A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for about 5 years now and her daughter has always been a bit off.About eighteen months ago without a word of explanation she stopped talking to us (her mother and myself) and prevented her from having any contact with her grandchildren; including contacting the local newspaper to ask them not to accept birthday wish adverts etc.She resumed contact a few months ago with my partner but has now decided to make things difficult for us by insisting that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me - meaning I will be excluded from weekend family events etc. This is apparently because, the boy likes me a lot more than he does his natural grandad and this upsets the daughter.My problem is that my partner isn't willing to stand up to her daughter about the situation and I'm not sure that I want to be in a relationship where I'm effectively being told I'm not wanted but I should accept it.Am I being unreasonable?Thanks. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): This is unusual although it does happen in some families. But more often than not, a daughter just doesn't dump a Grandmother out of her child's life, that suddenly, because she doesn't like her Mother's partner. Usually, the family bond will keep Mother/daughter close, irregardless and if this daughter didn't like you, she'd simply tolerate you. Think back in your mind of anything serious that could've happened to have caused this. Did you and the daughter have an argument or a difference of opinion, any type of incident that's caused this daughter to be deeply hurt/offended? All you can right now, is to be gracious, accept this, detach yourself and just step away from this scenario and just allow your partner to have a relationship with her daughter and grandson. The bonds of family are strong and no one should interfere with that. We do not know the reasons as to why or what happened that has caused this rift with you. But it's plain to see your partner is caught in the middle and by insisting she 'stand up' to her daughter will cause your partner greater distress. You can't try to persuade a mother to choose her daughter over you. You be silently supportive and take your place, behind your partner and quietly watch how this all plays out, for now. The reason your partner may not be standing up to her daughter, is because she knows why her daughter is upset with you. Her daughter has told her-have you asked your partner, for the truth? Maybe you should start there. Be patient, be positive, get on with your own life and realize that perhaps time and space, is all that is needed to heal this rift .
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): I'm the one with the problem:
Thanks for your answers so far - perhaps I should add a little more detail.
My partner's been divorced for some 7 years or so. Her daughter is nearly thirty and during the five years or so that we've spent together I've probably only seen the grandchildren 20 or so times... so there is no question of me trying to play Grandad or pinch anyone's place etc.
Unfortunately, the dad (my partner's Ex)is a heavy drinker and from what I can gather the little boy doesn't like him too much.
I did actually ask my partner to set some boundaries with her daughter when she decided to appear again - suggesting that she restrict herself to seeing her daughter & partner and the grandchildren during the week. That way her daughter's influence on our own relationship would be very much more limited.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): Well this is a pretty complicated problem indeed. The daughter has a legal right to decide who comes in contact with her children. You had mentionaled already that the daughter at one point stoped communication from both you and your partner. From my point of view your partner is not nescessarily in control. There is tension here, and blaming your partner for not stoping it is absurd. What I would do is try rationalizing with the daughter sending a card or some form of communication of your feelings so it is not face to face. She really does not seem to understand the damage she is causing. That is about all I can recomend to you because you are very limited on things you can actually do. The only thing you should expect your partner to do is attempt to reason with the daughter. But if nothing comes to it you can not expect her to "stand up" to her daughter. Those 2 words together seems simply aggressive way to take it, I do not blame her for not taking this stance but can understand why anyones initial reaction would be to take that stance. All reasonablity of the daughter will be flushed down when she is forced to take a defensive stand and could further damage future relations between you and your partner and the daughter.
...............................
A
female
reader, here_2_help +, writes (9 August 2007):
 This is a hard stituation I know its hard but maby you need to talk to the daughter and explain that you are not trying to take any ones place and you would love to build a friendship with her. If she refuses to speek to you wright it down and post it. The main thing is you dont push her show her friendship and kindnes Don't try to replace her dad which she most likely feels you are doing. hope this helpsxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, lisa kathleen gates +, writes (9 August 2007):
 this makes me angry. i wished sumtimes my step dad would butt out, so i'd say let the family get on with things, its not really your place to say anything, yes u r the boyfriend but you arent the grandfather. and the daughters wishes will always come b4 yours because she was there b4 u were. after all she is the daughter and things are the way they should be, you are being listened to just as you exspected but you wont get anywhere because it is a mother and daughter situation. dont hold it against anyone. put yourself in the same boat. imagine yourself and your son, or at least try to. and stop being so selfish, the poor girl only gets one mum, bet no one was in the way of your mum or dad. (sorry but im right here)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): Hello sir, well what i can work out is that the daughter is finding it hard to accept that her mum and dad are not getting back together, and by the sounds of it and is blaming you for it. ( its not just young children that have this affect)What is the 'real' dad like you did not mention him, is he a good dad? bad dad?If hes a bad dad to the daughter then maybe she is thinking you will be the same and she dont want to get close to you because you may hurt her like her real dad.If hes a good dad then it realates to the fact that she sees you as the evil step-dad that you see on films. have you tried talking to her?Your Parnter should also stand up to her daughter.
...............................
|
