A
female
age
,
*iss M
writes:I have been with my partner for 6 years after we met through one of the dating ads in a local newspaper. We clicked immediately, enjoying many shared interests, laughing at the same silly things and generally sharing life together. We did not move in together for 4 years, although he would have done so much earlier, but I had a daughter and grandson living with me and so felt the time was not right.Over all the 6 years I have found out various things that he has lied about - some minor, almost touching issues which just showed his vulnerability - some major, ending in dreadful hurt and arguments. He is very insecure, needs constant reassurance and love and, of his own admission, needs someone who is just for him and no-one else. I have 2 daughters, 4 grandchildren and support them all practically and emotionally in the best way I can, as well as having a full time and a part time job to make ends meet. Recently my partner started to act really strange, mobile phone on silent all the time, clearing history of sites from our computer and then last week he received a telephone call from a woman ( I could hear her voice as she spoke to him on his mobile ). He did not speak to her whilst I was in the room - just told her he would ring later - and when I asked him who she was he said she was from work. However, I had seen the area code on the phone and it was not from the area in which he works. Eventually he told me she was just a friend but he flatly refused to elaborate on things and it ended up where I totally lost my temper and we did not speak for a week. Then he went away for the weekend on a motorbike rally ( or so I thought ) and when he returned I discovered that he had not been to the rally at all ( which is what I suspected as he did not take his camping gear ) but he said he had been staying with some friends, who he had only met over the internet 2 weeks previously, and who he had never mentioned to me. To cut a long story short, I discovered by looking at his Sat Nav that the area he said he had been staying was not the one on his Sat Nav and I have also found out that one of the addresses he visited is owned by a single woman on her own, whilst the other is by a couple who in fact have the names of the people he said he had been staying with.I am so hurt, angry and confused by his secretive, furtive ways and yet my love for him, and because I know what an insecure, needy person he is, prevents me from walking away. He has promised to open up to me this weekend so that we can either move forward, or move on.Do you think that I should be even considering giving him another chance - I have only given your the bare bones of the problems we have had - but essentially he is a good, decent man - he just seems to need to lie, cover up and generally behalf secretively when I am a very open, approachable person who is always prepared to listen and understand.Your help would be much appreciated as at the moment my heart is breaking and I feel like I'm going out of my mine.Thank you
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male
reader, Jonp111 +, writes (7 May 2010):
I have so much sympathy with your situation. I'm going through something very similar, though the circumstances are different. It's exhausting to not know whether you can trust the person you love or not and there are so many 'shades of grey'. I've learned recently that some people lie for the best of motives, because they want to protect you from hurt. But they never seem to understand you'd prefer truth, no matter how unpalatable. Some people are weak, so they are afraid of telling their partner a truth they might hurt, but to condemn them for that is too simple, too harsh. Our own fear of rejection leads our partners to think they can't be truthful because we wouldn't be able to handle it.The looking at the satnav, trying to piece it all together, is all too familiar to me. I'm in a very similar situation so much so I'm considering getting a lie detector expert in: which many think would be an indication it's all over already. But trust can be rebuilt, people who love each other can repair the damage, and everything can work out.I'm so sorry for your pain, and if we could talk and help each other through, then I'd love to do so. On the one hand, dont let the lack of honesty lead you into extrapolating too much from what you already know. But also try and find a way of drawing out the truth. It takes guts and strength, and you're upset so it's hard to find the hidden reserves. But I'm sure you and he can work it out if he talks, and you promise to be reasonable when he does.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): I don't know what it is but some men just cover things up for their own convenience. Trouble is... the fact he lied is now more important than what might have been the subject matter. My boyfriend has done similar things over the last 3 years and it is pretty upsetting and the trust deteroriates. I have told my boyfriend that I am on the edge of simply never trusting him again and that once he loses me emotionally and mentally he has lost me physically and intimately. End of. I think you give this guy one chance to open up as he promises to do. Depending on the content of what he says and your gut instinct then you must leave him or give him one last chance but be warned - you must tell him that one more lie and he is out your life and you must mean it. I have done this with my boyfriend and I certainly do mean it because I have picked up my sense of self worth and think nobody is manipulating me by witholding the truth and I cannot live with checking his phone, his mail, and watching his face to try and tell if he is being honest. Make it one more chance and that is it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Dear PosterI have empathy with you; it must be so difficult to know the truth and not to be able to talk about it; yes, I can understand that it will be troubling you; however it is important that you get all the lies and deceit out in the open; this guy needs to come clean; I don't know how you will be able to TRUST him again; you will have to think about your various options and decide if you see your way clear to continue with this relationship; what is this relationship offering you? Why are you holding on to it?You mentioned your love for him and because you know how needy and insecure he is; but that I am afraid is not good enough; Love alone cannot make a relationship work; it sounds as if you are feeling sorry for him; but that again is not a reason why you should stay in this relationship; It does not sound as if there is much mutual respect between the two of you; Are you happy? You need to think about yourself and your needs first; if you are not happy; if you are not getting the love and respect that you deserve; why would you want to waste time and effort trying to save this relationship? Don't you deserve happiness and love; don't you want to be with somebody that you can respect and admire, rather then somebody that you feel sorry for; Relationships are difficult and can be very confusing; but I suggest you need to think about yourself and FOCUS on what you want; then you need to talk to him and decide if you are going to move FORWARD or MOVE ON; the choice is yours. Personally I could not handle lies and deceit; my thoughts are with you.Best wishes and try to keep SMILING.
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A
female
reader, kal  +, writes (15 October 2008):
Leave him. He obviously cheated on you. If he cant even be honest about the small things then he will never be honest with you...something in a relationship that is more important than love, is RESPECT and HONESTY and he apparently has neither for you! Try to talk to him about all that has gone on, and how he makes you feel, and if he doesnt do anything about it then i would just leave! he's showing you no respect and being downright dishonest!!!
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