A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have lived with my partner 5 years.About 8 weeks ago, he chatted up a sales assistant - thus starting ...something. I know he sent her flowers and I know they have talked on his mobile and sent sexy, lovey messages (but there were also some from a woman he works with too, saying she missed him) I think they (the sales assistant and my partner) have probably had a sexual relationship, but he won't admit that, although he did "go missing" a few times, and wont say where he stayed.Over christmas, We went away for a week, to try to work things out between us. We talked alot about what and why it had happened and he said and still says he made a big mistake and wants us to work and loves me.The thing is, I know he had her number on his mobile as I read his messages. He assures me he hasn't contacted her since New Years eve, but won't show me he has taken her number off his phone, won't leave his mobile anywhere apart from in his pocket, and it is always on silent, with a PIN number.He says, if he wanted to be with her he would have gone - I want to believe they aren't contacting one another - so why can't he have his phone on ring tone instead of silent or even leave it in the living room with a PIN number instead of carrying it everywhere (even the loo). He says I am paranoid (I maybe am now) and says the reason he went for this sales assistant was because I was depressed and getting him "down"...I'm not suppose to mention what happened now, as we are looking forward and to the future and can't ask questions about what happened as this is in the past and I haven't got to be negative as that will push him away.I haven't said how I feel about Us - because I am now very confused and hurt
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female
reader, Daysie +, writes (26 January 2007):
 I am convinced your partner is still in contact with another woman, my ex did exactly the same! He even hid his phone at the top of the curtain pole! He was so worried that I was going to find all his sordid little secrets and I eventually did, after he starting 'going missing' at weekends. I put up with this for a few weeks then put all his stuff in bin bags and got him out of my house. He had already snapped 3 mobile phones in half in his temper and attempt to prove to me that he wasn't in contact with the old dog he picked up in a spanish bar. But no matter what he said or did he proved to be a serial liar. If your parnter can't leave their phone alone in the same room as you while they are in the bathroom in the fear that you will nosey through it, then there is a breakdown of trust - for a good reason. If everything is above board, open and honest then there would be no need to hide, switch off, or put your phone on silent, with a pin number to put it back on. In the end my ex and I split, his mobile phone was doing my head in, it was like there was 3 of us in the same bedroom, it was nightmare. Naturally he blamed me for going through his private stuff, but what woman wouldn't if she suspected her man is cheating? If you have the womans number try rining her and finding out for yourself what is going on. He will probably turn against you for doing this, but at least you will get to know the truth, he is probably lying to her too. GOOD LUCK!
A
female
reader, lildeesbg  +, writes (19 January 2007):
 In all honesty a person who takes there cell phone everywhere with them, has it on vibrate and has a pin for it is hiding things! TRUST ME!! The cell phone is the major theme of how he stayed connected with these other women, therefore, its a HUGE sign that he is still taking it everywhere with him!
It really does seem that he hasnt changed his ways. As much as he probably does care about you and wants to be with you, he wants to be with other women as well. You need to realize you deserve someone better then that! If your giving 100% why be with someone who is only giving you 50%? or possibly an STD for that matter as well.
You need to realize that everyone who replies to answer this question is giving you insight that in someway they might have experienced themselves. It really is easier said then done to walk away from someone you love. But you HAVE to love yourself more.
Let him know that in order for you to not keep bringing the past up he has to prove it to you! He could start by leaving his cell phone in the kitchen while hes in the shower. Baby steps like that will gain your trust back eventually.
Remember he did wrong! no matter how sorry he is, he needs to prove something to you! Otherwise, if he isnt open and ready to prove things to you...you need to move on!
~dee
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2007): It sounds like you are letting your husband take control of your relationship. You say that you ask him where he is gone and why he cannot let you see his mobile phone and he throws these concerns back by saying that you are paranoid and were getting him down.
If he wanted to work things out wouldn't he address your concerns first and ask why you were depressed in the first place? It does not sound like your husband is concerned about how you feel.
You say you're not supposed to mention what happened and can't ask questions, which suggests that you have questions that he knows he cannot answer truthfully.
You know that your husband has sent another woman flowers, when was the last time he showed you a romantic gesture? Your hurt and confusion is not unjustified, and can only be resolved if you are willing to assert some control.
If you want to continue this relationship you need to establish some personal boundaries and stick to them, and if he cannot respect your limits then perhaps its time to think about where you are both going.
Hope that helps.
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