A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend (let's call him John) for 5 years, we have 2 children together.Last year he went to prison for 4 months for attacking me . I held out and was faithful to him but since he's been home I just don't fancy him. We never have sex, we never go out and have fun. He just disappears fishing all weekend.Around Christmas last year I began having an affair with James*. I knew it was wrong, i felt terrible but I just couldn't control it. James was 18 years older than me but he made me feel good.John found out after about a month (well i told him) and I ended things with James as John said he wanted to forgive me..that he would be a better boyfriend etc. 8 months later everythings still the same, he disappears all weekend and we never have sex.Now James is back on the scene he texts me and emails me and I'm struggling to resist. He's so lovely and I know he would look after me and treat me right but i don't want to upset my children (age 3 and 18 months) by separating with their dad.Should I stay with John for the sake of holding together a nuclear family or should I chase my happiness and be with James?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): At some point your children will learn why their father went away to prison. If I am being logical you are teaching them that a woman takes a beating, waits for her husband to come out of prison like a good little wife and sticks in a loveless relationship for their sake. If my mother did that for me I would be gutted - totally and utterly. To think someone sacrificed their own happiness for mine would kill me, hurt me, make me feel terrible guilt. You are doing your children no favours with this approach and I would urge you, as the other post suggests to get a life without a man living with you for 6 - 12 months. Try and get a support network of females so that you can date men, go out and feel like a young and attractive woman again. I fear somehow for your safety and would like you to consider the options should your husband get violent again. Do not underestimate him whether or not you have a future relationship together. Do you want your children to witness this violence? I think you have blind loyalty to your husband and this other man is just showing you what happiness can feel like - don't ignore that taste but you don't have to leap from one man to another - take your time and enjoy dating as well as having some space for yourself. Read the book 'Women who love too much'.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): Do not stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of your children!!! He has attacked you before he WILL do it again!!! Your children are at a perfect age for you to be able to move on with the minimum of disruption to them. Do you really want them to grow up in a loveless environment?? Do what YOU want but make sure you are always there for your children - I can't belive you gave this man who went to prison for attacking you a second chance! If he says he loves you and your children, whats to stop him turning on them too one day? I'm not sure james is the answer but if you don't give it a try you'll never know. But don't replace one bad relationship with another - its important your children have a stable upbringing whether this be with someone new or just with their mum. Don't ever put them in danger, they love you and depend on you to keep them safe. If you end up with no-one then concentrate on them - they are such a gift and so precious. Good luck and take care.xx
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A
female
reader, littlemomma  +, writes (14 September 2008):
 In my opinion, you should NOT stay with your husband. Not because of this other guy, but for the safty and happiness of you and your children. No man should ever hurt his family in any way. Plus (I could be wrong but) it sounds like he's cheating on you anyways...I mean think about it..no sex...and gone all weekend?? I could be wrong but it's a possibility...
You deserve better...and honestly so does your kids! I have an almost 4 month old and my husband (of 1+ yr) already knows that if he ever indangerd her or me he'd be out of the picture...no custidy no nothin. I know it sounds harse but that's the way life is sometimes...I'd rather keep me and my daughter safe and happy then force myself to keep hiding things under the rug.
Now again this is just my opinion. I wish you well!!! and good luck what ever you do!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (14 September 2008):
 All of us here give advice from our own perspectives and based on our experiences. You are very young and you are married to a man who attacked you. No wonder you are not feeling lovingly towards him and no wonder you found yourself in someone else's arms. I would have done the same thing.
But you are still married. I am all for you busting out and finding the happiness you deserve and if this husband of yours is not attentive to you and the kids then you deserve better. But leave your husband for you and the kids, not some other man. There is plenty of time for this other man to wait for you while you get your things in order. Once you are single you may find that this new man just represented a better life and if you get this better life on your own, you may find happiness within.
Take care of you and take care of your kids. And be happy.
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