A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'd like some advice on how to stop feeling so negative towards a child. I know im a horrible person for feeling this way, honestly you have no idea how low I'm feeling so I'm not looking for insults or negative comments regarding this, I'm coming to you guys for help on how to overcome these feelings.In a nutshell my when my partner split with his ex partner a few years ago, he kept contact with her 5 year old daughter as they became close and his partner used him for babysitting (my partner now admits that he knows hes was taken advantage of and was being used by his ex - when my partner and i had been together for 6 months she even tried to get me to babysit her daughter so she could go out drinking even tho I'd never met her). But my partner quite rightly didnt want to upset the little girl so he still takes her swimming or to the park and has her for 6 days a month spread out. At first i didnt mind as id occasionally join them and I'd teach her baking and we had fun and her mum was single so there was no male figure in the girls life as she doesnt know who her dad is. But for some reason instead of me getting used to my partner looking after her, im finding it more and more difficult to the point where i don't want to even see the little girl as every time i look at her all I can think of is the negative things that have happened. I hate the thought of her being in my house and just want nothing to do with her but just to clarify, i would never show this to her, so according to her nothing has changed. Anyway the things that just are upsetting me and making me angry and resenting both my partner and his ex's kid are as follows;When my partner and i had a baby last year, he said to me he wouldn't look after his ex's kid for 2 weeks as he wanted us to get some time to adjust with a baby and as a family as it was a first child for both of us. I didnt ask him to do this, he offered. In the end i had to have a cesarean which went wrong so i was very week when i came out of hospital and really struggled moving about the house. However his ex then rings when our baby is 4 days old and said she needs help and has no one to look after her daughter (even tho her mum is unemployed and lives round the corner from them) so my partner leaves me with the baby and fetches the girl and brings her over for the day. This happens three times in the first two weeks. The third time i said i couldn't cope with the little girl over as i was exhausted and she keeps waking the baby so my partner takes her out for the day instead and leaves me alone with a newborn after major surgery. I cannot explain how upset this made me as he couldn't let his ex down but let me down 3 times in two weeks.When our baby was 6 weeks old my partner agreed to look after the little girl over night but due to our child being up throughout the night he didnt think it was fair having her round ours so he took her camping instead. I remember waking every 3 hours throughout the night feeding the baby and all i could think of was my partner was somewhere else looking after his ex's kid and not his own.The little girl is very demanding and cannot go into a shop without demanding something and will cry if she doesnt get her own way. Multiple times my partner has bought her clothes or presents and left him and i short on money so ive had to use my savings for rent and nappies but hes lied to me about it and said he doesnt know where his money has gone. I only find out because the girl mentions things hes bought her when shes round and my partner then says it was only cheap when i know it wasnt. He takes her on expensive days out, buys her food etc then leaves us with no money. I feel like he spends more time with her then he does our son. Because of the time he works hes only sees our baby for 15 mins a day during the week, and then on his first day off her has to look after her so leaves me alone with the baby. In the past 7 days hes had 3 days off of work and 2 of those he has spent with her. Im getting so angry with being left alone all the time. He even left me alone one evening until 10pm to babysit the girl because his ex has been moaning that her and her new boyfriend hadnt had a night out together in ages so my partner offered. Yet him and i have been out together 3times in 8 months.Hi ex has a new partner and they are expecting a baby and live together so why does my partner keep looking after her so much? I feel like i cant ask him to cut down the visits because everytime his mum and nan tell him needs to cut it down, he gets angry and won't talk to them and then vents to me about how angry he is so i know he'd do the same to me.For some reason the girl has been told my son is her brother. She knows my partner isnt her dad yet him and his ex have referred to our son as her brother. I think it was so she didnt feel left out or like my partner was replacing her. I didnt get a choice in this, it was done whenever i wasnt around and when i asked my partner he said he felt like he had no choice. So now when my son is older and this girl says shes his sister, am i meant to lie to my son and say yes?? Or am i meant to upset the girl and say "actually no you're not his sister". The situation is so messed up.What can i do? Im starting to feel hate towards the girl because of everything that has gone on when its not her fault but my partners and his ex? Do i even have a right to be angry and upset over this all or and i just overreacting?? It seems so trivial when i write it down but im constantly upset and in tears when things like this keep happening but my partner said before we got together that he'd always put kids first before a partner, even if they arent his kids.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): I don't think you're over reacting. The people who have jumped quickly to criticise you aren't being fair at all, you've bottled up these feelings that yor partner chooses someone else over you for too long - of course resentment will build, even towards a child and you clearly don't want to be like that.You need to talk to your partner, even his own mother sees what he is doing is wrong. I would maybe even talk to her(his mum). If he doesn't change what options are you considering? Splitting up? Asking him to move out? You need to decide what the result is going to be if he doesn't start to break away from this young girl. It is simply unhealthy and odd that he maintains visits like he is a father, when he isn't. His actions, and his ex supporting and encouraging them, are going to damage this girl psychologically. Calling your newborn child her brother?! That would be the straw that breaks the camels back for me too. I would seriously question if he is her father, has he been honest with you? You need to sit him down and point out exactly how little time he is spending with his own son, and he is giving that time away to someone who isn't even his child (apparently). If he can't see that is wrong, I would tell him you are considering leaving him - because he is not doing anything a partner or father should and therefore - what point is there for him to be around? I would probably talk to him mum, she will agree with you and may help in making him see reason as she not want to see her grandson being lost before her eyes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): No one is really behaving like an adult here, and I'm sorry to say but that includes yourself. I don't mean to be hurtful.
