A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, i play on the xbox most nights with a lad ive known for atleast 7 years, i havnt really spoke to him or played on the console with him for the last 2 years as he played differant games but now hes joined up with me again, but hes met other gamers which you do, so now he comes and plays with me he also brings another gamer along which she is female, now ive been with my partner 16 years and we have 4 kids together my partner gets really jelous so i muted this other female icant speak to her nor can i hear her im just in the same team but my partner shouts and stress's at me everynight so i thought why dont you join in so she did but when in the game if you die you can buy the player back in which i ended up buying the other female gamer back in which my partner didnt like which now has got that bad ive had to delete the game ill now not beable to speak to my mate. I feel im not doing nothin wrong i shouldnt really be having to mute anybody, as ive seen and shes told me things she does while out at work in the pub she speaks to other people men and women she has friends, she has a facebook with men and women added even men from the pub, she even plays with men on a game she started to play a month back, why is she like this and am i in wrong i like gaming but everytime i jump on it she makes me feel as though im doing something wrong. Also like to add we do spend time together , we do things together, and when we do, do things together most times shes on her phone playing her games. She only seems happy when im just doing the house chores and looking after the kids, but if im on the game and the house is amess or the kids misbehave while im on the game she stress's at me, i then have to deal with the kids and tidy the mess up. Help me please.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2020): I’d take her being paranoid about who you interact with as a red flag, especially since there seems to be a double standard where she gets to talk to whoever she wants. People who are doing wrong tend to accuse others of wrongdoing, if you catch my drift. That aside, maybe cut back on your gaming. I’m also in my 30s and still set aside time for video games, but if my husband were to want me to cut back, I certainly would. (You have to be sure you aren’t neglecting anyone, partner or kids in favor of your games). I don’t agree with the opinion that games are only for children, but as an adult your responsibilities come first! You two need to sit down and hash this out, sooner rather than later. Make it clear to her there can’t be any more hypocrisy when it comes to who you talk to. If you can’t talk to the female gamer, then she can’t add men to Facebook that she meets at the pub. To be honest, her doing that seems far more shady than you simply talking to someone anonymous over a game, but that’s just my opinion. Agree on a specific amount of time to yourselves when your housework and other responsibilities are taken care of, and stick to it. Don’t go over. Also, agree to never neglect each other or your children in favor of something that isn’t technically necessary. It has to be BOTH of you who agrees to this, though. She has to be willing to compromise. Otherwise the relationship won’t work.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2020): There's evidently a power-struggle in your relationship; and she feels secure knowing she can monitor and regulate who you interact with. Gaming is the bone of contention in this situation.
People manipulate by being bullies and confrontational when you don't do what they want you to do. They'll go into a rage and throw tantrums, and make threats when they don't get their way. You have children, who are likely to be used as her pawns; if you "disobey" orders. That's how some women try to rule their households. They emasculate the men who should be her equal, her partner; and share responsibility and authority within your partnership. You shouldn't buckle under her nagging, ranting, and threats; because you fear she'll grab the kids, and try to kick you out. If this "partner" isn't your wife; I can see why you're inclined to be so passive when she's being the "man" in the relationship. If you have a history of cheating and philandering; then that also gives her an upper-hand. Guilt and a shady-past places her in the position to control over you; and maybe even to evict you, if you step out-of-line.
Your mate is hypocritical by the fact she has what she doesn't want you to have; others to share your time and attention with. Well, it's up to you to be the king of your castle; or allow her to rule the roost with tantrums and threats. Marriages (if you are married) work only when you compromise, make decisions together, and control your insecurities. When you dance around the insecurities and aggressive-behavior of your partner; she feels empowered to unfairly control you. She will only become drunken with power, having unchallenged-authority. Thus, you're here at DC seeking advice on how to feel like a proactive "presence" in your partnership; and have some measure of authority in your own domain. Well, you've made your bed!
You've been together 16 years, so why has gaming become such an issue in your household??? I don't think it's strictly over a lady gaming-partner. I do sense a bit of "wimpiness" on your part; and there is a backstory and untold details you haven't shared about that. Apparently she has always been domineering. Now you're getting older, and you're tired of it.
