A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi just wondering if this is normal I've been with my partner now for 4 years we have 2 children aged 1 and 2 we live together but he never makes any effort to spend any time with us if he needs to go anywhere he asks his mate first rather than me he spends more time walking his dog I'm getting the kids ready for bed I put them to bed and he's on his computer till bedtime he goes to work through the day I go on a evening on weekends hes always busy going out to cut his mates garden or doing someone else's he calls his mate every weekend to take the dogs for a walk again rather ask me its like we live together but lead separate lives I do everything for the children he might cook tea once or twice a week he has a easy job at work to I've asked him to make more time for us but it doesn't happen what do I do
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2017): Thank you I understand its give and take its all me giving and him taking I do everything I cook the house is always clean and tidy I do the shopping pay the bills teas mostly always done when he gets home from work he comes home I go to work on the evening I come home and the house is a mess again
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2017): Thank you I did mention I work I said I GI on a evening
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2017): My apologies, I'm using a crappy laptop. I have a new one on order.
I meant to say:
"Just because people can produce offspring doesn't make them parents. Once a child is born, you can't opt-out; unless you put them up for adoption, or abandon them."
Please excuse any other typos. Thank you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2017): Your partner, as you call him, is using a misnomer. He's the sperm-donor forced to be a father. He's your roommate, and the guy who pays the bills. You don't mention if you work.
Your description of him seems as if he is forced to be a family; when he'd rather be single. He barely tolerates living with all of you. Only because if he were again single; he'd have to pay child-support, and still support himself. While also paying rent for a separate place to live. "Cheaper to keep her;" as they say.
Just because people can produce offspring doesn't make they're parents. One a child is born, you can't opt-out; unless you put them up for adoption, or abandon them.
Knowing this, you have to weigh your options; and assess the pros and cons of staying together.
It doesn't sound like your "partner" is adapting to family-life. If he's not your husband; it could be speculated he is only there; because he feels obligated, for the children's sake.
Not sure why there were children brought into an uncertain situation; if he's not your husband. Letting men talk you into motherhood before asking you to marry him tells you the risk is all yours. He's leaving himself an exit for escape; without having to file for divorce, or face all the legal fees involved. Just walkaway, free and clear. The burden of getting child-support is all left-up to you!
Are you just sitting quietly while all this is happening; or have you officially discussed the fact you feel left behind when he goes out? Have you mentioned to him in words; that he doesn't interact with his kids enough? That your relationship is feeling stagnant, and starting the final-countdown to an expiration-date?
I sense you avoid giving ultimatums and threats of leaving; because you know he'd jump at any opportunity to leave you holding the bag!
Use your words. That means talk to him like an adult without tears, or a nagging-tone in your voice. With the resolve that if things don't improve, he IS out the door!!! Leaving no evidence of his existence, but the child-support checks he sends each month. If he's not a loving, proud, and doting father now; not seeing his kids won't be much of a motivator or incentive for change.
What do you do to make family-life pleasant for him and everyone? If you're boring and lack creativity; sitting around the house, or riding around in the mini-van isn't very stimulating. He needs perks to want to be with you!
Having kids doesn't stabilize relationships; nor are they an insurance-policy that he won't leave you. Nowadays, kids get left behind by their sperm-donors like they were never born.
Coming home to crying and screaming children; and nothing to look forward to; but a "honey-do list" just isn't a life. For any kind of partner.
If the house is messy, toys sprawled all over the floor; and nothing but clutter everywhere. He is going to find every excuse he can to getaway from you and the kids. After working all day, you want peace and quiet. A tidy place to decompress. That's what stay-at-home moms and dads do! They make the home a clean and lovely place; and keep the kids happy and content. Then the working-parent comes home, and adds more love to the family-unit. The bills get paid, and extra goodies are provided to everyone to make them happy! Then later, you have good sex!
You have to pretty yourself up sometimes. Make the kids look cute, settle them down when he gets home from work. See to it he gives them a kiss the moment he walks in; and gives you a loving hug and kiss to show he's glad to be home. Never greet anybody at the door with everything that went wrong over the course of your day. Unless you want to sour them even more than they were when they walked-in, or kill their good mood.