The little girl (I assume she is not biologically his) is going to grow up with a very unhealthy and confused message about who this man is in her life. He is not a Dad, or an Uncle or a brother or even a Godfather. He is an ex partner of the Mum and the Mum has - on the surface of it, if not actually - moved onto a new partner. She is going to grow up with the idea that a man who does not live with her and who has a child of his own and a partner of his own will, nevertheless, intermittently arrive in her life and make a huge fuss of her. She will long for him when he is away and she will get confused when another man (for example, the mother's new partner) tried to bond with her in a similar way. Quite frankly, this is setting a pattern for the girl to grow up thinking that men who love you are unavailable most of the time, but then they do, from time to time, shower you with love and affection and material goods. It is NOT a good message to send out to her and she will suffer for it as an adult.
What's frustrating is that neither the Mum nor your partner seem to have thought about the long term effects of this. The Mum seems to simply be one of those women who enjoys exerting her power over another woman's partner - and there are PLENTY of women like this. They don't necessarily want the man to be their partner, they just want to know they have the power to be able to pull his strings in a way that his own partner can't.
On the other hand, your partner is having his ego fed by the idea that he is irreplacable to this little girl, when in fact he isn't. He needs to have his ego stroked by the idea that a poor little 'abandoned' child needs him. It's making him feel powerful and strong and, importantly, like he himself has not been abandoned. Strange as it may sound, your partner very likely has a deep rooted fear of being abandoned, one that he would probably totally deny if you said this. In maintaining this bond with this little girl he is feeding his ego - feeling like a big, powerful man. But in making sure SHE doesn't feel abandoned by him , he also ensures that he himself never feels abandoned. Sometimes people MUST find someone who needs them because being needed, especially by someone vulnerable, means that the person coming to the rescue is no longer alone.
The other respondent is right. In a sense the woman and your partner are playing games, but I'm not sure how conscious it all is. The way she keeps pulling his strings won't feel like that to him, because he is getting his ego fed, massively, by keeping coming to the 'rescue' of this little girl. The more he goes there, the more the woman maintains her sense of power.
YOU will have to be the one to act like an adult, here, because he is not going to and neither is she. You can either reason with him, pointing out what I've said (above) about this laying out a dangerous message for the little girl about unavailable men. OR you get a MALE 'babysitter' to look after your own child so that you can go out. OR you simply tell your partner it's over, pure and simple, on grounds that he is not protecting you and your child in the way that a man and father should and, instead, is like a puppet on a string for this other woman. Bizarrely, many people put others BEFORE their own family because they simply adore the attention it gets them - it's somehow more rewarding for them, particularly if they are, in reality, emotionally unavailable to those who they should be closer to. And, in a nutshell, this is what you have on your hands - an emotionally unavailable man who doesn't like the day to day humdrum and real intimacy of family, but loves the thrill and attention of 'playing' Dad to someone else's kid.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 March 2015):
 No, don't hate the girl. She's all innocent. I believe he and his ex are still playing games. He doesn't like that her new boyfriend is playing new dad so he is reasserting his territory by going over there. It is less about putting kids first but more about not wanting to be replaced as a dad. He had bonded with that kid for more years than he's had with the your baby. It doesn't make it right, especially he's his biological son. I am afraid the only way to make him possessive about his son is for you to seek out a new boyfriend, not that you should right now but that's how his ego operates. Then he will start family #3 and that whole drama repeats. You have to explain your hurt feelings and if he doesn't cut back on visiting the ex then you would have to break up with him and fight for sole custody. Legally speaking, once he broke up with his ex, his parental rights were forsaken since she's not biologically his. He would be like an uncle and should behave like one. If he's not helping out financially then you would need court mandated child supports from him.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (21 March 2015):
hi, I think I remember you writing in about this when your baby was first born. Sorry to see that the problem is ongoing and personally I can totally see why you are upset. Firstly, is your partner definitely not this girls father? Secondly are things between him and his ex definitely over? Thirdly does she really have a new boyfriend? Im not trying to be harsh but Im just wondering why your partner panders to his ex yet neglects you. You are wise enough to acknowledge that the fault lies with your partner. Have you thought about talkng to his mum about this? He needs to know how it makes you feel whether he likes it or not. X
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 March 2015):
 Your question did not read as trivial, and you are not over reacting.
