A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Last October/November I went on my boyfriends phone as I had a feeling he was upto something. I didn't want to go on his phone as I know it is wrong and invading his privacy however it was eating away at me and I couldn't settle. I found messages to numerous amount of girls saying 'Hey sexy' 'When are we next meeting up' I also found a picture a girl had sent him. I confronted him about it and after a week of not knowing what to do as I don't believe in second chances, he said he would prove to me, whether it take days, months, years that I can trust him he was willing to prove it no matter how long it takes. Five months later and I obviously don't 100% trust him, he rarely goes out with his friends on nights out anymore however tonight he is and I cannot helpt but think that he is going to do the same thing. Deep down I know he won't but it's still playing at the back of my mind and it upsets me. I literally dread it, I constantly think of what he's upto when he is out and it shouldnt be like that. I want to relax and not worry about what he's upto, I don't want to be that sort of girlfriend but I don't know how I can move on from feeling like this.I would like some help or advice please as this isn't how I want to carry on in our relationship. I know the trust won't come back just like that, it takes as long as it does but I need some advice on where to go from here. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): You sound exactly like me. I caught my boyfriend chatting with/texting/flirting with numerous girls online one year ago. Since then, I have been extremely insecure, jealous, untrusting, paranoid, etc. It honestly hasn't gotten any easier throughout the year, in all honesty. He's done just what your boyfriend promised you and has tried to regain my trust by not going out, giving me access to his phone and his e-mail, letting me know where he's at or what he's doing - everything. But I still can't completely trust him. That being said, there have been a couple instances of broken trust since then, but not pertaining to anything to do with infidelity.It sucks to say it, but I don't know that it will ever go away. If you want to stay with him, you either have to accept these feelings and be okay with them, or you have to let him go to try and find happiness elsewhere. Like you, I'm definitely not okay with these feelings, but I love him and want to be with him so for now, I have to be. I don't know if the time will come that they feel less overwhelming, but all you can do is move forward and take things day-by-day. And never forget that despite how painful it may be, YOUR second chance isn't out of the question.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): He has to regain your trust, but that's going to be hard; because you're naturally suspicious. Thus you couldn't resist checking his phone, and BINGO!!! You found what you suspected all the long.
The best advice I can give you is not to go for flirtatious or overly-popular types. You might be more comfortable with the quiet and reserved kind of guy.
There isn't much anyone can tell you but to try and suppress the feelings as best you can. Jealous and anxious people shouldn't be dating, if they can't handle those feelings. You're dating a human being capable of making mistakes. You'll be the same with any guy. Is he kind and respectful of you at all times? That's most important.
He has numerous messages from girls and pictures; so that is going to be stuck in your mind for some time to come. You said you don't believe in second-chances; but you've made the exception this time. If that's what you've chosen to do, then stick to it.
You'll never find any guarantees in any relationship; and you can spend a greater part of your time worrying every-time he's out of your sight, or you can allow yourself to enjoy what you have.
If you find it too overwhelming to control your fear he will cheat on you, it is best to end the relationship. What's the point, if you can never be comfortable with it?
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