what it yours.You do not live a life to come second best. Whatever the cultural differences people have to accommodate each other, they have to understand they've brought their son up surrounded by British culture so it is quite likely he will live in a way that is typical for here. You have stood back to allow him space but actually he needed to step up and defend his choices to his family. The way he acts does disregard and disrespect you completely and if I were you I would leave. 2 years you've waited for him to say "being with her is MY choice, disrespect her then you disrespect me". What is important to remember is he will share some of their cultural values too, because they have raised him and shaped him into who he is today - so perhaps he sees family more important than you are?You deserve better, maybe by walking out he will learn a valuable lesson but it doesn't matter. You need to focus on you and your own happiness x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2017): I'm an Indian girl from India. From what you've shared, it looks like they are indians or at least South asians. I feel he's a little cowardly and not very good at decision making. I'm guessing he's also facing an identity crisis of being brought up in a culture and society that's different from the one followed in his house.I don't understand those who migrate for money and status back home without considering the non-material aspects of life. They want to live the American dream and show off to their fellow indians- oh look we live in the USA. If they have their son brought up in the American society and culture they cannot enforce the Indian culture on him. Believe me, India is a nice place to live in. It's not like we are a war zone of have a poor economy. People migrate abroad for the tag- the status- the respect they command back home for being selected to join international standard of job/education. It's the honor..ah honor! Have you heard of honor killings in india? Indians live for honor- Some are crude in their approach, some are polished that's the only difference. The behavior you describe (not inviting you, not coming over to your place) is the typical punishment/reward meted out by family, relatives and society in general to 'get the message across' for accepted and unacceptable behaviors. For eg, If a family does not earn good money or have status, they're given the cold treatment by other families just to get the message across that 'hey we don't approve of you not utilizing your resources to maintain a status'. They don't want to encourage your live in relationship or appear to be approving of it by making visits to the place you both live in together- a silent protest and hint at wanting you both to marry or else not share a living space.They probably dislike the fact that you both moved in together and as an effect of that, judge your 'character'.Although it's ok for them to express their dislike or disapproval, what waves the red flag to me is- it looks like his family and him are both male chauvinists. Here's why- Why are they not giving HIM the cold treatment? why only you?? Seems like they expect women to be flag bearers of morality while their son is an innocent lamb. Also very very rude and unfair to show all the hatred on you instead of communicating with the son. They are the kind of people that blame mistakes of a man on a woman. Not the type of family I would say yes to in an arranged marriage. In India we have cultures, sub cultures etc. When you marry an Indian you have to make sure that you are on the same page as the family in terms of values and beliefs..to do with gender norms, civilness etc. Else, you'd be stuck and surrounded by people who are fully violating your value system and social mores. What is a minimum expected courtesy to you, is something they are not even educated on! And you can't put up with that for a man who's not even standing up for you. Being an Indian Girl I did the mistake too of falling for a guy completely disregarding his stark contrast to my background, culture and upbringing. After meeting his family I realized they're all including him sexist and low on ethics. And as I observed more and more, It all looked like a vicious cycle in their house- and vicious cycles are incorrigible. For eg. In a household where the man is made to run around and treated like an ATM, you can't expect women to get equal say and importance for their feelings. I decided then on that arranged works better for Indians..or at least dating someone from a similar family background. So I'd say- don't see them as representing all Indians or asians (whatever they are). Be more judgmental next time because a relationship with an indian man works only if their family is on the same page as you are in terms of thinking, mindset etc. He is also not as great as you portray him to be. He should have stood up for you when they treat you badly and he could have pleased his family by maintaining your relationship without moving in together, eventually convincing his family on a marriage. Conveniently, he did what's easy and beneficial for him without considering you or his family. He moved in with you DISREGARDING his family's sentiments and NEVER once stood up for you, making you feel equally disrespected and disregarded! Let's see why he did this. He wants to stand up for himself against his family but not for YOU. He