A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My partners brother is a bad influence on my partner and I don’t know what to do about it. So his brother is married with two children, but has openly admitted he isn’t happy and felt he was pushed into marriage but a divorce is too expensive. Whenever I’m around him he makes comments about being single, going on lads holidays, not wanting to have commitments. He’s always been into drugs which I absolutely hate and always encourages my partner to. My partner annoys me as he never says no, even though he knows I don’t agree with it or like him doing it. I don’t know if I’m being pathetic or not but I noticed white stuff on my partners nose after going out with his brother and their friend for food and drinks. I haven’t yet mentioned it as I don’t know how to approach the situation. I hate that he’s gone into town for something to eat and ended up doing drugs, probably because his brother persuaded him to. We have a 2 year old son and I don’t want him growing up around family members who do drugs. Any advice on how to speak to my partner? He usually dismisses the conversation or agrees to whatever I say to shut me up but he lies to keep me quite too many times. I don’t know what to do. Thanks in advance :)
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 June 2021):
 Accept reality.
Your BF doesn't have issues with doing drugs, he sees nothing "bad" in it. He just agrees with you to PLACATE you and SHUT you up when you bring it up.
His brother didn't MAKE him do drugs. He made that choice on his own.
He is more invested in being his brother's buddy than being a good father/partner.
You have a child together. If you don't want your son to grow up around drugs and people who /do drugs... why are you with him still?
I know it's easier to think this is ALL the brother's fault, but it's not. Your partner makes bad choices. You made a bad choice when you ignored the drugs the first time and every time after.
You need to ensure that you can take care of your son ALL by yourself. Get your ducks in a row.
You need to set clear boundaries and then stick to them.
Have you ever asked your husband why he looks up to his brother so much? A man who clearly rather be in an unhappy marriage and screw over his wife AND kids instead of getting that divorce?
I get it. No one wants to be in an unhappy marriage but your "BIL" thinks he is "saving" money by staying with his wife... Where is the logic in that?
I think you know what's up and that YOU need to be the grown-up and DO the right thing. But are you ready for it?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2021): If your partner isn't man enough to be his own man and have his own mind, what can we tell ya?
Well, if your partner is a "boyfriend;" you should make sure to get your legal-ducks in a row, in case you'll need to be setup to receive child-support. Then dump the pot-smoking man-boy! Having children with boyfriends who won't man-up and marry you places you in a very precarious and legally-insecure position. Always worried whom he's hanging-out with, if he might find another woman; and if he might suddenly up and walk, without not so much as a solitary word. He is a grown-man. Even if he does stupid boyish-things; you're not his mother.
If your partner is your husband, you can offer him an ultimatum. He has to clean-up his act for the sake of his kid, and the security of your marriage; or he is forcing you to consider leaving him. You can insist that you both go to marriage counseling; so you'll have a third-party mediator and a referee; to help you get your point across to a man who isn't listening to your justified pleas that he assumes serious responsibility for his family. You are not entitled to have control over him; but you deserve his support, loyalty, and devotion. He is coming across as very juvenile and too easily manipulated; and maybe family and marriage (whether faux or real) may be premature. By his own choosing he allows his brother to have more influence over his behavior; than the responsibility of being a father, and a husband(?).
Boyfriends are not held to the legal and moral standards of husbands. They still pretty much have the freedom to walk when they get tired of being tied-down by fatherhood; and a nagging annoying-girlfriend full of baby-mama drama. Immaturity doesn't allow him to see the detrimental consequences of his lack of reliability and trustworthiness. You have no legal leverage over his head that gives you rights to half of his assets and what he owns; so he has nothing to lose. You can't sue for alimony. He can maintain his paternal-rights and visitation through a court order; which might not be that much in his favor, if he is what you've described him to be as a father. Weak-minded and pretty much his brother's little puppet.
I feel you, sweetheart! You don't want to deprive his kid of a father, and you want to keep your family intact. You have to do what's best for both you and the child in the long-run. Somebody has to be the adult in the room. It seems that he's still in his high school adolescent stage of psychological-development; which shows he's far from being grounded and dependable. He's still at the door-step of his manhood. This is typical of guys thrust into fatherhood and domestic-life; before they're ready to settle-down, and man-up to the demands of adulthood. It may just take more time before he reaches that stage of growth.
You're in a power-struggle over who gets to "control" your partner. I think it's more of his choice to do what he pleases, and a lot less the fault of his brother. He is who he is, and does what he wants to do. The problem is, he's not mature or committed enough to marriage and fatherhood; and prefers pot-smoking and whatever with his brother. He probably sees it as a means of escape, or a way to blow-off steam. The problem is your partner, not his brother. His brother is his convenient scapegoat. He has to have it in him to take-on his responsibilities to his own family; not be so easily persuaded by outside-elements to be derelict of his duties.
Stay on it, and keep pressuring him to grow-up; and to do it for the sake of his child. Don't find yourself nagging and pleading in frustration. If it comes to that, that's when it's time to take drastic measures. Stop blaming his brother. Your partner knows what he's doing. Even though he acts like an impressionable-teenager, he's not! He still blames his brother just like they did when they were two kids living at home!
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