A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:If your friends constantly unintentianally belittle you, and make your hopeful heart often sink to tears when they're not there, then they are not really your friends. If after not seeing them for a while makes you scared to see or speak to them because you know that you will now be mere trash in their world because you have 'missed so much' while you've been somewhere trying to actually escape from the torture that they've made of the social world back home, then they are not your friends. If you miss one event where something big happens, because you were busy actually doing something important, then they all group together without you, making sure you don't even dream about joining in cause 'you weren't there', then they're not your friends. If you were part of the organisation of an event, then when the event should be taking place, you don't even recieve any message by any means of communication from any one of them to properly invite you, then at the end of the day they ask you why you weren't there, and have already found a reason why you can't go to the next one, then they are not your friends. If they use you, yet making it seem like you're using them, they are not your friends. If they give you absoloutely no power to think for yourself even though you are highly capable, they are not you're friends. If there's one friend out of them who actually agrees with you in all you both think about the others, then of course they will seperate you two from the rest of them, which will obviously make that friend want to seperate from you, and just belittle, ignore, and get annoyed by your presence even more than any of the others were. If they take every memory that you thought was sweet, and make it embarrasing, then they are not your friends. If they take everyone you have that's not theirs also , and either force you not to want to be around them, or completely take them for themselves even though they know nothing about them and don't even want to, then they are not your friends. If you generally feel like you don't want to fit in with your close friend group, then they are not your friends. This is what my close friend group are like, which means that I should probably just get away from them, but it's not as simple as that. It's not just the fact that I don't want to be a loser, and there's no other popular group that it would be easy for me to make close friends with easily. It's also the fact that when I am with them, and just them not talking about anyone else, I feel really close to them and I seriously couldn't imagine talking to anyone about these things with anyone else but them! And they are never plain nasty, the whole lot of them flatter me like hell, and they actully sound sincere even though none of the stuff they say is true, it's believable and it makes me feel better, which is the main thing after all. Also when I'm with just them I do actually agree with them about loads of things and I genuinely do feel like I fit in and they like me fitting in. Also when it's me with just one of them they do admit a lot of things to me, things that they wouldn't dream of telling anyone else, which means that they must think of me as an actual friend, and I genuinely do have loads of fun with them at the time. And knowing loads of personal secrets and knowing everything about their family lives and how they were raised etc, would always make me feel terrible to ever judge them or speak about them behind their backs, because you do respect them as seperate people. But if they were really my friends then they would respect me, and with that many doubts and more it's hard to say that I actually like them, which is which is a quality that a friend should have on a basic level. A friend is someone you trust, have fun with and generally depend on in any situation, which when I hardly ever feel like I can actually let go with them, does not really live up to it's proper definition. I know all friends have their ups and downs, but with actual friends you can always forgive them really easily and you like them really, whearas there are moments with my friends when I genuinely hate them, that's not right. And yes we have our good times, but the bad times (which only seem to affect me) seem to last for years, the good times lasting for a couple of hours. I have no idea if I should get away quick, talk to them about it, give up complaining or anything else, because I feel like I haven't made enough of an impact on their lives to make them actually feel sad that I'm not in their lives anymore if Ieft. They don't want me as one of them, but they don't even know to admit it, so shall I make them really need me as a friend, find someone else that's wilder to make them jealous and want me as a friend, or actually try and find some real friends? Somehow without becoming a boring LOSER. Help.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 I have the feeling that the comment you posted is sarcastic, so I don't think you'll see my post as helpful enough, but nonetheless I want to try to give one general but true and tested pieces of advice :
the sooner you learn you can't ever really change other people,the better. The only person you can change is yourself. How the shortcomings of your friends affect you, how you react to real and immaginary slights, how you let your self worth depend from being part of a popular clique.
You have given us and yourself many good reasons why these people are not really the best possible friends.The main one, IMO, is that you don't really trust them ,and trust is the base of any friendship. One would think : cool, then ditch them. BUT you don't really want to do that, because you 'd miss being part of a "cool " group, because you can't stand being on your own for a while, because you need to feed your ego with their compliments and validations, and because it's not "easy " or convenient to go out and about and look for other people who may be actually on the same wavelength as you.
You want us to teach you the way to elicit some sort of reaction from your "friends "- how to make them miss you, how to make them like you, how to make them be nice to you.
We don't have any foolprof method for that. I doubt this method exists, and I doubt you should keep looking for it.
It's a waste of time, after a reasonable while, to try and manipulate to get a certain reaction from people. They have shown they do not want to change ,don't keep banging your head against a wall.
It makes more sense, even at such a young age as yours, to work on yourself. Like increasing your self esteem, not counting so much on people 's validation, getting the sense of your self worth regardless of how many compliments you get. Learning to take challenges, to leave the same old routine, to try new things, to meet new people. To find out what your passions and interests are - even on your own, if you must. Even if they are "loser" passions.
Learn to go for what you really- but really,deep down in your heart - want : in this case , real best friends - don't settle for surrogates.
It's not easy, you say ? Ah darling, life it's not easy- and the good things often are gained through effort and
loss. Paying this price may be worth it- you'll have to decide that yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNice amount of advice
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A
female
reader, Holli' +, writes (12 January 2010):
 The girls you are hanging round with sound two-faced and a little bitchy, you don't want to be like that, I had some friends the same however when I forced myself to leave them I beacame serverly romoured about and bullied. There must be some other people who are friendly with you, try and build a stronger bond with them and leave the others behind. If they treat you nastily talk to a sibling or parent. Don't let yourself be treated like that, you deserve better, get a backbone and stick up for yourself.
Good luck, Hope I helped
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): Try talking to them first- they may have no idea how they are treating you. But if it doesn't help or they don't consider your feelings, then try to branch out and meet new people. Over time, they may realize their actions and try to contact you. (Then it would be up to you to decide whether or not you want to see them.) Your post is very deep and you seem to be wise beyond your years. Your friends on the other hand may not be. Give it some time and try to find activities or clubs that you enjoy. You'll meet new people who have similar interests as you and you'll cultivate new friendships, so if your old friends are acting immature you can just leave and hang out with your new friends.
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