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female
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*aigero
writes: MAIN THOUGHTS...I recently broke my engagement with a boyfriend that I have had for the past 7 yrs and lived w/ for the past 4. The thought of "this" being the rest of my life made me doubt marrying him. I realized I have never been attracted to him.I fell in love with him in high school - the right way - with his heart. He is a sweetie and my best friend and would make a good husband and father (with changes he has promised to make re: time for me). I recently got my own apartment. His friends say I am doing this to see if there is anything better out there but I feel there are so many things to sort out (which I cannot even begin to explain).Some say I never had a chance to see what else is out there. I'm so confused as to what I want.I am afraid I am going to "see what else is out there" and then see that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me but I am not going to get a divorce in the future, and I could see myself being one to have an affair because there is no attraction (although I have never cheated b4).Are there good looking guys with nice guy qualities? Does there need to be an attraction? I know if I were to date he said there would be no chance ofgetting back together....ADDITIONAL INFO...It is hard to put everything into a couple ofparagraphs. I am going to be 24 soon and I thought I had my life planned out for me. Married by 25, children by 30. When I get married it is FOREVER- and I feel that I want to be completely infatuated with my husband when I walk down the isle. I do not have these feelings now. All of the advice columns that I have read state that there must be an attraction. I didn't think it was a big deal (that I wasn't attracted to him) until I started thinking of the "desperate housewives" scenario. I feared that could be me even though I have never cheated before. I also feel it is unfair to him that I am not attracted to him. He deserves a wife that is infatuated with him. I treat him well, but I do not initiate sex, etc. I have had these feelings before but only now have I had the guts to actually move out and separate. I think it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I was unsure all the way. I know there isn't a guy out there that is "perfect" but I wonder if there is a guy that I would be able to relate to more - have the same interests and believe in some ofthe same things. One minute I think I have made the right decision, and the next I fear I have made the biggest mistake of my life. We still talk every day and I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. He professes his love for me and says he will change... But I've heard it all before. Friends that are married say things get worse after you get married, and I couldn't bear thinking that the problems that we already have getting worse. I want to walk down the aisle and be completely infatuated with my husband and I do not feel that now. I hate to say the word "settle" but I sometimes feel that that's what I would be doing because I'm scared to take the risk to find out that he's the best that is out there. If I take that risk, he will no longer want me. My ex-fiance may be right. If it took me 7 years to find out that maybe he isn't the right one, how long do I have to date someone else to find out that they are not right for me? I know a lot of this time we have been growing up as high school sweethearts but how long do I have to wait until I would be ready to marry? I really do not think that in my next serious relationship I would wait 7 years to get married and then what? At 7 years already be married with kids and have some of the same feelings? I am not afraid of commitment, just the oath of marriage and the permanency of it. But, I also don't think it is just cold feet. I'm sure this all is just a bunch of words that don't make sense but I'm so confused and I need any advice that can be given.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2005): If you feel like this, it's very important that you NOT get married or make any huge decisions. Give yourself the freedom to take this opportunity and delve into who you are, what you want, etc. I know it can be terribly painful (guilt, etc.) to try and step away from an engagement -- but it would be so much worse to follow through out of a sense of obligation rather than your heart's desire.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2005): I feel for you. I was with a guy for seven years, too (well, including a couple of spans of several months when I broke up with him and then got dragged back into it somehow). I had a similar thing--not being attracted, not being IN LOVE, really. I cared for him but not in a passionate way.
I finally got it together to end things, and I have never been sorry. No, I didn't walk right out and meet Mr. Right. But I look back and know that it wouldn't have been fair to either this guy or me if I had stayed with him. In fact, not long after we broke up, he met someone else, and they have been together for a few years now. I've been very happy for him!
Sorry to go on about myself, but what I'm getting at is that you should never feel like you're "settling" as it's not giving either of you a chance to experience a fully reciprocal loving relationship. If he says that he would never get back with you if you dated other men, then that's his loss. He ought to understand that if you stay together now, he will be settling, too--for someone who's not totally committed to him.
I do wonder, though, what the things are that he keeps promising to change. Are they things that would make you attracted to him, or feel more infatuated with him? If not (and it's hard to imagine him being able to change anything that would have that much impact), I wouldn't dangle that possibility in front of him. It doesn't sound like he is going to change, anyway, and even if he does, there is a pretty large chance that he will backslide.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2005): I'm going through a similar kind of situation (but positions reversed, and a slightly different wrench or two), although it hasnt progressed as far as to splitting up yet. I must say though that your posting gave me alot to think about.
I'm not really qualified to give advice on this, but all I can say is that you shouldn't second guess yourself once the decision has been made, break up and move on, sure be there for him if and when he needs your support, but dont get too close as it would probably be too painful.
if the relationship was giving you that much worry and heartache, it probably just wasnt meant to be.
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