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female
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writes: I have been seeing my partner for almost two years now. He has been divorced for nearly five and he lives with his two sons. The ex wife lives down the street with the chap she left my partner for and calls at my partners house five nights a week to cook the boys their tea. I am not happy with this arrangement but each time I bring it up he dismisses it as if i'm just being jealous. The boys by the way are 21 and 24... My partner works from home and subsequently he is in a lot of the time when she visits. He insists that he isn't interested in her any more and that she is just convenient to have around, consequently this arrangement is stopping him from moving forward but he can't see it. What should I do?
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divorce, ex-wife, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, beula_the_salty +, writes (3 August 2006):
both of the answers you received are spot on but on a lighter note please please please refer those young men to a delia smith cook book and tell them how to turn an oven on! i hope it works out for the best. x
(from a 19 year old who chooses to cook for herself.)
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 Honey, you chose a very complicated situation when you moved in with your man. This is a consequence of your choice, and now you have subsequent choices to make.
There is no one right answer for what you should do because it depends on who you ask in this mess of a situation. The WRONG answer is to expect others to take action - everyone else seems satisfied with the status quo. It appears however that you are not.
To keep things simple, there is only one voice that should serve as your guide - your own inner voice. Do you know what your inner voice is telling you? Invest some time in listening to that voice. If you are good at hearing your inner voice this should not take that long. If you try to argue with that inner voice it will take longer.
One final observation I have about your situation is that your moral standard seems to differ from that of your partner. This is the source of strife; furthermore you are wasting time if you believe that changing moral standards is possible (either his, yours, or both) or even worthwhile.
I hope I have helped you to see things from a different perspective. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 This does seem a rather peculiar arrangement but this woman is obviously feeling guilty that the marriage failed and wants the boys to have a good life, even though they come from divorced parents. She seems to be mothering the boys so she doesn't have to let them or the past go, whether that has anything to do with your guy is a different matter.
Firstly, you need to talk to your partner. Tell him you're unhappy with the situation and encourage him to talk to her. This has been going on for so long and he obviously knows what his ex is like so he probably thinks this is completely normal for her. But this has to stop if it is upsetting you, after all, after his kids, you come first.
The kids are not babies anymore and don't need their tea cooking every night. If he won't talk to her, I wouldn't advise you to do so, that will look like you're interfering. Keep your distance and keep trying to talk to him.
If none of that works, it's time to give him an ultimatum. Tell him you understand they have children but she is his past, you're his future and you feel this is wrong. Make him realise how silly this is and make him tell her to stop interfering. By all means, let the kids go to hers for tea whenever they want but her coming to your house? No!
Good luck and I hope he listens. If not, there are plently of men out there without any of this baggage!
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