A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm really hoping for some help. I think you guys are great (I've posted on here before) and now I'm very upset so I thought maybe I could get some perspective here. I've been with my partner since 2002 and when I first met him he was loving, funny and kind but I did see a side to him that he could be a bit sexist and he made some rude comments about prostitutes etc, which I just took as a joke at the time.He has been married before and that ended badly but it's hard to tell what happened because he blames his ex and she blames him! My problem is his behaviour towards me has got worse and worse. He makes comments about my weight, sneers at where I live (in a council house), never misses the chance to have a dig at me. Every negative thing that happens he picks up on it. I actually work full time, look after myself and am well educated but I can't afford to buy my own house yet because I've been a single parent for over ten years and been rebuilding my life and it takes time .. He seems to me to be insecure but I am wondering is he just going off me and this is his way of driving to drive us apart, or is this his true personality (his ex said he put her down a lot too ..). He is ten years older than me and will be 53 next year so I would have thought he would want to settle down and make things work but he seems to think he is going to go off and get a younger woman, who is slimmer etc .. (the way he talks sometimes I think this is his fantasy). Anyhow, my big upset here is that lately, I was feeling unwell and my doctor thinks I might have MS but I have to go for more tests. Fortunately it is mild so far and the doctor says the prognosis is good based on my presenting symptoms and how slowly they have appeared so far. I am trying to carry on as normal but I do get more tired. My partner is now saying 'oh not only are you a single parent from a council house, who is overweight but I've ended up with someone who is ill as well - Great!!'. He seems to feel that he is with someone lesser than him and seems to think he is hard done by. He is less educated than me and often makes digs about me 'buying' my degree over the internet (of course, this is not true, i studied hard for it for four years whilst bringing up my children on my own and working full time - doing the study part time in the evenings, then went on to do a masters and now am getting better paid jobs etc). It's a real blow to me, after all I have been through, to have an underlying health issue and in many ways he has been my anchor. I am still scared of losing him but sometimes the way he behaves really upsets me. He is moody and can be sulky and sometimes reminds me of a small boy. Also, he likes to watch films that I don't like, including old hammer horror films and re-runs of the same old comedies and if one of my children is watching the TV he gets angry and sulks if he can't watch his stuff straightaway but when his son is here, he bends over backwards to make sure his son is ok. I am feeling worn out with his behaviour and don't know what to do. He refuses to go for counselling and said to me 'if we go for counselling i will annihilate you and you will regret it' and 'YOU are the one who needs to go for counselling you've got problems'. The thing is that he appears so NORMAL to other people, although he has no friends and his family don't bother with him much. I am considered to be more bubbly than him and I have been told I am the 'more vibrant' half of the couple and I wonder whether this bothers him too? Can anyone reading this from outside shed any light on the behaviour?? I would really appreciate some help as some nights I have cried myself to sleep after he has been nasty to me. On the other hand he can be loving, funny and generous etc. He also suffers from some impotence which he blames on me for being overweight but I know that this happened with his ex also and she was very slim and fit etc .. I myself am not that big, about a size 16, quite tall medium build and I do take good care of myself overall and do exercise and want to lose some weight. Sorry for the long old post and thanks for reading.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Drkelly +, writes (17 January 2010):
 This so-called-mans behaviour towards you is absolutely despicable, and he most certainly does not respect you, or deserve you!! It appears that after everything you have worked hard for and achieved throughout your life has only triggered this mans own insecurities, and he is quite clearly jealous of everything you have, and everything you stand for. As a partner, he should respect, encourage, and support you in everything, instead of displaying these selfish and childish behaviours. If he has a problem with how you look, or where you live, who is forcing him to stay with you? As for the threats of finding him a younger model, tell him quite frankly to 'go for it'! You need to stand up for yourself to this man, how dare he treat you this way! Threaten to finish with him if he keeps up these manipulating ways, and trust me, it works! Realise your own self worth, and note all your achievements in your life. His ways have already began to affect your emotional well being, and your children will be more tuned into this than you realise! Either he stops the insulting, or im afraid this unhealthy relationship would be best let go of. I hope you do what is best for you, and your family.. Regards, kelly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010):
Here:
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): Good grief, I can't see where this man has any redeeming qualities, the only thing you said is he is funny, loving and generous, or can be. I would bet this is when he is getting his own way.
He sounds very insecure, very controlling, very mean spirited and jealous of you and resentful for the fact that he feels that way.
He is emotionally draining you and lowering your self esteem, he could even be causing your illness by putting you under constant stress.
I can't see where he is contributing at all to your life, can you? He is your anchor? He is weighing you down and drowning your spirit and choking the life right out of you.
I hope you find the strength to send him on his way to find that skinnier more perfect woman. He treated his ex the same way he treated you, big surprise, that is who he is, has nothing to do with you, but is all about him and he is 53, he will never change.
Unless you want more of the same I think your best alternative here is to cut him out of your life entirely so that you can get back your self esteem, take care of your health, finish your degree and find a man who will add to your life instead of taking away from it.
You will be much happier alone than you are miserable with this jerk.
I hope you weren't expecting me to tell you how to fix him.. can't be done, stop trying.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (12 January 2010):
Size 16 (14 American) is not seriously overweight. He puts you down to try and make you believe that you can't do better than him. Think about it; he is impotent and uneducated, what else can he do besides put you down?! Well, I have a solution for you: www.connectingsingles.com. Once you have a profile and see how many decent men would want to meet you, you will see how pathetic he is.
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