A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can I make him feel differently?Ok i am infatuated/obsessed with/in love with a male colleague. I put all 3 as I am not entirely sure what it is yet.I work with him everyday very closely. In fact we cannot avoid being in close proximity, sitting together and chatting frequently throughout the day. When I started working with him 9 months ago I felt nothing like this, but over the past few weeks suddenly everything has changed. I find it hard to be around him as I just want to hug him or touch him or be with him alone. The feelings have been reciprocated. Nothing physical has happened between us, not even a kiss but we have hugged (long meaningful hugs), held hands and I guess flirted. It got to a point where we could nearly have allowed a kiss to happen but we didn't and then we met up for a drink. I have had a giddy, sickly teenage feeling around him, can't concentrate on work for a while and when he agreed to go out with me I was over the moon.But there was a problem... During the drink he told me how much he liked me, he said I was so much in his head it scared him, he said he had fantasised about me and wondered how he could make something further work with me, but he would not take things further and would not allow anything to happen- the reason, he has a wife. I was gutted. He said he had a fantastic marriage and did not want an affair. He had the complete package at home. At this point I know I should have walked away but the problem was that I was and am already in too deep. I have really fallen for him. It would be less complicated, but here is my other problem...Since the chat we had we have continued to hold hands, flirt, hug in private. Nothing has changed in that respect except that there are boundaries he has put in place. Obviously this has been confusing for me, so we have had further chats with me determined I can break him down. During these chats he has said he has feelings for me, but he expects if he doesn't act on them they will go away. He said he thought it was a joke when I showed an interest in him and has made comments about how he doesn't think I will feel the way I do at Christmas, I've said I expect I still will feel this way and they will be more by Christmas. I said what happens if I do still feel like this by Xmas and he said cross that bridge if it happens. It is like he expects this to be a passing fling I have that will disappearHe enjoys what I can offer him and likes being close and flirting but that's where it stops.Then a few days ago he agreed to meet me out of work for a drink. When we met, he had bought food and drink and drove me to a quiet spot in the country where we just chatted and chilled out for 2 hours, it was great. The hugs and cuddles and closeness were there and it was so affectionate. We both felt so much. He said I was still in his head.I asked to meet him again and he said he would not lie to his wife. Next time we met he would have to tell his wife he was meeting up with a girl from work for a drink(she wouldn't mind apparently). Their marriage has been built on trust and he says he is a crap liar. Delving deeper he is actually so afraid of her finding out. I think about him all the time, we text every night even though I have seen him all day. Last night he texted how he is having fun getting to know me and how I am such an intriguing and incredible person to have as a friend. Then the confusing part when he said he has never been so far down this road before and we are both working out what this friendship is! If he was that committed to the wife, why would he still hug, hold hands and flirt with me, to me that is already crossing a line whether we kiss or notWhy would he say things like you won't feel this way at Xmas, or we are building a great friendship and working this out. He has told me to move on and find someone else, but I just feel too much to do that. What is his game?.
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female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (22 April 2013):
It doesn't really sound like he has a game. He's already told you that he's happy with his wife and has it made, so there's no reason for him to chance it with you. Not that you're not a good person and someone that he wouldn't want to be with if he was single. But the truth is, he's not single and he probably likes the attention from you and may genuinely like you as a person, but if he has no plans on leaving, you're not going to be able to change his mind. Getting out of a marriage is a big deal. Maybe if he was genuinely unhappy in his marriage and couldn't stand his wife and was looking for a way out, then maybe. But sounds like you should look elsewhere, he's already told you that. Might as well quit wasting your time!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): I have just been the other woman. It is horrible. I would give almost anything to go back in time to the point you are at now and walk away. I am standing in the ruins of my life and it will take years - if ever - for me to completely recover and be ok. Being the other woman in an affair with a married man is the most damaging, soul-destroying thing you could ever do. Please, trust me, and RUN away from this situation. We all think our situations are different - that he obviously doesn't love and care for his wife, that we are "the one," that we can fix him and save him and be his second chance at the life he says he wants. It is all lies. You will be used for one thing and discarded without a second thought when it's convenient for him. Do yourself a favor and get as far away from him as possible. Take it from someone whose life has been ruined over this. It all ends the same way.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (17 April 2013):
 Hi
The simple fact is he *is* married, he has a wife at home.That means he is off limits to you or any other woman.
Do you really want to wreck his life,his wifes life, probably his job too, simply because you have a crush on him.It's a dangerous,selfish game YOUR playing here.
You need to look for another job or a transfer and/or treat him as a friend and look for somebody else who *is* available because this can only end in tears
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): You are the one who is 'determined' to break him.
I am absolutely certain that if you chose to stop pursuing him, you would realize that he truely cares for his wife.
Why not be a big girl and learn that married men are off limits. You are testing limits that can ruin your career, his career, and his marriage. He is not the one playing a game. You are! The simple fact that you think this is some sort of game and a married man is a prize is PROOF you need to grow up before you try to have a real relationship.
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