A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm 50 years old and my partner has been living with me for almost 2 years. My 20 yr old daughter lives with me and I know I run round after her even though she snaps at me most the time. She hardly does any housework and never pays lodgings even though she works full time. I' manage without her money, but even though I've asked her a few times, she never gives it. Anyway, my partner has said he's moving out as he can't stand the way she treats me. I feel guilty as I moved out the martial home when she was 9 . I had to go to court to get better access. Her dad was very domineering and I'm a doormat.I suffer from facial pain and have done for 12 years. I take antidepressants for this, but its still there all the time.I feel useless now. I've started drinking wine most evenings. I've just changed jobs and as its totally different to what I've done before I feel crap at that too. Everything I do seems slow or wrong.I don't want my partner to move out. I know my daughter doesn't like him and vice versa.I'm scared my daughter really hates me and I want her to like me.My partner says he loves me but he can't stay and watch the way she is with me.
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reader, C. Grant  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 "I'm scared my daughter really hates me and I want her to like me."
An understandable sentiment, certainly. Personally I think as parents we have to choose to either parent or to try to be a friend. If we successfully parent, our children may one day decide they truly do like us, or at least appreciate us. I'm not sure it works as well the other way around.
I've seen quite a few people in your position -- guilty at the breakup of their marriage, they do their best to "be nice" to their child at the expense of enforcing rules and expectations. The result, sadly, is often what you're experiencing -- an adult offspring with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and and underdeveloped sense of respect. Your husband treated you as a doormat, and your daughter seems to have picked up where he left off.
It seems clear that your partner and your daughter don't belong under the same roof, at least the way she is now. If you want him to stay, you have to stop letting your daughter treat you like a doormat. Make it clear to her that from now on she has a specific set of tasks to contribute to the care of the household, and that she must pay room and board. Otherwise she must find a place of her own. At 20 this is hardly an unreasonable demand on your part. Indeed, it's overdue.
Best wishes.
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