gets the sexual benefits of living in and that's the reason he stood up for the relationship- not out of respect for you. While in reality, your relationship hasn't taken a step FORWARD but only BACKWARD- by making his family dislike you more, which he doesn't give two hoots about. As long as you don't bother him and continue to give him love, money and sex and they still treat HIM well..he's totally fine, which is quite selfish of him. On his parents' perspective, Indian Parents think of love as a situation specific thing. Here, people don't get the concept of dating, they straight away "fall in love" and then convince their parents on getting married to the person. So IF it doesn't work out, the chances of the same person falling in love with another again is slim, because they're not really dating to find the right person but just waiting to meet a girl or a guy and BAM! fall in love without dating at all. So the parents see their son/daughter fallen in love only as a situation. Once they get rid of it- the likelihood of it happening again is rare. Then they can conveniently find arranged matches, which involves dates and courtship, ironically. They probably think that if they manage to make you go, he will not fall in love again with another girl, which is actually illogical as you both are dating and he could very well date again if this doesn't work out! I suggest you leave this guy to himself and his family issues. This relationship won't suit you nor be worthy of you. Clearly he's selfish and does not know to respect your feelings or his parents' because of the dented psychology. Thanks to immigrants that can't even broaden their mind and unreasonable, sexist parenting.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (31 March 2017):
 Where does he see your relationship in say 12 months, 2 years, 5 years .... does he believe the relationship he has with you is permanent or simply a gap filler?
What if you fell pregnant tomorrow? What then, what of the child and the fact his family ignore your very existence and he lets them.
How far down his list of priorities are you? Ask him to list the people in his life from most important to least, he needs to include work colleagues and his friends, cousins, and people he associates with.
Maybe write these questions down and ask him to answer them. Include such questions as "when will I meet your family."
No need to tell him that his answers determine what you do next ... if he answers them untruthfully, ie puts you at the top of the list, then ask him why his actions don't match his words.
Quite frankly I am concerned he is with you in the interim but when his family decide its time for him to marry you wont get a look in.
They are all disrespecting you, him included. Are you going to continue to take it or walk. AND STOP GIVING HIM MONEY TO GIVE TO THEM! And don't give him money to buy them stuff either. Just stop it, okay!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2017): Try to understand their culture for if they are muslims or hindu then living with their son in one house without marriage (living in sin) is horrifying to them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 March 2017):
 You have been together for 2 years and it has not changed at all. They don't WANT him with you if they are devout or even just "traditional" Muslims, then he technical can't "date" anyone. It's marriage or nothing.
They for whatever reason "let" him date you now. Maybe because they expect that at some point he will "tow the family line" and marry a "good" Muslim girl.
However, this issue really IS between HIM and his family. (even if it affects you).
He is NOT going to pick you over them. And HE can't "make them" change their mind about you. He can argue or plead with them, I don't see them wanting to change.
THIS is who they are and HOW they CHOOSE to treat you.
You have to make a choice if you are OK with this long term or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2017): I feel for you. I have been there and still am. You have to leave him.....This dynamic will never ever change. If you stay things never get better they get worse especially when you have children.They will treat your kids as bad if not worse than they treat you because they would be YOUR children.Is this what you want for you?I have 36 years invested you do not.Leave while you can before the kids come please.You have no idea the issues my grown children have now because of their cruelty they have endured.Please listen as you deserve a man who has your back.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (31 March 2017):
 It is up to your partner to sort this out. He is taking the easy way out, and ignoring the problem. Perhaps he thinks he can't sort it out, and therefore won't come down on your side.
Ask him, if it meant you two breaking up, whose side would he choose?
When he becomes evasive, as he surely will, you need to hang in there for an answer. You might try putting it all in a letter and asking for a reply by a certain date.
If you don't get an answer, then you need to find a partner who is wedded to you and not his family or their religion.
He needs to explain that their integration into British culture is extremely important. While the UK applauds cultural differences British people abhor cultural isolationism and ghettoisation.
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