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female
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*exta
writes: Hi my partner of 4 months got with his ex when she was pregnant so the son regards him as dad and vice versa. Problem is his ex is very controlling and manipulative, telling him he is a useless father etc even though that's not true. She won't let him have a day out on his own with the boy and always has to be there. I think that when she says 'you drop him when it suits you' she is really talking about herself - she sent him around 15 texts yesterday! - she just won't let him go and I don't know how to handle it.I've no problem with him seeing the boy and would love the three of us to go out together but she would never let that happen. She won't change and it'll get worse now she knows about me. I wonder whether I should leave cos I will find it hard if she controls him for the next 10 yrs or until the child is old enough to decide himself (he is 5 at the moment) but I would be heartbroken not to be with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2005): Because of your bf's stepson and his relationship with this child, you may have to accept that his ex is as much a part of your new relationship, as that cantankerous old uncle or boozy cousin who loves to disrupt every family gathering, you hear so many people complain about. This may not be the news you want to hear, but it's a reality that cannot be ignored. She is and will remain part of your life, until this child grows up.
Your bf mst have a talk with the ex and set some clear boundries and he cannot be passive about this. It's up to him to do this. Not you. Since his bonds with this child and the ex took a long time to form, the process for her to accept that this guy (your bf) is creating a new unit with you, simply isn't automatic, as far as she's concerned. And that is what is so sad, the child becomes a pawn in her game. But we don't break away from children, so the challenge of your bf retaining that loving relationship with this boy is crucial. A successful relationship is a gift to everyone concerned, and particularly to this stepson who has already suffered through the breakup of his parent's relationship. Your bf must not allow his ex gf's bitterness, revenge, and anger to constantly threaten or undermine his relationship with you and this boy. No matter the risks, your bf has to sit down with the ex and negotiate an understanding of what he will tolerate in her interference's in your relationship. He should be kind but assertive with her. He needs to understand why she's doing this. For some reasons, she's very resentful of your bf. He needs to point out that she's harmfully using the boy as a pawn, in her game to get back at him. Perhaps she is seeing his happiness with you as a bitter reminder that her relationship with your bf, was probably not very satisfactory and she feels like a failure. But these are her feelings and she must take ownership of those feelings-not constantly blame your bf.
Obviously, their breakup was inevitable & bitter, and she could be perceiving you in a bad light (re: as a home wrecker), Or...she could be just a bitter person with emotional issues. Who knows? But something is triggering her wrath. But, this poor boy is frequently being caught in the crossfire. This situation will take time to resolve itself. I would not leave your bf..it sounds like you love him dearly. See if this issue can be resolved with time and mature patience. Get some advice from a good family counselor..they are wonderful sources of help and support. My concern is that this little boy is becoming attached to you-so leaving your bf, would only crush his little heart, once again. Before walking away, please have an open, honest chat with your bf and come up with ideas to cope with his ex. Also, if she's sending him numerous daily text messages, it fairly obvious she still has a thing for your bf. She would be ecstatic if you left-it certainly would shore up her sagging self-esteem, wouldn't it. And that's what is so sad here-that someone would be nasty enough to glorify in other people's pain & heartache.
But always be strong and keep your relationship happy. The fact that you and your bf love each other and can make your relationship work will ultimately work toward the good of the this young boy. It takes a family time and patience to blend, and if the new relationship is successful, ultimately this child benefits. Remember, jealous exes can do unscrupulous things, even when they are motivated primarily by a need to prove a point and this ex gf is on a mission, for some reason. I wish you all well and be strong, especially for this little, innocent boy.
Hugs
Irish .
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2005): Have your boyfriend looked into his rights as the boys father..you may find he can sought legal access to see the child without his ex being there..worth looking into.
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