Simply have a serious sit-down discussion. Make it understood that as long as you can't game with your friends, and you must have restrictions on whom you game with; then you feel you'll do as you choose, until she follows her own rules. You can't let people rule-over your time and activities by using anger, threats, or aggression as a means to get your cooperation. It isn't cooperation when you bow under the control of others, it's obedience. Dude, you like to game; but don't forget you're still a full-grown man. You're enabling her to use aggression over compromise and negotiation. In other words, it's her way or the highway??? Relationships can't endure when one partner does as he or she pleases; but places undue-restrictions on the others that they don't even follow themselves. You are leaving out some major details here, my man!
I know how these one-sided stories often go. She is not here to defend herself, and deserves benefit of the doubt. I know how gamers get really engrossed and obsessed with their gaming and shut-out the world, they'll neglect their families; and often become total addicts. She also has a right to want your time and attention; and to make sure you spend time with your kids. You are fully-aware that bar-tending is a very sociable and public-friendly profession; that requires the kind of personality that draws patrons. Naturally, she will have male-friends and acquaintances; but you knew this when you agreed to be a committed-partner with that being her source of income. It also helps to pay the bills. Mainly tips, which can be pretty good at times!
I would assume you're both spending a lot more time together; while Covid-19 has closed-down most pubs and bars in the UK; for the sake of social distancing. This is when you both work things out. Equalize authority and behave like adults; rather than a couple of kids fighting over playtime, and jealousy of each-other's playmates. Seems silly, "I can have my guy-friends; but no girls allowed for you!" I doubt you're voluntarily submitting to this; unless she has some justification. If she let's-up, maybe gaming will completely overtake your household! You'll lose all perspective of your responsibilities, the house would be a mess; and the kids will have no-one keeping an eye on them while she's working. Every free moment of your time would be devoted to Xbox!
What's fair is fair. Bottom-line...if she can have male-friends and work in a bar full of men drinking; you will regulate and control who you choose to game with. You are not an irresponsible teenager requiring parental-monitoring...are you? It should be a given that you will do your share of the chores, and minding your own brood; because you are their father, and live in the same house. You will make sure that your interaction with your lady gaming-partner(s) are strictly that, gaming-partners! You should compromise by following a set of rules that you "both" agree to, and you have both negotiated between you. If she doesn't want to compromise; then man-up and enjoy your gaming full-throttle. Meanwhile, keep taking care of your kids and doing your chores. If she sleeps by day, and works by night; you get to do a good percentage of the household chores. It is likely she'll be out of work for sometime; so you two better come to some reasonable negotiations; or you're going to spend a lot of time fighting and resentful of each other.
I don't know the dynamics of your relationship; so all the advice I'm offering is purely speculative. I can only make suggestions and offer generalized advice.
Don't pander to her jealousy. Jealousy becomes a sickness, and can be very toxic in a relationship. If you feel threatened that she has an upper-hand, because she thinks taking your children from you is her ace up her sleeve; then you weren't very wise in choosing someone jealous and inflexible to have kids with. She is used to having it her way; and nags a lot. It's what must keep you on pins and needles; and treading so lightly when she puts her foot down. If you are an obsessive and addictive-gamer, she's right to pull on the reins!!! She's forced to hold her family together the best way she knows how. A gaming-addiction is a powerful force to reckon with; and to some degree, she may be forced to be the way she is. People with addictions are the last to admit they're addicted. We're getting only one-side of this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2020): Games are for children.When are you going to grow up?Maybe if you have so much time to game you should get a second job instead.You have four children....college costs a lot of money.Your life is not your own anymore.It stopped being your own when you made four children.Same with your spouse.Use the little extra time you use to game and put your kids first.Your kids are real ....your games are not.Time to be a parent...both of you need to grow up.Teach your kids to read and read books yourself to encourage them.Ditch those games and be a positive influence on your kids.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 April 2020):
 "if im on the game and the house is amess or the kids misbehave while im on the game she stress's at me, i then have to deal with the kids and tidy the mess up. Help me please."
