A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for 4 years now, and generally our relationship is great, but we do have a problem. I know I have a higher sex drive than he does, but over the last couple of years his just seems to keep decreasing. I can only remember one instance in the last 4-5 months when he initiated sex - it always seems to be me who does that. And while he seems to enjoy it enough when it's happening, actually getting him to that stage is no easy task. If there's something on TV soon that he might like to watch, or he hasn't checked his emails/Facebook/news sites recently, or there's a video on one of his favourite YouTube channels he hasn't watched yet, or he had been thinking of playing a video game soon, or he's a bit hot/cold/hungry/was thinking of having a shower, I get turned down in place of that thing, every time. In short, I feel like intimacy with me is ranked similarly to "doing the washing up" on his list of things he likes to do, that he only has time for it when he can't think of anything else to do instead. And I find that pretty hurtful.I have talked to him about this. He always assures me that it's not that he's not attracted to me or doesn't want to, he just really wanted to do that other thing at the time. But I don't really find that helpful, as I am still constantly finding myself turned down for a game he wants to play on his iPad, or a rerun of a quiz show. And that just makes me feel unwanted and unattractive. I'm not asking for him to have sex with me all the time - ideally I think a few times a week would be great, and that's probably about the amount of times I try to bring it up with him, but at the moment I'd say I manage to get him interested maybe once or twice a month. Does anyone have any advice on how I can make this work? As I said we have a great relationship otherwise, I so want for us both to be happy in this too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2015): As someone with a low sex drive I do know that there is nothing more off putting than a partner with a high sex drive who constantly wants sex. It does indeed become like washing up! The only real solution for me is to be with someone the same as me who is happy with sex once or twice a week. I dated someone once who wanted it three times daily and they just got on my nerves to be honest. I do think matching sex drives is really important in a relationship otherwise it builds up to problems as time goes on.
Equally it becomes very insulting if you are constantly initiating and being turned down. In my experience most young men usually want sex all the time so I would assume there is a medical or depression type problem here maybe?
If it is just the way he is and always has been then I guess its up to you what you would put up with? Whether you can deal with being rejected and how bad it makes you feel? I think it would be very easy to find a man that wanted more sex- but they might not have other qualities your partner has.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 July 2015):
 I get the feeling that after 4 years, the sex has become more like a chore, he feels there's nothing exciting about it, that he's seen it all and done it all, and that even the exercise of taking his clothes off and getting in the mood with the foreplay is just too much of a bother.
Is everything OK in his life otherwise?
Does he watch porn?
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (5 July 2015):
 He is very special to you and you enjoy a great relationship it's just making love that's the issue.
But the word ''just'' is really not enough.
You share an intimate loving bond and it is entirely reasonable that you want to celebrate your relationship with enjoyable sex, playful fun, and making love and all the intimacy, kisses and cuddles that apply.
Is he in good health? Is he due for a thorough check up to ensure that nothing medical is affecting him?
Does he spend much time in the sun or too much time indoors? Because a lack of sun could be causing some depression. The Doctor could determine his Vit D levels and see if some sunlight and some added Vit D with Calcium could make a difference to his libido.
Does he have some values that make him think sex is embarassing for him? If that was the case then perhaps he could explore where that started, in his mind with a psychologist.
How long since the two of you, only the two of you, went on a romantic holiday somewhere special that is a destination not frequented by the masses? Perhaps a holiday where the two of you have no tv, no internet, phones turned off and it's just you and him? Could that spark thing up?
Is there anything worrying him, a lot, about a family matter or about work? That may need talking about
It is thoroughly insulting if he treats making love as just another chore, like taking out the trash, mowing the lawn or watching a re-run of a quiz show.
He is not prioritizing the relationship.
I guess when he feels guilty enough about his disinterest and apathy towards making love that he finally initiates the intimacy.
You and he get on very well, but he's treating you like a good friend who he occasionally has sex with.
That must be so very disheartening.
Sounds like he has a libido several points below your libido.
He's not resorting to Porn, so he's not even missing the intimacy in any form - real or electronic.
Asking that he lift his sex drive, resorting to pleading, hinting for more sex is not working.
Preparing a romantic meal may not even be enough for him.
I don't think incentives will not work, as you want him to want you, you should not have to plead, nor should you try to strike up some sort incentive in any case - it's demeaning for you.
Sadly for you, he's not interested, enough.
All the pages of the Kama Sutra, the Joy of Sex and whatever else you can think of in the way of sex toys, feather dusters, satin sheets, fancier nighties, scented candles are going to mean zilch if you have misaligned sex drives.
Yes he could see a registered sex therapist. Yes you could get couples counselling. But would he want to?
Sounds like he is comfortable with his level of interest in sex and intimacy.
But how long do you want to go on suffering?
Because if he has a sex drive that is low now then it may just get lower. One day he may even ask for separate bedrooms. Something like that would be a crushing blow.
Then you will have to face no sex. That would be a horrible outcome for a lady who is not yet 35.
Since you love him, get on well with him and want to stay with him then perhaps the only solutions could include you resorting to fantasies, masterbation and maybe start a project that takes your mind off this missing part of your life.
If you both had a low sex drive then everything would be cosy and comforting.
If you both had a high sex drive things could be very satisfying for you.
But a man with a high sex drive may lack all the important attributes of your partner. And not for one moment have you mentioned anything about leaving your husband.
I guess it comes down to what you are prepared to put up with, and for how long. Don't allow it to make you bitter or closed to the world and resentful of what others enjoy. That will not help you. If you allow that to happen it is likely to show in your attitudes towards others and your actions and on your face.
Some foods are said to improve libido like oysters, asparagus, spicy food and chocolate.
Do consider seeking some counselling to put things in perspective.
Because I think it must be just horrible to suffer this lack and be faced with a partner who is just not as interested.
You deserve some support.
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