A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I need some good solid advicw! Me and my partner have been together nearly 7 years we have 2 young kids! Im not working at the minute as i wanna stay at home and look after my chuldren properly! My partner tried starting up his own cleaning business and got alot of things he needed to help him do this, he seems to be letting it go though and its because he smokes cannabis! Its got to the point he isnt really working at all and ive tried explaining to him that the money we have isnt enough to support his addiction and our 2 children, i felt as though i snapped today a little switch went of in my head! Cant take any more of it i have sacraficed alot for my children i dont smoke or drink, i even said to him if he can stop atleast try and cut down but he hasnt even bothered and it angers me! I love being able to do things with my kids! There my little gems i want the best for them and especially with xmas coming up, i know there only young but there kids and deserve a good xmas but my partners smoking is making it difficult to even scrape up money to put away for my kids! Should i take control of the money so he has none or what?? I need some advice please, he has been smoking this rubbish since he was 16 hes now 28 :/ do you think there any way hel stop? Tbh in my eyes he has to because of our kids but i know its an addiction but dont want him to just use that as a way to continue? Hope one of you can give some advice xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): I think you need to take control of the cleaning business, if he won't do it then why don't you? You could work alongside him.
Give him an ultimatum as his habit will go on if you dont let him see you really want him to stop - or you will go and take the kids. He carrys on with it because he can, he has the money for it.You have to take over the money side.
I think staying home with the children is great,but its not bringing in money, nowadays most women go out to work even if its part-time, they have to, to help with the Bills.So put what you can into the cleaning business and look for a part time job too. BUT you keep the money, you organise the household budget, so your husband doesn't have the cash for his habit.
A
male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (22 November 2011):
Addicts are going to do what addict do. They usually will not consider change until they realize that they can't manipulate people around themselves (you). When you confront an addict, they'll figure out how little they can really do, do it for the shortest amount of time and then go back to their addiction. It's a universal truth.
12 years of smoking dope (and starting at 16) has likely left him with minimal skills when it comes to dealing with emotions, responsibility or anything else that a non-stoned kid learns from age 16 to the early to mid 20's. Like it our not, you may be in a relationship with an emotionally retarded person, who can only learn copeing skills by getting sober.
You've going to have to draw a serious line, hold to it and then deliver the repercussions of him NOT cleaning up his act. JUST KNOW that if you draw the line, and then cave into him that he'll use this as a future manipulation. YOU HAVE TO HOLD YOUR GROUND.
His being "self employed" in a failing business is classic. He can't be a good employee, so he goes to work form himself, where is NOT A GOOD EMPLOYEE! Classic...
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A
female
reader, youngmum89  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 he can give it up if he wants to i use to smoke it smoked it for a good 8 years i havent touched it in bout 1 year give him an ultimatum the weed or his family
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Yes it is an addiction and yes it is not so easy to give it up, but by the sounds of it he has not even made the effort to try for you and his children, so to me this says he can't be bothered. For someone to get help with an addiction well then they need to really want it for themselves. To me it sounds like he has no intentions of giving up his expensive habit. Off course you want the best for your children, completely see where you are coming from, why should they suffer around the holidays while he spends a fortune on this habit.
You are a very level headed person I can see that. But you need to be stronger here with him and take some of the control. He is not bothering giving up, and the more you nag at him, the more he will probably smoke and blame it on stress. But he needs to see how serious you feel about this, how passionate you are about it. Tell him that you have had enough and if you don't see him at least trying to get the help that he needs then you are leaving him. Be firm about it and look in to different programs with him for addictions. Tell him you will be supportive but he needs to think of his children and there future. It's illegal for a start.
You say he has been addicted to this since he was 16. It is a shame that you knew this and went on to have children with him. Off course you love him I understand that. I really hope that he does not smoke weed in front of his children or in the house, for there sake. I can see that you only have your children's best interest at heart, and for that you should be proud of yourself for being such a good mother. But it has went on for to long now, and you have no future here if he is not willing to give up for his family. I wish you all the best.
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