| A
female
,
*oony
writes: My partner is obsessed with his son he loves him to distraction, nothing wrong with that but his behaviour is so bad eg swearing name calling hitting me and his father. He will not tell him off or show him boundries neither will his mother. He wants to take him abroad this year again but his ex will only allow him to go if she accompanys him and i dont i asked what he is going to do andd he said i love my boy so she will get her own way please help i love him
View related questions:
his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 July 2006):
 This whole situation stinks to high heaven. There is no way that you should be excluded and the EX be included. Obviously you are second fiddle to your partner and he will cave to the son in all respects. Children need to know that they are loved but that the parent also has a special love for their partner. You need to make your voice heard and if he doesn't listen then you have two choices: be willing to play second fiddle to the son and ultimately the ex OR break it off and find the guy that puts you in a starring role.
A
female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (22 July 2006):
 The only reason that the little boy behaves like that is because he is unhappy. He would be much happier with boundaries; secure and grounded. You know that. His parents are over compensating for the fact that he does not have them together any longer. His ex wife does not trust him to take the child abroad and I wonder why. Does she think he will abduct the boy? My ex husband takes my son (8)wherever they want to go. I have been in a situation like yours and I got nowhere. It failed. There is nothing you can do if your partner does not want to listen. Worse than that, if any mileage was to be made in this relationship his wife and he would both have to follow and agree the same regime. This looks unlikely.
You are going to have to decide where to pitch yourself. Number one is you. Maybe you should have less to do with the son. You can't be expected to participate as step mother if you have no say about how things will be and if there is no teamwork. You could ask your partner what worries him most about his relationship with his son, just see what he says and try to understand why the behavioural boundaries are so weak. You may uncover fears that you don't know about. Unless you can find a way together to help the son and work with the mother...I just see you getting more and more despondent.
Does he love you? Children need to be nurtured and protected at all costs but a partner should not be in competition. There is more than enough love to share and anyway they are different kinds of love. He should be respecting you. I feel that his ex has more power than you, even though they are no longer together. It can not work if that is the case, not unless he can wake up to it. I am sorry to be negative because I always try to be positive.
Perhaps he is afraid that she will make it hard for him to see his son if he does not toe the line. Perhaps she makes it hard for the son to see his Dad, by making him feel that he is betraying her, perhaps she says negative things about him to alienate the son from his Dad. Maybe that is why he kicks out, or maybe he is getting over the big hurt of his parents splitting up. Whatever, there is no way that a respectful, loving, emotionally mature partner would do anything other than put you first if you got hurt by his child. Children need to see adults working together, not feel that they are the ones with the power. It is so important for their security to see strong adults taking care of them.
Maybe you should let him go on holiday with his ex and have a think while he is gone. By-the-way, if you think about it don't you think it strange that he did not discuss the holiday arrangements with you at the very first moment? What on earth is he doing organising something with his ex wife first and totally overlooking your opinion? How is it that you have missed this point?
Maybe you should say that you would prefer him to take a holiday in this country this year, if his wife does not trust him. His wife may be trying to drive a wedge between you and cause trouble. Why not point his out to him and ask whether he really would like her to succeed with that or don't you think it would be much more effective if you, together, found a way forward. He does not need to prove to his son that he loves him by taking him abroad. There are plenty of great places to go that will be appreciated. It is ridiculous to say that he must take his child abroad because he loves him.
Perhaps his wife can be worked on for next year. This is your compromise to him. If he went with his ex wife I personally would have nothing to do with him.
It is the most terrible feeling to find oneself so low in the pecking order having started out with high hopes, romance and love. He seems obsessed with this power struggle and you seem powerless. What a fool he is, he should be committed to keeping you beyond anything and not making you feel like an idiot. If it were me that is exactly what I would be feeling. Why don't you show him your question and the answers that you get. The very best of luck in a very difficult situation. I feel quite mad on your behalf....perhaps you can tell.
...............................
A
female
reader, karenw61 +, writes (22 July 2006):
hi
you need to make your position quiet clear if you love this man it means he needs to consider your feelings as well if you are willing to take on his son it has to be a two way street the child needs to respect you as well. and if this man is still listening to his ex ,to this extent you have to question where his loyalties lie
...............................
|
