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female
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*achaelp
writes: HiMy best friend had an on off relationship with a very good friend of mine fo three years.They broke up for good two years ago. He told her repeatedly that they would never have a proper relationship, never loved her but was very fond of her.I have known this guy for over a decade. A couple of weeks ago - we slept together. It was nice and i must admit that i had realised i had feelings for him well before then. I am now frightened of hurting my best friend. Should I nip this potential (lasting) relationship in the bud now? or shoot for my own happiness with him? I can't live with the concience that she doesn't know - and cannot bear to lose her as my best friend either. We are all in our 30's.
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reader, rachaelp +, writes (3 August 2006):
rachaelp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thank you for some very clear opoinions. funnily enough - what you have both said is exactly what he says too. My problem is my concience. she and i have never 'overlapped' our territories. feels a bit odd. that said - she since got married (but getting divorced less than a year later) and moved 200 miles away from our area. i REALLY don't know.... i now feel wooden when i am with him - because i feel guilty. but that is my problem i guess. and you are both right - i need to have the conversation with her. she has such a temper tho i am, if honest, scared! haha - silly eh.. 32 and scared about it. i should grow up too :0) Thank you again - i really appreciate what you have written. x
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 If they broke up two years ago, and he was your friend even before that, I don't think your best friend has that much input into the situation. It isn't like her dating him gives her ownership of him, body and soul, and all dating rights in perpetuity! There's certainly a "grace period" about not dating friends' exes, but there's also a limit to such things.
Of course, I do think that you should speak to her privately about it, and let her know that you're seeing him. Tell her that it feels awkward having to explain, but that you and he have discovered that there's more between you than friendship, and that, even though it's been years since they dated and you know she's over him, you wanted to tell her yourself. (She should be over him, and if she's not... well, that's a problem she should be dealing with herself.)
I really don't believe you have to sacrifice one relationship or the other, if it's handled with tact, and if your friend doesn't still think she's in junior high school.
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female
reader, kirstylouise  +, writes (2 August 2006):
In my opinion - if she was any friend at all she would want you to be happy, and if there was a chance he could do that then thats something she will have to except. After 2 years id be very surprised if she isn't over him already. I think you just need to sit her down and be honest about how you feel about this guy and how your worried this will effect your friendship. Im sure she'll understand I know I would. Good friends are few and far between!
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