Seriously? She's left doing the housework and looking after your 4 children while you are playing games "most nights" and you don't understand how you can fix this? The woman is either a doormat or has the patience of a saint. Whichever way, you need to wake up, grow up and start acting like a father and partner before this woman realizes she might just be better off without you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2020): She clearly loves the convenience you bring to her life. She doesn't want you to be you but a version of you that's practical to her life so she prefers that you stop doing things that you like instead of having to deal with her own jealousy. That is a very dangerous situation where your partner could end up seriously affecting your personality and your mental well-being. I would be careful of how you approach to deal with this situation if you intend to remain with her, because she is much likely self-centered enough that she will throw a show and do everything to shut your complains with emotional blackmail and other pesky attitudes. The situation only gets harder with kids involved, so honestly its not going to be easy to solve. Consider couple therapy if she is not too close-minded for that. And if she is, well... Maybe considering giving some distance so everyone can clear their minds a bit and later trying to talk again. But do not be accessible in the meantime, it's required so that you can think about things and she as well without one polluting the other one's mind.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 April 2020):
 I am with N91,
How much time do you actually game?
I'm an avid "gamer" myself, having played for 20 years. I usually play with my husband but occasionally we play different games. I try and limit the time I play during "social hours" so when the family is home, up and about. Now with the virus, that can be more iffy, but again, I try and make sure I spend time with the hubby and the kids, more than with my in-game friends.
So PLAN at home game night with the whole family - like BOARD games.
Plan a week or bi-weekly date-night with your partner.
There is a reason, I think, she isn't totally keen on this.
If you normally do the chores, then DO those BEFORE jumping on the game. Take the kids out and run around, play soccer or what not so they are nicely worn out and then SET a timer and play an hour online with friends. When the hours is up. INTERACT with your ACTUAL family.
You MADE 4 kids, it is PARTLY your job to raise them. And it's your privilege to ENJOY them. If you blink you will miss out.
the kids misbehave because they aren't disciplined and because they are bored and want attention and interactions from YOU and your partner. And no, discipline doesn't mean a spanking or yelling but TEACHING your kids right from wrong, give them some chores, giving them tools in how is OK and what is not.
Also... WHY is she your "partner" if you have been together for 16 years?! Maybe that is also the reason she is acting jealous about other women online?
I think it should be TOTALLY OK to game with people of the opposite gender. I do that quite often, mostly the groups I play with are mixed, so other married couple we have known for a decade or so. If hubby play with other people I don't mind at all, and vice verse - because I know them and neither of us have EVER been inappropriate with other gamers online.
Which leads me to think...
There is something you haven't told, that has to do with you and women online, I think. That could explain why she is being like this, I can see why you omitted it though... it makes you look bad. Am I right in thinking that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2020): Are you seriously in your thirties?
At what stage do people grow up and leave the gaming to the children?
Seriously, though you aren't doing much wrong in speaking to your female friend, you are certainly wrong to neglect your partner on a daily basis to play on your xbox.
What does your partner do when you're playing on your toys?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 April 2020):
 What do you actually do together? How long do you game every night?
I enjoy playing on my PlayStation every now and again but I can see how annoying it would be for your partner to be on it every night without fail. You’re completely focussed on it and let’s be honest you’re not having a quick game for 10 minutes it’s usually at least an hour or two, so if you’re doing that every night whilst she’s left cleaning the house or looking after the kids then it’s not hard to see why she finds it annoying.
Does she actually enjoy gaming? Or do you just try to get her involved so that it’s something you do together and she will accept it more? Do you help around the house and look after the kids? Or just palm it off for time on the Xbox? You need to think from her perspective as well, do you find it annoying when she’s off down the pub or do you not mind it? If you are happy with her doing that, then there should be some form of compromise where she leaves you to game, providing you’re helping out around the house of course.
I think you guys need a sit down and to discuss this openly. After 16 years things can easily get stale and it sounds like it may be heading for that point.
Give us a bit more info from what I’ve asked and we will go from there.
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