You need to stop bottling it all up, you need to communicate your feelings to your partner, tell him how it made you feel when he left you and the new baby alone, and how it makes you feel that you are not the priority.
If you feel you can't talk to him, write it all down in a letter and hand it to him, tell him pretty much what you have told us, don't include too much about how you feel about the little girl, but do mention how you are starting to resent her and the money/time/resources that are being taken away from your child and you.
I hate to say this to a young mum, but if after he reads the letter, and hopefully some honest communication happens, if it seems that things are not going to alter I would consider leaving him, its far better to be a contented single mum than a miserable partnered one.
I hope you can sort it out so that nobody misses out, good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): The trouble with posts like yours is that it is difficult to determine how much is truly what happened, and how much of what you write is venting your resentment and building a case for yourself. Don't ask anyone not to say anything negative; because that's not going to happen. We say it in defense of an innocent child. I don't care how demanding she is, or how spoiled she is. She is still only a child.
As for all this leaving you alone with the baby. Say something about it, and put it in the same wording as you presented in the post. Direct. You feel he is spending too much time tending to another child, and he has his own now.
Point made.
Resentment for an innocent child is inexcusable. It's jealousy, because you don't like the care and attention you have to share. You want it all to yourself. You knew of this when you first came into his life, and then turned around to bring another child into it; because you thought it would drive the other child out. Deny it if you will, but it's hard not to see it that way.
You must dig deep into your adult-heart and force yourself to bury the resentful feelings away. You can't hold it against the child. I will not be told how to offer my advice. I'll give it to you straight-on; because that is how you must receive it when children are involved. She has no father-figure, she cares for him, and she doesn't know your hidden resentment for her. Trust me, as I know children; they can sense it. The can see your true feelings in your eyes, and by the way you touch them. If you're cold and never coddle them lovingly, they will pretend not to notice. Just so she can still be with him.
You're an adult. So you have the ability to suppress and control inappropriate feelings. Now that you're a mother yourself, your instincts should dilute some of the jealousy and resentment toward a child. Direct the feelings where they really should go, toward him. He's the one doing the things you don't like. He's the one you claim is neglecting you and the baby for her. Which I don't believe for one minute. Nobody that caring and supportive would turnaround and be so cold and unfeeling toward his own flesh and blood, nor you. That is how you wish to perceive it, because you view him through the eyes of jealousy and resentment. If he's that bad, you always have option to dump him and move on. That was always available to you. No one forced you to remain and compete with a child for attention.
Be honest and tell him you want to see less of the child.
Then see what his reaction will be. I truly believe he would find a way to fix things to make you happy. I don't think he would understand why you would feel such a way. I know people can only put on a facade for so long, before their true colors show. I know that turning inappropriate feelings around is not hard for a mature and decent person.
I know you are, or you wouldn't have bothered to seek advice about it. Read your post, and that often helps people to do an about-face on behavior they know isn't right. They don't really need advice, because they usually already know better. As you do. I gave you tough-love, because I know it is necessary.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): You made a poor choice in choosing a partner and had a child with him outside wedlock thus tying yourself to him forever.What you need now is damage control. Celebrate that you have a beautiful boy but acknowledge that you will parent him as a single mother. You may be with your boyfriend officially but you are living like a single mother.Get your finances in order and start preparing for your future. Have him move out or you move out with your baby. There's nothing you can do to change him. He's consistently been an idiot right from the start. Even words of wisdom from his mother don't make a difference. You need to see that and move on. Or stay with him in misery. The little girl has done nothing wrong as you know. The problem is your partner.Get rid of him
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