A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am divorced with two children and met another divorced man with three children, a couple of years after we were both divorced. My ex and I are amicable and have successful custody arrangements, although fairly traditional. My partner and his ex live around the corner from each other, never separated financially, are best friends and maintain "family life". They go on holidays with the kids together, meals out and even still share an itunes account! I tried to understand that they want to keep family life for the benefit of their children (and I guess for the benefit of my partner, not losing out on being around while the kids are growing up) and I was willing to keep my jealousy under wraps. I thought that if he takes enough care to invest in me also, that things could work out. What I wasn't prepared for was that he would tell me that his kids don't actually know that his parents have separated and have been told that they don't live together because dad's job is very demanding...He told me that he was now ready to be open with the kids since he has now found me as his new partner. However, his ex became very upset and her depression got worse and she started to make my partner's life difficult with planning access to his kids. She started sabotaging his dating efforts with me, messing up time and getting kids to call while he was with me etc. Instead of setting a firm boundary, he started to focus on repairing his relationship with her and paying less attention to my needs. He told me that he can't fully let go of his feelings and love me until his kids know about me and feel comfortable with him dating (once they understand he is no longer "together" with his mum). He said speaking to the kids is on hold until things with his ex has improved because he needs to preserve family life, but that he knows he needs to change things and he also knows it will take time. In the mean time, I am a secret and not a part of his life. No one in his life knows about me and we only go to restaurants at night or visit in the evening at each other's houses. I can never see him in the day. It is like we are just dating.With a heavy heart I told him that we can't have a relationship right now, because he is not "available" and that my needs are not being met. I said that I hope he can sort things out, so we can have an open and honest relationship. That was three months ago and I don't think he has made any actual changes in his life. I am very intuitive and I know he really liked me too. At one point I said that I was not happy with their impeding family holiday, because he did not plan any holidays with me to balance things out. I said that I felt rejected and excluded. Was that a mistake, and was I unreasonable? He was not willing to take me on holiday until his kids knew the truth. Said he feels to guilty to do something like that behind their back, since he would need to lie to them.I am so sad. What a waste.. Could I have done anything differently? Did I give up too easily or was I not accommodating enough?
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best friend, divorce, his ex, jealous, my ex, on holiday Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): The proper and healthy way to be divorced with kids is to treat each other like business partners and the interactions as amicable business transactions.
You know how you would discuss your children's well being with their school teachers? Or make plans for the kids with your in laws like what time to drop the kids off at their place and what time they will be back at your house? That is how divorced spouses should be talking to each other. Purely about the kids and in that type of vein. You don't live with your kid's teachers or in laws (hopefully) yet you all work together for the interests of the kids. This nonsense about pretending they are still a traditional nuclear family is wrong. It is totally unnecessary and even unhelpful for the kids. They can't keep their charade up forever and then what?
That is unless they are doing it for THEMSELVES, and disguising it as for the kids. This basically means they are not really done with each other and the divorce was just a chapter in their ongoing drama rather than the end of the drama.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 August 2013):
 divorced people do not go on holiday with the ex
they do not share finances or itunes accounts
I separated from my first husband with two very small children (ages 3 and 5) we ALWAYS talked on the phone (daily even at first) and planned to do what was best for our children.
BUT OUR relationship was kaput. He had no say in my vacations I had none in his. Our visitation did not need to be court ordered since we all behaved as adults.
that was 1989. NOW we get along. we are both remarried and we still work together when necessary for the sake of our children. I'm friendly with his current wife. We send them child support payments for the oldest due to his disability... nothing court ordered.
If HE truly wants out of the marriage on all levels he will get an attorney and make it happen. clearly he does not.
I'm so sorry you are so sad... there is nothing you did wrong other than date a man who only is pretending to be divorced....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): You did the right thing, don't doubt yourself. He is the one who destroyed this relationship. He thinks taking you on holiday is lying to the kids so he can't do it? But he is fine playing an elaborate hoax on the kids making them think their parents are still married just living apart for his job? And that is not lying? That's way messed up.
Basically he is too coward to actually get divorced even though he doesn't want the monogamy and commitment of marriage. Him and his wife are the ones who can't move on, not the kids. This is pretty dysfunctional.
Best to cut ties with him since he is not truly divorced. His ex even seems to think they are still exclusive. I think the divorce is just so he can sleep with other women while still being "married " to her.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 August 2013):
 You are one step better than dating a separated but not yet divorced men. He got divorced, technically to allow himself to date again without being called A hole but not available enough to devote his all. 2 years he is still trying to protect their feelings.
If he cared that much maybe he shouldn't have divorced her? Did you actually see their divorce papers? Yes I am suggesting that he lied. There are men who know that women would run like hell from married men so maybe that's why he had to lie?
There are people who are married on paper only. Here you have a guy who is divorced on paper only. You would be like a mistress to a divorced guy, if there is such a term. You did the right thing and should not look back.
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