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female
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anonymous
writes: Dr. Cupid, I desperately need your help.The father of my children( ages 21 mo. and 4) Is the nicest most considerate person you have ever met. The problem is just that, The nicest YOU have ever met. He is to busy pleasing others that forgets to attend to his family. He refuses to attend any type of family activities, Or interact with our children, let alone me. He went to my prenatal appointments when he felt like it. At delivery he waited in the lobby while my mom supported me. He believes finanical support is all that he should contribute. He works long hard hours,which I completely understand, but all I ask is for a few dedicated hours a day or a day a week. I don't remember our last offical date. I too work crazy part time hours (4am-noon) and its starting to take it's toll. When I mention my concerns to him, telling him that I feel like his trophy, picking it up only for show then back to the dusty shelf, he responds with cold answer such as; " I just don't want to" Yet he has time for his brothers kids, whom of which he treats as if they were gold. ( No exaggeration). He refuses therapy, I've decided not to marry him until we've completed it.When I ask for money he says this is why you need a real job. He doesn't consider caring for children a job. He tells me I have an easy life staying home with the children. I attempt to prove my point of the challenges in raising a child. I'd leave for a few hours and he'd let the children do what they like while he watch tv or SLEEP. He believes that I relax whenever I like, when the truth is I am awake for 4-6 hours a day.His brother lives in the same building as we do, and easily influences his every descisons. He was offered a position for General Manager that I desperately tried to convice him to take, due to the near-birth of our first child. He declined due to the fact his brother simply said he would not like it. He was an electrician in his country and needed credits here in USA to continue his carrer. He was talked out of it. He was even talked out of buying a house for his family. His brother told him that he could not afford it. If you ask me I truly believe that his brother trys to stay above him.He makes descisons without consulting me. He refuses to show any type of affection to me in public, OR HOME if anyone is there, however when we're alone he's my prince charming.When I threaten to leave him he begs me to stay saying I am the love of his life. Then... day two he's back his old behaviors. We've been together 8 yrs and I've exhausted all options. It's unclear if there's a language barrier but I do know that I need your professional advice. Please help for the sake of our children. I already have one foot out of the door. sincerly, Ex-hausted
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): I hope you take this answer seriously. You can contact Dr. Phil and ask his help to use his hit'em between the eyes way of telling an arrogant self absorbed jerk that his/her emotionally blind behavior is pushing the spouse to another. However, the biggest problem with an emotionally distant spouse is that you two are your children's emotional behavior teachers. What are you two teaching these kids? Do you want your children to behave (emotionally distant) or behave like beggars seeking emotionally distant relationships. Don't underestimate the importance of Emotional Intelligence in all relationships and that includes the work place. No one likes a person who schmoozes or ignores you which sounds like him. IQ may get you in the door, but EQ will keep you there or get you a promotion. Parents teach their children how to emotionally behave and treat others in all relationship interaction. The fact you say he can do it for outsiders means he can do it, but not to teach his kids to cherish their own, their spouses will be on some therapist's couch and all fingers will be pointing at you two!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2005): The word "marriage" means to be united as one and to establish a new family unit, separate from the family of origin, meaning your husband's family. In order for your marriage to be happy & successful, you and your children's needs must take priority over your husband's family and his friends. Remember, true love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." Your husband is doing something wrong here and he will end up losing you and the kids, if he doesn't straighten up. The fact that you have probably told your husband how unhappy his behavior makes you feel, and he doesn't care, means that he is very self-absorbed and doesn't seem to respect nor care, how his wife and kids, feel. A man's wife and children should never take a backseat to others. If there is a little voice inside your head, which says, "I really do love my husband and want him to be more part of my life and our children's lives", then you have to take a hard stand now. In this case, I believe that writing a letter to your husband will be more effective than having a conversation which will probably end in a heated argument. Let him know that every time he puts you & the kids, on his list of "low priorities", below everyone else, he is hurting you deeply. Tell him, that it is important for you to see him act more loving, supportive and respectful. At the end of the letter, let him know how much you love him but you cannot continue to have your family (you & the kids) ignored. If that is too much to ask of him and he refuses to make you and the kids, top of his list, then you will have to decide which has more value to you, your marriage or your children's and your happiness. Only you can make that decision.
Firstly, I think the both of you need some professional marriage counseling. If your husband is too proud to see a therapist, go on your own. A good counselor can teach you ways to develop the emotional strength to stand up to your husband so you can start setting some boundries. This won't be easy, but you'll have a caring ally who will guide you through the process of developing healthy boundaries that will improve your life and the life of your children. Take care my dear and I wish you and your kids all the the best
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reader, pops +, writes (14 October 2005):
I don't know where you are from, or what country you are living in, but this guy is a jerk anywhere. Why you would have two children with him when you knew what he was like before the first was born baffles me. Get him out of your life. He doesn't know what love is. And, he owes you more than mere child support. He needs to learn how to be a parent. And he needs to grow up. He's not going to do that, because he doesn't have to, yet. Dump him. Get an order for child support, as that is all your going to get out of him. Then find someone who will actually love you, instead of using you to make his babies, and be a pretty arm holder when he thinks to take you out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2005): Your husband sounds so much like my father. He is the same in that he doesn't care for his own family but shows affection to children of his brothers and even friends. He takes decision by consulting any idiot in his society but he would not trust or agree with the decision of his educated son. My mom has had a tough time with him in relationship as he is this nice, caring person at one time and a bullying and angry person at other times. Sometimes i tend to think of him, "Do you not love your kids and you family father?". I think there is an element of truth in it. Some people have this kind of personalities where they always like what others have and can't appreciate what they have. They seem disgruntled no matter how much blessed they are compared to others. My father highly commends the achievements and acts of other children but never praises his own. In fact, he underestimates and demeans them.
I can understand that your husband is almost similar. He doesn't realize how much lucky he is to have a family with a loving wife and children. Also his advice seeking habit may be a part of his upbringing or due to low self-confidence. Some people need to consult their elders or someone they consider superior to them. My father and brother does it all the time, not because they respect their elders, but because they are unsure and unwilling to accept responsibility if they happen to fail. May be your husband was brought up in an environment where young people are discouraged to take their own decisions and elders do it for them.
Moreover, for him, you and the children are the only ones who make him feel worth something. My father used to have fights with my mother to the extent that my mother wanted to leave him and wanted divorce. But every time, at the last moment, he would convince her not to leave, by giving her an excuse of having young children.
Make sure that your husband doesn't influence the behaviour of your children or else they would start becoming like him as well and would never be able to love their own family. My father keeps criticising people who love their own wife and children. According to him, it is something that doesn't suit a MAN. He basically doesn't like the idea of having a happy family life or being happy in general. He feels this sense of burden on his shoulders to take care of the whole world around him when he can't even take care of his own family. He is sometimes proud of achievements of others which he believes are as a result of his help and support. He has this grandiose self image as well. Do you find any of these characteristics matching with your husband? If so, go and make him see a therapist. My father is destroying happiness of lots of people in my family and society who are against his irrational ideals, including me. He can't really empathize with other people.
Hope this was helpful.
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