It's give and take. He has his responsibilities, and you have yours. One compliments the other. Both give and receive benefits and rewards. If you don't do much for him; don't expect him to do much for you. It's not always heaven on earth. Hell breaks-loose. That's normal. Chaos shouldn't be the normal atmosphere around the house. Adults are there to maintain order.
Do you cook good meals? Do you plan outings for the weekend that includes the kids; and ask him to put aside some of his other plans that excludes his family? Leaving it all up to him offers him the freedom to do only as he pleases. You're partners. Remember? You are also the party and event-planner. If you don't do your job, he's off the hook! His job is to execute your plans. Got it? Others just have to wait their turn. Unless he's getting paid by people to handy-work. I doubt he's doing landscape work for free and the fun of it. He's providing for his family.
Do you walk around the house pouting and moping; but never addressing your issues in a direct way? I don't mean picking senseless fights, or being whiny and nagging. If you can't have a heart to heart talk about your love-life and your family; then you aren't a couple, nor a family. Maybe because he never wanted to be, or decided he no longer wishes to.
All you described in your post is a man who isn't happy or interested in being with you. It would seem he's only there because of your children. He holds no affection for you.
I have no real advice. I can only make some observations.
The decision is really yours. Not ours.
If he is your husband, you need family-counseling; because you don't know how to communicate your needs. He probably has no interest in knowing what they are. At least having a professional-counselor to moderate your discussions may bring out the truth; and you can make some reasonable decisions in the best interest of the children. It's all about them. They come first in all of this.
You can seek free-counseling from your religious-leadership; if you practice any form of religion. You can go online and look for family-crisis counseling centers at low or minimum-cost. You can seek help counseling from charity organizations that offer counseling, if finances are an issue. You won't find enough help here.
You don't seem to know how to talk to him. He doesn't seem interested in knowing what's wrong. So you need help from sources closer to where you are. If you don't work, you'll also have to concern yourself with getting back into the workforce; and finding reasonable daycare. You may have to become a single-mom; if push comes to shove.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (26 September 2017):
Sound like this is a case of too much mommy, and not enough mistress. :)
It is hard when you have small kids to be a mistress for your hubby. You are in mother mode most of the times. But there is one word that will save your marriage...
BALANCE!!!
Men do not have mother mode. We do not feel the same need to nurture the kids as you do. So when your focus is on the kids ALL the time, and not much left for him...he feels unimportant, neglected, robbed of his manhood, and just plain unwanted.
Since we men do not feel crying or expressing ourselves is of any value...we begin to withdraw ourselves. Finding things to do that would distract us from how we really feel.
This however is a very dangerous time...Make no mistake.
He begins to feel depressed...then something very dangerous begins to creep in...RESENTMENT...This you will notice when he begins to get mad at you for the simplest of things. When you ask him what is wrong or why he is acting this way, he will say "Nothing!!!" This is when his back is against the wall and he cannot find a solution to his problem.
Resentment leads to the other thing that ends most relationship...HATE!!! He begins to blame you for however he feels...and begins to hate how he feels. This is where most men run...or...start thinking of cheating. They want an escape from the this emotion they cannot explain or cannot put a finger on...an emotion that they do not see and end too, or able to fix.
What he does not realise is...His mind is creating all of these problems, when he just has to let it all go. First he fights...you...Then flight...find an escape.
How to fix it??? Balance...When the kids are in bed...Don't just come to him for affection...That will not work...Why?? He has just spent the last few hours seeing you as a mom, and still sees you as a mom...Hence I used the word MISTRESS!!!
When you come to him, come as the woman you were before the kids. He needs to see that you are done being mom, and now ready to have your world full of pleasure.
Once he see that you are still the same woman, or better yet, a new and sexually improved nympho...his whole attitude will change. He will be more willing to help with the kids, and choirs around the house. Because he knows, once everything is done, the mistress will most likely come out.
Please do not wait for the kids to be in bed before you become the mistress. Start teasing as much as you can...after all...you are a mom, but oh so much more. :)
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